“Her” “Really Changed Me” Says Friend Who Won’t Shut Up about “Her”

EVANSTON, IL – At 6:50 PM Saturday, your friend saw the film Her, and, since his time of viewing the movie, has, quite literally, not stopped talking to you about how you need to see it.

(via zukuheler.sourceforge.net)

“No, dude, you don’t understand, it’s very powerful,” your friend remarked to you late Saturday evening. “It’s honestly the most intimate love story I think I’ve ever seen.  Like, maybe more so than Eternal Sunshine.  No, I’m serious.”

Her, written and directed by the same guy who co-created a show where coke addicts willingly got kicked in the crotch for your entertainment, is, as far as you can tell, about a guy who falls in love with his iPhone.  You also noticed that the chick who played Mark Wahlberg’s wife in The Fighter is in it, and, you postulate, she’s probably pretty good in whatever role she’s playing.

The film has received acclaim critically, commercially, and from your friend, who just this morning texted you, reminding you to, if you have the chance, see it as soon as you possibly can.

“It changed me dude you won’t regret it,” your friend said over text message. “I know you like deep movies so I don’t see why you wouldn’t like this one.”

This marks the third year in a row your friend has incessantly pestered you to see a film he really really likes around Oscar season.  Last year, at his unrelenting behest, you saw Les Misérables, a movie that is approximately 8 hours long and features musical numbers sang by the guy from Gladiator; and the year before last year, he obsessively bothered you about Midnight in Paris, a movie directed by a 78-year old man who is married to his stepdaughter.

Journalism Student Writes Article Defending Millennials While Vigorously Masturbating

Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

EVANSTON, Ill. – While penning an opinion piece about why the generation of Americans aged 18-30 is in fact one of the hardest-working and most intelligent generations this country has ever seen, Northwestern student Timothy DeVaine (Medill, ’15) could not help but start tugging on his penis in a furious and fast-paced motion until he successfully reached orgasm.

Sources confirmed that DeVaine was not initially that excited as he typed the first paragraph of the piece on his Macbook Air, gifted to him by his parents in honor of his 3.4 cumulative GPA last year, a paragraph which read, “They’re self-absorbed.  They expect a reward for every little thing they do. 

Top 5 Reasons Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel Got Divorced

This month marks the four-year wedding anniversary of Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel. Ben is best known as the sad-sack lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service, while Zooey is an actress as well as the songstress for the band She & Him. Unfortunately, everyone’s favorite pick for “Cutest Indie Couple” have been separated almost as long as they were married, and their divorce was finalized in December.

When the pair first became an item, I combined their names to create the celebrity power couple name “Zen,” thinking it captured the harmonious nature of their relationship. Knowing how things turned out, “Booey” (pronounced like the British glam-rocker’s surname) might have been a better choice.

Mayoral Sexting Scandal Strikes Evanston

Evanston, IL–In a shocking turn of events, embedded Sherman Ave reporters have recently uncovered that the mayor of the City of Evanston, Elizabeth Gertrude Tisdahl, has been involved in a tawdry sexting scandal with some of Evanston’s most elite and respected community members. And while much has yet to be discovered, the Pacemaker-nominated researchers at Sherman Ave have been able to access transcripts of several of the exchanges (below).

Disclaimer: The following information is not safe for work. Please proceed with caution.

Tales of a Dillo Day Groupme

For some reason, we thought it would be a fun idea to make a group texting thread among 18 Sherman Ave writers on Dillo Day.

It was not a good idea.  Most of our phones died before 2pm and we all hated everyone.

We have recreated some of the most heinous conversations for your viewing pleasure.  We only hope that this can bring a tiny ray of sunshine to your debilitating headache and nausea.

To Northwestern’s Quarter System, The Crusher Of Spirit, The Bringer of Late Nights Crying to “You Are Beautiful” By Christina Aguilera. On Repeat.

Time to cry in the shower while listening to Adele again.

It’s the end of May, and with it comes the flowers in bloom, the inconsistent sunlight of the Chicago sky, and the sound of graduation caps being thrown into the air in happy rejoice. This is a good time. This is a happy, carefree time. This is a time of new beginnings and new hopes that OH WAIT A FUCKING SECOND I HAVE TWO 15-PAGE PAPERS DUE NEXT WEEK AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS THROW A FUCKING BONG OUT THE WINDOW.

I’m not over-reacting. Okay, I am.

Fiske: Evanston “Too Bright” At Night

Fiske, shortly before joining Mayor Tisdahl to toss confiscated Smirnoff Ice into the Skokie River

EVANSTON — First Ward Alderman Judy Fiske released a statement earlier this morning claiming that the streets of Evanston adjacent to Northwestern University’s campus are just “way too bright at night.”

The statement, which was released by Alderman Fiske from the desk of her retail pet supply store Fit + Frisky! just prior to Fiske phoning the police to report a pair of undergraduates exiting EV1 and sneaking a case of High Life into a backpack, lambasted the Associated Student Government’s recent effort to increase off-campus lighting.

An open letter to the Northwestern Kid who Just Didn’t Get Involved Enough

Happiness Club does NOT count

Dear Northwestern Kid Who Just Didn’t Get Involved Enough,

Let’s face it.  Every single person at this university is way busier than you, and everyone knows it. Uninvolved Kid, your lack of extracurricular involvement within Northwestern is like a giant dildo on the floor of a nursing home. We all know it’s there, but we really, really don’t want to bring it up.

Remember how you sobbed after realizing how fucking fat and lazy you’ve gotten since high school? How you dripped tears and snot onto your iPhone and Siri was like “whoa, this kid needs his mom” and called her for you? And how your faithful mom, who has been glued to her phone ever since that one time you rang her up about barfing in the BK lounge AGAIN, answered your moaning self-denigration with a “Honey! Of course that’s not true. You’re my little rainbow! Why, I bet everyone at your smart college thinks about themselves the same way.”

An Open Letter to Autocorrect

Hey babysitter, listen.  We need too talk.

The last few months have beer a whirlwind.  It seriously astounds me too think that back in July, I didn’t even knew you.  The night we net each other, I could never have envisioned that our relationship would development so quickly and so organically.  You found me when I was in a dark places, and your kindness and grave brought me out of it.  For that, I can never thanks you enough.

A Freshman Guide to Not Getting Mugged

Graphical representation of what the perpetrators probably look like.

So no one told you college was gonna be this way.[1] Your job is, indeed, a joke (who actually studies?! DRINK THE LIQUORZ FER DAYZZZ #YOLO). Your love life, unless you’re a swarthy AEPi brother, is definitely dead on arrival. Northwestern is most certainly not broke (Our endowment is bigger than that time Twattingworth met the Beatles and Jesus and then YOLO’d all over them),[2] but you, hypothetical-and-almost-certainly-not-reading-this reader, are about to be BROKE ASS POOR, because Northwestern is rife with bands of roving armed militiasprobably unarmed youths who will demand your wallet, your Andy’s Custard giftcard, your iPhone, or YOUR LIFE.