Five College Football Bowl Games That Need New Names

Every year between the end of the college football season and the national championship game we’re forced to endure a series of overly-sponsored match-ups by slightly-better-than-average football squads.  They are given a shot at eternal glory by conquering opponents in bowl games whose names leave even the most experienced commentators tongue tied.  So, whether we’re fans of the sport, fans of a team in the game, or someone who happens to be watching television over this holiday season, bowl games like the “Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl” often leave us with an overwhelming sense of confusion as to why teams are playing and who is watching.  Here are five bowl games whose names stand out as horribly mis-matched with the teams competing in them:

The John Evans Curse

Anyone who has followed Northwestern’s football team this year knows that there is an invisible, intangible and entirely irreversible curse working against them. That’s not to say that the team should be 9-0 (there has been some less-than-stellar playing all around), but something is clearly afoot. It simply cannot be denied after losing to Ohio State because of a controversial spot on 4th and 1, losing to Iowa in overtime, losing to Nebraska because of a 50-yard Hail Mary touchdown with 4 seconds left, and now losing to Michigan on a last-second haphazard field goal that couldn’t even happen in Madden 2014.

If Every Big Ten School Were A Parks And Rec Character

University of Illinois as Jean-Ralphio

“Technically I’m homelessss.”

Both are broke, but they still manage to have a good time anyways. Got off on a technicalllllityyy!

Indiana University as

Samwise Donkenstein’s Preseason Top 5 Feelings About This Year

The 6th Feeling is Swag

It is my own misfortune, and indeed the misfortune of many reading this article, to have (mostly) unwittingly chosen a life of suffering and self-torture. I can’t ask for sympathy, I did this to myself, and I can’t ask most humans to understand my situation; how could you, being either outside the realm of fandom or lucky enough to root for a team by some other name?

I am an invested, devoted, fervent fan of the Northwestern Wildcats, and only a select few people to have ever walked this Earth truly know what that is like.

Love a Random State: Ohio

I may be a tad bit biased, but Ohio is a pretty badass state. We fuck up pretty much every Presidential Election. We can’t make decisions on anything from street cars to abortion. We are some waffling motherfuckers, and I’m not talking about McGriddles. Besides being a political asshole, here are some other reasons you should bow down and worship my state of conception/birth/childhood.

The beautiful metropolis of Cleveland

1. Ohio is the 7th largest state by population.
Cincinnati is the 61st largest city in the nation by population.* Being mediocrely medium-sized takes all the pressure off being big. We may not have the hustle and bustle of New York or the flotsam and jetsam of Chicago, but we sure do have a lot of wide open spaces and corn. This makes for some great middle school field trips, like visiting an Amish farm and learning how to properly milk a cow or taking a spin on a tea-cup-death-trap-vomit-inducing ride while eating a stick of deep-fried butter at the local carnival.

2. Subpar athletics.
I may not be an expert when it comes to sports. I didn’t vehemently protest the NBA lockout, I do not worship Tebow born from the Virgin Mother, nor do I have any vague inkling as to what Royal Shrovetide Football is really all about. However, I do know one thing: If the Cincinnati Bengals were running in the Republican primaries, they would rank somewhere above Michelle Bachmann and somewhat below Stephen Colbert. They may suck at football and politics, but the Bengals have quite a record off the field. Since 2000, the team has a combined criminal record of 30 arrests, 8 DUIs, and 1 charge of “boating under the influence.”** I’m not really sure how this makes Ohio awesomely badass, but it does.

3. Larger than life Presidents.
We produced President William Howard Taft, the man who couldn’t fit in a normal bathtub. In fact, a bathtub fit for four men was installed in the White House just for him. I bet VP James Sherman had a pretty good time in there, seeing as he was a normal sized man. (That leaves room for three more people, for those of you who are still in Math 110).

O-hi-OH!!!!

4. Ohio is beautiful.
OK, maybe just Halle Berry is. Halle Berry was Miss Ohio 1986. At 19, Halle managed to lock down a state title and first runner-up for the Miss USA pageant. Pretty badass, Ms. Berry.

5. Badass motherfuckers in office.
Jerry Springer, host of The Jerry Springer Show, served on Cincinnati’s city council for three years, before resigning when Jerry’s favorite hang-out was revealed: a Kentucky “massage parlor.”*** But it only gets better: he paid his “masseuse” with a city check. It doesn’t get much classier than that. He was then elected the mayor of Cincinnati from 1977-1978. We obviously know how to choose effective leaders.

6. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.****
Need I say more?

7. Where art thou, Ohio?
There actually aren’t many NU students from Ohio. There should certainly be more Amish, chili-loving, politically frustrated, Midwesterners up in Northwestern’s business. However, this makes for some great feedback. Apparently, Californians have no fucking clue where Ohio is. My roommate thought it was near Iowa and her friend could swear she thought it was south of Illinois. I guess they don’t teach Geography in the Bay Area. As a loyal Ohioan and a college student with half my brain still intact despite raging alcoholism and mind numbing, drug-induced Sporcle competitions, I know exactly where Ohio is: right between New Mexico and Arizona. Right?

8. Home of Skyline Chili.
Although none of you Northside Prep trust-fund babies or LTHS fanboys have heard of Skyline, enlighten yourselves. Cincinnati’s definition of chili: chocolate (yes, chocolate) ground beef soup poured over spaghetti noodles and topped with neon yellow, synthesized, shredded cheddar cheese. Mouth-o-meter: fucking delicious.

9. Hipsterz.
Searching for the inner-sanctum of hipsterism? Look no further. Clifton, a small neighborhood on the outskirts of downtown Cincinnati, is a hub of culture and excitement. 98% of Clifton residents are Democrat, making us some badass, Obama loving hippies. 98% of us also love Indian food. Why? There are 7 locally owned Indian restaurants in Clifton. Step outside my house and take a good whiff of Saag Paneer and Chicken Curry. Yum. You can always find a homeless town troubadour belting out his love life with the aid of his trusty accordion. Besides musicians, we are also home to many other badass personalities, such as the mysterious bag man who, although he appears to be homeless, goes to the grocery store every day and picks up 3 lemons, a loaf of bread, and a bag of kitty litter. Meth lab, anyone? There is also the penguin man who yells at cars going over 25, the local business owners who all seem to be tangled in a Romeo and Juliet-esque love affair, and my personal favorite, the middle school drug dealers who hang out at the shelter in Burnet Woods after school. (Whoops, did I just blow your cover?)

Take a trip back in time

10. We have one of the largest Amish populations in the country.
Amish people are badass. Love the Amish, and eat their chicken; it’s free-range!

Needless to say, Ohio is a badass state. If this article has convinced you to pack up your Illinois life (or wherever the fuck you’re from) and move to Ohio, call my step dad. He’s a realtor.

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*Sporcle. Yeah, I did it. I used Sporcle as a source. Try to censor that, PIPA.
**NKY Sports World
***Massage parlor = brothel
****Twitter

Newt Gingrich, South Carolina, and the Abortion of My Career in Political Commentary

And I don't think I want to. Except for understanding your disproportionate ability to get laid.

The GOP primaries are like Chicago weather: completely, utterly, and insanely unpredictable.* Just when you think you understand the day-to-day realities of winter in Chicago, BAM!! Thunderstorm in January. Just when you think you’ve figured out the winner of the GOP nomination, BOOM! Newt wins South Carolina.

I mean, what the fuck, Newt? I thought we were done. I really did. I thought Silly Time was over and it was time for some Real Talk with Obama and Romney (or at the very least, an Al Green-themed The Voice-style sing-off). Not so fast. But I guess I should’ve seen this coming.

Here is a Facebook status I wrote a few months ago, when Newt Gingrich was polling in first place while his opponents floundered, as Herman Cain struggled to fight rape charges and Rick Perry struggled to remember things and Mitt Romney struggled to be interesting: “Newt Gingrich is in first place. That’s it. It’s all a farce. Let’s stop pretending that all of this is real. I throw up my hands.”

Newt polling in first was to the GOP race what Sam and Frodo reaching the end of the Shire was for LOTR. We were now farther from political sanity than we had ever been before, and there was no telling where we would be swept off to next.

Google his name. GOOGLE IT!!!

Two months later, Rick Santorum won Iowa.

Rick Santorum! His name has been successfully Google-bombed and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT and he still won Iowa!

I underestimated the GOP. And not in a “wow I underestimated how good this Nutella milkshake from Fran’s would be” kind of way. Oh no. It was a “the 1984 Portland Trail Blazers underestimated Michael Jordan so much they decided to draft Sam Bowie instead of him” kind of underestimation. Half of me understood that the Newt poll meant the Brotherhood of Dada had dragged us into an alternate universe where ‘politics’ was synonymous with ‘freakshow’ and words lost their meaning and anything was possible…but half of me kept thinking that every crazy development (“oops,” Herman Cain’s Pokémon obsession, Ron Paul’s status as the voice of reason) was the zenith of absurdity, that there remained no further depths to which we could plunge.

