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Tag Archives: Italian

Class of 2014’s Senior Citizens Thrilled with Selection of Commencement Speaker

4 Apr
muti5

(via voices.suntimes.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – The news that Riccardo Muti, music director of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, was tabbed as this year’s commencement speaker for Northwestern University was met with overwhelming excitement on Thursday by the large contingent of senior citizens in the Class of 2014.

“I’m a pretty a typical Northwestern student. I have seven grandchildren, reading glasses, and a hip replacement,” explained eighty-five year-old Weinberg senior Wilfred O. Rumpelstein. “So I think I speak for all of my classmates when I say that a classical music director is kind of a dream selection for the speaker that will wrap up my college experience.”

Campus officials explained that the decision was an easy one. “We’re very happy with the selection of Riccardo Muti as this year’s commencement speaker,” said one campus official on Thursday. “We were looking for someone who represented the interests of the outgoing class and a seventy-two year old, Italian classical music conductor seemed like the obvious choice.”

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ASG Int’l Blitzkrieg Campaign Remains Unappeased

18 Apr
Because haircuts should mirror bird plummage

Because haircuts should mirror bird plummage

Strutting through an Italian plaza (if you don’t strut they won’t know you’re American) the other day, I was enjoying just another day in the life. Curses from the enfeebled elderly couple I elbowed out of my way, glares from the feathered mohawk Euro-bag regarding my outfit of baggy jeans and a North Face, and the utter contempt of the only people who know English here, the miserably poor Indian men marketing their shitty lighters (luckily they can understand “Today’s just like yesterday, asshole, I ain’t buyin’”). When, lo, to my surprise, I was warmly greeted by a friendly, well-fed, terribly-dressed collegian.

“Hey, I’m out supporting Ani for ASG President, and we’re really interested in how annual term study-abroad students can have their Northwestern Experience brought to the next level!”

Blown away by the touching interest that ASG campaigners take in their student body, I spat on the ground and cursed “No one wants you here, gypsy” in Italian. I was completely flabbergasted and responded in the fashion of my new motherland (in fact the elderly couple from earlier witnessed the whole exchange and sweetly clasping my hand they said “Damn Albanians”).

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Exclusive: Sherman Ave Speaks With Pope Francis I

14 Mar
#YOPO

#YOPO

Yesterday marked a historic day for the Catholic Church, as Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina—now known as Pope Francis I—was selected to be the 266th leader of the Catholic Church.  In a stroke of good luck, Sherman Ave correspondent Prince Giblets was fortunate enough to chat with the recently elected Pontifex Maximus only moments after he spoke for the first time at the Vatican.  What did His Holiness have to say?  You’ll have to keep reading to find out:

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How To Liven Up Your Summer

5 Jul

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you have spent more time walking around your house with your pants off than you ever imagined possible. It can all only mean one thing: summertime is here. Now, if you’re anything like me, spending six hours a day with your hand down your pants just isn’t cutting it (unfortunately, we’re not all thirteen and having your hand down your pants for hours is neither funny nor exciting anymore), so here are a few suggestions to make your summer more exciting.

Cats, meanwhile, seem to derive endless pleasure from sticking their tongue in their crotch.

1. Pick Up a New Hobby
Maybe you’ve always wanted to be a painter but have never had the time to work on your craft. Or maybe all of your Orgo homework has been interfering with your ability to build a replica model of the Northwestern Campus. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ve always wanted to test how long you could spend moaning in the massage chairs at Brookstone before a sales associate asks you to leave. No matter what your weird aspirations are, summer is the perfect time to explore them. Why spend all of your summer watching re-runs of Breaking Bad when you can start your own meth lab? (Note: Sherman Ave in no way supports or endorses the idea of starting a meth lab) From working on your guitar playing abilities so you can pick up that comm studies major that shot you down at the Keg during Reading Week, to teaching yourself Italian so you can pick up that comm studies major that shot you down at the Keg during Reading Week, to learning to breakdance so you can pick up that comm studies major who shot you down at the Keg during Reading Week – the possibilities are endless.

2. Get In Shape
For anyone who has ever been shot down by a comm studies major at the Keg (it was once dance, Julie! ONE DANCE!), you know it is important to be in your best shape to get through your daily life – and summer is the perfect time to work on that physique of yours. Unfortunately, when everyone returns to Northwestern, there will still be a month and a half until all warmth and life leaves Northwestern for its annual five-moth vacation – which means everyone will be forced to wear normal clothing. Yes, unless you want to look like that awkward kid wearing a t-shirt in the pool, you will have to go over a month without being able to don the traditional, body-blurring Northwestern attire.

Ross Packingham’s baby picture

3. Find Some Summer Lovin’
Summer is all about having fun and exploring, so why not have fun by exploring the body of a stranger? Now, Sherman Ave is in no way condoning putting your tongue in the mouth of a random stranger, because that mouth could very well be Ross Packingham’s – and that wouldn’t be fun for anyone. Despite the alarming possibility of this horrendous event, you should not feel hesitant to go out and get yourself some of that summer lovin’. This is especially true if you are going on vacation abroad – because nothing exemplifies immersing yourself in a foreign country like immersing yourself in one of their foreign tongues. Remember everyone: this is your last opportunity to hook-up with a state school student for at least three months – so take advantage of it.

