The 2014 Oscars: Who Will Win and Who Should Win

Best Picture:

• Who Will Win: 12 Years A Slave

• Why: Guiiiiilt trip.

• Who Should Win: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

• Why: This breathtaking adventure flick digs deep into issues surrounding age, vitality, and societal expectations of the elderly. With gritty performances from its ensemble cast, Bad Grandpa was basically “Nebraska,” “The Wolf Of Wall Street” and “American Hustle” all rolled into one whirlwind ride that critics described as “a movie,” “the next installment in the popular Jackass series,” and “R-rated.”

Best Director:

• Who Will Win: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

• Why: Consider this a make up prize for when his work on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was snubbed.

• Who Should Win:

12 Realistic Oscar Predictions for This Year

It’s Oscar season, and every person who’s ever seen a movie thinks they know what’s up when it comes to predicting the winners. Alas, sometimes what seems like the obvious choice doesn’t end up with the coveted golden statue that every immodest asshole has to complain is “so heavy”.

But don’t fret if your Oscar Prediction Ballot is full of disappointment. There are some things that we can all accurately predict about the Oscars. I’ve decided to share with you a few things you can realistically bet on during this year’s Academy Awards Show to diffuse some anxiety.

1. Ellen will dance. Probably a lot.  Because that’s what she does. She makes jokes and dances and invites talented children from YouTube to appear on her show.

2. Jennifer Lawrence will do something adorable and everyone on every social media platform will talk about how much they love her and maybe even talk to each other in real life about it because she is that adorable.

7 Times Jennifer Lawrence Got Away with a Crime Because She’s So Quirky

1. Stealing from an Orphanage

Stale bread is the main source of nutrition at Saint Bethesda’s Home for Little Girls with No Parents and Many Disabilities. Those parentless, limbless little girls salivated at the thought of a stale French roll. Jennifer Lawrence would not let them have that happiness.

On February 20, 2014, the orphans huddled around the bread truck’s exhaust pipe to stay warm. The delivery man stepped out of the truck and opened the bed for a group of girls crying tears of joy at the thought of a winter donation. None of the orphans expected Jennifer Lawrence to be sitting in an empty truck, gorging herself on the final crumb. J-Law calmed the sobbing orphans by saying, “But, I eat pizza and I’m not all too concerned with my body image! Doopity doopity doo.” The orphans proceeded to laugh as if nothing had happened. J-Law proceeded to spread her wings and fly off into the night, taking an orphan in her claws back to her nest in Los Angeles.

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

The Movies of 2013 as Told Through Snapchats

2013 was an amazing year for the movies. Jennifer Lawrence was hotter than ever, and America actually went to see movies about race that weren’t The Help. But instead of recapping this year in some dowdy list form, we thought we’d write a retrospective in the only medium you people seem to know how to communicate with these days: Snapchats.

11 reasons to see “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire”

The Hunger Games will likely be one of the movie series that defines this generation. It will be talked about for months and referenced for years. In lieu of this, we here at Sherman Ave feel it is of the utmost importance that everyone goes to see it. If, however, the threat of isolation from all of your closest friends and loved ones isn’t enough to convince you, we have 11 more reasons why you should see Catching Fire:

1. Jennifer Lawrence

An actress reaching the peak of her career and continuously improving her already-impressive craft, Jennifer Lawrence’s performance in Catching Fire has already wowed critics and fans alike, and is something you should not miss – even if you’re not a huge fan of the series.

Mayoral Sexting Scandal Strikes Evanston

Evanston, IL–In a shocking turn of events, embedded Sherman Ave reporters have recently uncovered that the mayor of the City of Evanston, Elizabeth Gertrude Tisdahl, has been involved in a tawdry sexting scandal with some of Evanston’s most elite and respected community members. And while much has yet to be discovered, the Pacemaker-nominated researchers at Sherman Ave have been able to access transcripts of several of the exchanges (below).

Disclaimer: The following information is not safe for work. Please proceed with caution.

Everyone Totally Notices That One Little Thing You’re Really Self-Conscious About

Um.

SEATTLE – A recent survey of everyone you know and hope to meet has revealed that every single person around you constantly acknowledges that one tiny fault that you’re really uncomfortable with.

Though you have hoped that nobody would pay attention to that one little thing you really hate about yourself, sources have confirmed that everyone you’ve ever met and will meet over the course of your entire life is constantly, and will constantly be, paying attention to that specific thing.

“It’s really the only thing that defines him as a person,” said your best friend who swore to never really pay attention to that minute detail that you hated every having to acknowledge. “How could I not notice? It’s disgusting and terrible and really makes him a person that everyone should criticize.”

Album Review: Northwestern Undertones’ “Rock Paper Shotgun”

A cappella is not for everyone.  Some people don’t like the overly-peppy feel.  Some people think a cappella ruins their favorite songs.  Some people simply prefer to keep their “dows” in the stock exchange and their “joos” in the synagogue.  But regardless of whether you love, like, or even appreciate a cappella music, you should seriously listen to “Rock Paper Shotgun,” the 4th studio album from Northwestern University’s Undertones.

The Undertones provide a selection of eleven unique, but cohesive songs.  Each song brings something new, innovative, and orally aurally pleasing, and yet each song maintains a remarkable level of technical skill, musicality, and soul.  Each arrangement was clearly crafted with a wealth of expertise, thought, and vision; each soloist sings with emotion and finesse; each song fits the pieces together perfectly.

The album starts with the smooth, intriguing voice of Eliza Palasz, the soloist on “Plain Gold Ring,” originally performed by the offbeat and weird-as-shit Kimbra.  Her voice is soon complimented a rich alto section and etherial hums in the male sections.  The song, though starting out serene and mysterious, reaches some impressive dynamic peaks, giving way to the soloist’s breathtaking high-range belt, which she casually whips out like Lyndon Johnson at a press conference.  The track comes again to a soft close, ending with a reiteration of a clever recurring tribute to “Settle Down,” another one of Kimbra’s songs.  Overall, this opening track showcases top-notch musicality and attention to detail, as well as an uncanny ability to create an atmosphere for a song that draws the listener in immediately.