But you best believe Newt Gingrich always had an answer for me. Once again, for the record, in case you were too busy this weekend dancing to polka music or playing cards with guys who have the Teen Titans tattooed on their arm to hear about it, Newt won South Carolina! Once more for the record: aaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Is this year’s GOP race the result of some twisted alternate earth they dragged us into?

My last article was not only a celebration of the ridiculous hilarity of the GOP campaign, but also an elegy for that craziness, which I thought was about to vanish in a cloud of sanity. I thought Mitt finally had this all locked up after winning New Hampshire, and I was sure we were finally transitioning from Perry-Bachmann-Cain-Paul-Gingrich to Romney-Obama, to real political debates between two sane candidates. But then Newt charged back to metaphorically punch me in the mouth and remind me that America isn’t going to stop being a hot dysfunctional mess anytime soon.

My possible career in political commentary hasn’t even started and I’m already thinking of quitting forever. I just cannot wrap my head around Newt Gingrich. Can anybody? If you thought Rick Santorum was vulnerable to a casual Google search, try taking Newt’s name for a virtual walk some time. Newt probably has his closet bolted shut with a chair against the door and that still isn’t enough to keep the skeletons in. There is absolutely no possible way that Newt can win the GOP nomination, much less the presidency. But if this campaign has taught us anything, it’s that the possible is impossible and up is down and America is fucked up. In the real world, Newt could never win. But I don’t think we even live in the real world anymore.

Newt

My sense of surprise is utterly gone. For the rest of eternity I will believe any story, any event that involves the GOP. Nothing is too nonsensical for a party where Newt Gingrich is a viable candidate. I probably won’t even bat an eye when Bristol Palin wins the Iowa caucuses in four years and becomes the favorite to win the GOP nomination. The Republican Party has moved beyond my paltry comprehension ability.

I think I’m just gonna have to stick to the fiery anti-coffee invective. I can’t do this anymore.

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*And for those of you scoring at home, “Chicago weather” is the third thing I’ve compared the GOP primaries to during my career. The list also includes Doctor Who and NBC’s Thursday night sitcom lineup.

5 Reasons Why We Hate the Republican Primaries

An even larger collection of pricks than the one on display each morning at Norbucks

There’s no two ways about it: the Republican Primaries suck. Every time I see coverage of the primaries on television, I’m blinded by a white rage brighter than, well, the skin of the Republican candidates. If you share this anger and don’t know why, allow me to try to explain some possible reasons for your fury:

5. The Jokes
Want to know what’s not funny? Republicans. Want to know what’s worse than not funny Republicans? Not funny Republicans making stupid jokes. I swear, every time one of them gets on a roll, they decide it’s time for their own little one man show. It might be some little quip like, “I haven’t seen numbers that low since statistics on Romney’s job creation as governor.” Or it may be some drawn out criticism of how big-headed Newt Gingrich is while the candidate resists the urge to just call him a fat fuck. We all know the only thing the Republican candidates find funny is discrimination and poverty, so why don’t they just stop with the jokes and spend a few more seconds shutting the fuck up?

There goes your chances of reenacting "My Date With the President's Daughter"

4. Jon Huntsman Doesn’t Stand a Chance
Honestly, there is no such thing as a good Republican candidate for president right now, but Jon Huntsman is the closest thing to it this year — and he’s just getting shit on. I get it: Republicans decided, in a nation trying to progress in policies and beliefs, to select the dumbest, most backwards-thinking assholes they could to run for president this year. But really? I mean, really??? The one guy who isn’t a complete fuck-up is just getting destroyed out there while being mercilessly driven to the right. And have you even seen his daughters?

3. Rick Perry is Still Speaking
What the fuck? I understand free speech is an important value in America, but can someone please just make this guy disappear or something? I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I think it would be a really cool idea if people who are just intolerant wastes of space and air didn’t get to speak to a nationally-televised audience. Maybe I’m wrong… No. I’m not. I’m not sure of many things, but I am sure Rick Perry is not fit to speak about becoming president of the United States unless we’ve gone back in time to the 1800’s.