4. Stalk the Northwestern Class of 2016
Did you know that there’s a Facebook group where current Northwestern students are not only allowed, but encouraged, to interact with the incoming Northwestern freshman? Did you know you can post horrible, horrible things in that group? You can. Have a few more self-gratification jokes you forgot to tell before everyone stopped caring? The incoming freshmen will find them hilarious. Maybe you never get enough likes on your status. Post it in the NU Class of 2016 – Get Involved group and the incoming freshmen will be so blown away by your intelligence, wit, and maturity that they will all like it. Remember: all incoming freshmen are naïve and suggestible – so be careful to not blow your one opportunity to take advantage of that.

Aw, somebody’s got a serious case of the fluff!

5. Read Sherman Ave
Maybe you enjoyed this article. Maybe you hate horses. Maybe you should call me …MAYBE! But whether any of those things is true for you, you can find something you enjoy on sherman-ave.com because we all share a common bond – a love of swearing, Morty – and penguins. In the end, isn’t that what this life is all about? Penguins, those adorable little bastards.

Hate a Random Country: France

13 Sep

A Frenchman overcoming his existential ennui with wine, bread, and unbridled douchiness.

Have you ever had your testicles sawed off with a rusty butter knife at a Nickelback concert? Although that may sound like the worst possible fate one could suffer, there are over 60 million people in the world who suffer a fate much worse. I’m not talking about AIDS victims, I’m not talking about human rights violations – I’m not even talking about Cubs fans. I’m referring, of course, to the French. Those elitist semensicles are the physical embodiment of everything heinous about the world, which is a substantial claim, given that they inhabit the same planet as other notorious twatbarrels like Iceland and New Zealand.

I’d like to begin this exposè by clarifying one crucial point: The French did not help us to gain our independence. “Historians” may assert that the French came to our “rescue” in “boats,” but we all know that those were just patriotic pirates mistaken for Frenchmen because of their tragic speech impediments.

Don't be fooled by the buxom and idyllic French Lady Liberty

Now, where was I? Oh that’s right – I was talking about how France is the most pitiful heap of Le Scrotum upon which humanity ever laid its sorrowful eyes. The first point of scrutiny is their flag, which boasts the triumphant red, white, and blue color combination, just like the United States. Don’t be fooled, though – while the American flag’s colors stand respectively for valor, purity, and justice, the French flag is merely a white flag of surrender with red and blue bars symbolizing red wine and bleu cheese.

You can't sit with us! That's the second time this week you've worn pantaloons!

France’s history of “leadership” is also notably heinous. Ranging from Louis XIV (who held the title of “Biggest P-tripper” for almost 300 years until Sherman Ave was created) to Nicolas Sarkozy (the only attendant of the G20 summit who could easily double as a cast member on Jersey Shore), the presidency and monarchy of France were never lucky enough to see any George Washingtons or Andrew Jacksons take office. The most successful leader they had was Napoleon, who can only be compared to an atrocious illegitimate lovechild of Danny DeVito and Jim Cramer. Napoleon accomplished some things as a leader, but all of his achievements are effectively canceled out by the fact that his men killed Prince Bolkonsky. Fucker.

To be fair, it was the first French combat victory in quite a long time.

Another hilariously sad aspect of France is its athletic culture. Like most nations that are absolutely rancid, France’s national sport is soccer, or “football,” as known by Brits and hipsters. One of my personal favorite highlights in France’s history is the national team’s 17-1 loss to Denmark in 1908. I don’t think there’s really too much more I need to say here – I’ll just humbly point out how demoralizing it must be to get clobbered by a country whose Queen fucked her brother-in-law. However, an even more humiliating event in the team’s history happened in the 2006 World Cup Final, when Zinedine Zidane – someone who stands out as a douchegargler even among the French populace – found it necessary to blatantly headbutt a member of the opposing Italian team. And then they lost! That’s like being ass-raped and still getting pregnant. Better yet, when the French national team qualified for the 2010 World Cup, they didn’t even make it to the primary elimination round; they were bested by the national teams of Mexico, South Africa, and – I shit you not – Uruguay. That was certainly a gargantuan blow to their ego, but thankfully they have enough ego in just their waxed mustaches that it didn’t do any permanent damage.

Some pansy French guy, probably after finding out how fucking lame the 5th Republic is or something

If you’re looking for more reasons why France is innately inferior, the proof is in the crêpes. Remember that time we landed at Normandy and showed the Nazis that they were not(sy) going to win World War II, while the French were too busy cultivating their fucking grapes? Remember that time the French thought they were going to win the 4×100 swimming relay in the 2008 Summer Olympics, and then American bamf-stick Jason Lezak came from behind like he was Kobe Bryant (not a basketball reference)? Remember that time an American athlete with a trunk only half-full of junk (or half-empty, for all you private-part pessimists) went into France and beat them at their own sport 7 times in a row? Because I remember. So, to all Frenchmen and Frenchwomen (often a difficult distinction to make), I leave you with this last thought: Next time your flagrant self-centeredness convinces you that you’re the best country in the world, you can escargot fuck yourself.