Gingrich is one of the few men who are probably even worse than Tebow at throwing a football 20 yards

2. We’re Forced to Hear about States That Don’t Mean Anything
Let’s be real honest here, since when does anyone give a fuck about Iowa or New Hampshire? Last time I heard, never. Even the people who live in those states realize they don’t mean anything to anyone anywhere. So why are a bunch of taint-stains on Fox News acting like I should care about those insignificant little places? The only thing that matters less than those states is the Republican Primaries, so why do I have to endure hours of those two things being combined? Next someone’s going to tell me I should care about football teams not controlled by God. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I don’t give a shit if the 49er’s do have a great run defense, until Jesus shows up on the field in the form of a stiff arm allowing an 80 yard touchdown in OT, I just don’t care. In fact, I might actually care about the Republican primaries if there was a little more Tebow. But there isn’t, so I don’t.

1.  It’s Just Wasting Time that Could Be Spent Listening to Obama’s Plans for His Second Term
There’s no way in Hell any Republican could win in the general election, so why waste time listening to a bunch of old, white assholes harp about the plight of the struggling upper-class business owner? How about we just tell Obama he won the election, allow him to transform this country for the better, and enjoy our lives? Maybe if we spent more time allowing people with good ideas to help the country and less time dicking around discussing which rich white guy is more unfit to run the country, we might, I don’t know, do something good for the first time in a long ass time. It’s just an idea.

The Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever

You may have heard of Rick Perry. He’s a candidate for president running in the Republican Party. He used to be George Bush’s pet lieutenant governor in Texas and was reportedly scarred by separation anxiety after Georgie Boy left him for Washington.

He also owned a shooting ranch. He decided the name of that ranch should probably have the most racially offensive word his limited vocabulary could think of.

Here’s another fun fact: Rick Perry is not going to be president. However, he released today a super cool new campaign ad that will make you all love him. Here it is:

Without further ado, I present the Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever:

1. The Title
Strong? That’s a weird way to spell “Blatant Hail Mary for the Evangelical Vote in Iowa.”

2. “I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian.”
Yeah, well thanks to assholes like you, the rest of us are. It’s because of homophobes like this that other Christians have to spend all day explaining that we like the parts of the Bible about “luhhing thy neighbor” and “blessed are the poor” and “eternal salvation” more than the dietary restrictions or instructions on selling thine daughters into slavery. Like, seriously, stop it. I’m sick of explaining that 1% of the Christians own 90% of the bigotry.

3. “You don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong.”
It’s literally like he views religion as some sort of item on a checklist. You sat in a pew on a particular day of the week? FORGET WHAT YOU BELIEVE OR DO, YOU ARE NOW A CHRISTIAN CONGRATS WE’RE ALL SO PROUD OF YOU.

4. “There’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military”
Yeah I just doubled up on a line. What of it? That’s how fucking heinous this piece of horseshit ad is. Now then, there is almost nothing that angers me more than people demanding that all them gays be kept out of the military. While I have never served in the military, I’m pretty fucking sure that when you’re running into a hail of gunfire there is almost nothing as irrelevant as which type of genitalia you prefer in and around your mouth.

5. “But our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school”
Bro. I went to public school. We celebrated the living shit out of Christmas. So much Christmas. So little not Christmas. Now go change your underwear, take your pills and get back in your cage.

But in terms of school prayer, Rickie Bobby Redux hit the nail on the head. I’d sit in school all day just bursting at the seams to pray! But every time I tried, that dadgum Obamer would run in lock me up at the Guantanamo Bay just for thinking of it. It’s an outrage! Thank goodness there’s a candidate who finally had the guts to make school prayer an issue in a presidential election. Stupid Titmonger.

6. The fact that he stops walking up the hill after like three steps
Just going for a casual three-step stroll? Cool brah. I hope you’re happy with your life choices.

7. “I’ll end Obama’s war on religion”
No no, silly. That’s “Obama’s war on bin Laden” that you’re thinking of. And newsflash: YEEEEAAAHHHHH WE GOT HIMMMMMM. VICTORYYYYYY.

8. That his staff forgot to turn off the ability to like/dislike this video
As of my most recent viewing, 97.71% of those who responded disliked the video. Literally. 46,000 dislikes to 1,000 likes. You couldn’t get 97.71% of Americans to agree on how much they hate something if it was a contest between Casey Anthony and Adele.

9. His hair is so nice
Ugh. I’m gonna be bald by the time I’m forty. Fuck Rick Perry.

Wait, I was supposed to come up with ten things I hated? But I only have nine… Uhhh… What was that tenth one again? We had the uh… There was the… the… title and the uh… the war on religion… and uh… I can’t. The tenth one. Oops.

Got him.