Tag Archives: Jeremy Lin

Air Bud Signs With Houston Red Rockets

3 Apr
Three players on the Red Rockets, scouring the court to make sure there's no dogshit.

Three players on the Red Rockets, scouring the court to make sure there’s no dogshit.

HOUSTON – Red Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey announced today that a final agreement had been reached with golden retriever and notorious alcoholic-clown-duper Buddy, nicknamed “Air Bud.”  The team has signed the animal to a 3-year contract, compensating him with 15 million dollars a year, in addition to ample amounts of Alpo and catshit.

The decision to bring on Air Bud comes at an opportune moment for the Red Rockets; sitting in mediocrity at 7th place in the Western conference, the team needs rejuvenation.  Morey hopes that the addition of an all-star canine will rejuvenate the team and put them in a stronger standing for the playoff race. Continue reading

Knicks sign John Shurna, mistake any guard from elite academic institution for Jeremy Lin

11 Sep

John Shurna, Northwestern’s all-time leading scorer and all-time leading “almost going to the tournamenter,” has been signed by the New York Knicks. Of the National Basketball Association. The same league that has the Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers of Anaheim, and a host of other professional or semi-pro teams.

No seriously, this is a thing that has happened.

I’M ONLY GETTING STARTED, I WON’T SHURNOUT.

I wasn’t there because the Knicks refuse to give me press credentials for their top-level meetings or anything at all, but I assume the conversation that led to Shurna’s signing went like this:

Knicks GM Glen Grunwald: “So we lost Lin? Fuck.”

Knicks head coach Mike Woodson: “Yeah, he was the only reason anyone in their right mind would not despise this thoroughly detestable organization.”

Grunwald: “Well, we’ll have to replace him. Any thoughts?”

Woodson: “I mean, Lin was a phenom out of Harvard and I think that all guards from elite academic institutions are interchangeable. Let’s see who Princeton’s got.”

Grunwald: “No, they’ve been to the NCAA Tournament. I want someone from a school with a tourney-less streak like Harvard’s.”

Woodson: “Northwestern it is. Who’s that guy, Hernia?”

Grunwald: “We shall sign him at once, so long as he has delightfully high arcing shots and appears to be a 12-year-old boy.”

Again, no confirmation from the Knickerbockers that this is what happened, or that they even get my daily emails >:-(, but this is totally what happened.

The great thing here is that the Knicks have no idea what they’ve just lucked into. Not only is Shurn-daddy a natural shooter and skilled defender with a free throw percentage above 90%, but they have just signed a veritable marketing machine.

Look at this face. LOOK AT IT. Now stop looking at it before you get sad. This is the face that will launch a thousand endorsements. Move over Jeter, J-Shurn is the new face of Gillette: The Best First Razor a Pre-Pubescent Boy Can Get.  And lets not act like Johnny Boy wouldn’t make the perfect spokesman for all kinds of mocktails and non-alcoholic beers. Not to mention, there has GOT to be a way to get the Babyfaced Assassin involved in the next Bourne movie if they even make one because honestly what is that series without Matt Damon? But yeah. Anyway… Just get him on a couple of dates with Kendall Jenner and BOOM, Madison Ave will love him even more than Sherman Ave.

LOL, you forgot the part where I have God on my side.

And the fans will love him even more than the advertisers. Linsanity? Botch plz. Gimme Shurnacity any day of the week, except for Sundays which are for hot steamy hookups between Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall. Or Saturdays, which are designated for shitting gracefully upon whomever the Wildkittiez of NU happen to be playing. Probably not weekdays either for the next few weeks cause the MLB Postseason is coming up and there is NOTHING like October baseball. But at some point in the future, I’ll want Shurnacity. Maybe.

So, to the New York Knicks: No, not every lanky guard from a top school is Jeremy Lin. But that might just be a good thing. While Jeremy Lin rose to the pinnacle of the sport in a matter of hours, Shurna has proven to be a great leader when you’re losing. Ya know, to the Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers of Anaheim, and a host of other professional or semi-pro teams in the National Basketball Association.

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Who to follow/like on Twitter/Facebook

1 Mar

This kid likes Sherman Ave. And somebody called Kate Upton.

Let’s assume, for a second, that you’re heinous. I know, I know: You? You’d never be heinous! Heinous is a bad thing! Like classes that don’t allow laptops or the fact that Tim Pawlenty was so drastically overlooked in the rational-fest that is the GOP primary! But based on the fact that you’re reading this honorable website, I’m gonna say you might be heinous.

And, if you’re as heinous as I imagine, then you may be thinking to yourself, “Ugh I totes feel like I don’t rully follow enough awesome people on social media!” Have no fear: Sir T-Worth is here to ruin the Internet with a nice little list of the best accounts to like or follow on Facebook or Twitter.

Sherman Ave
Why the hell haven’t you liked and followed us yet? We’re fucking hilarious. Do it now.

Your Friend From High School (@FriendFromHS)
This is probably the best parody account on the internet. Seamlessly weaving heinousness, ignorance, terrific spelling, unthinkable abbreves, plotlines and alcoholism into 140 character tidbits, FriendFromHS captures the essence of every townie. You’ll be treated (or tweeted!!! GET IT?!!?) to such joys as “WHY DOES EVER BARTENDA OR HIGH SCHOOL COACH I SLEEP WIT HAVE A WIFE?!?! uggggh #happyvd” and get to know her newly born twins, Caylee and JonBenet. This is potentially our pinnacle as a species.

Not Buster Olney (@Tripping_Olney)
If you love sports or comedy or ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney, look no further. TrippingOlney is the one account that successfully takes a sober, vanilla sports reporter and accurately puts him on LSD. Tweets like “WHY’D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? TO AVOID BEING SIGNED BY THE METS” provide a welcome respite from all the other incredibly serious accounts on this list. And you know it’s funny because he tweets in ALL CAPS.

Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden)
Sweet sultry seamstress of sexual synergy! America’s favorite underage future-sex-tape-star has never been one to hold back, be it in her choice of husband, affinity for flirting with pumpkins, or on Twitter. Stodden, who rose to fame for her, um, “mature” looks and marriage to former LOST star and 51-year-old Doug Hutchison at the age of 16, uses Twitter as her personal release for all that lusty, lusty lust she has pent up. She also uses an unthinkable amount of alliteration. Which is cool. But guys, she’s 17. Is this whole situation legal?

Did you seriously just tweet about how you became the mayor of the Norris Crepe Station?

Jed Bartlet(@Pres_Bartlet)
If you’re a West Wing fan, this is 2 e-z. But even if you’re not it’s well worth your time to follow the “fictional” president from the show. Bartlet’s tweets have the ability to appear as snappy 140-character one-liners, yet often make a valid point in a witty, concise way. The account’s creators stay true to the show’s character and stick both to his politics and style. But be warned: Bartlet was a Democrat (and perhaps the greatest president we’ve ever had) and his tweets follow suit. Santorum-huggers may want to stay away.

Facebook
OMG like it on Facebook, it’s so meta! Meta on meta on meta. Everything’s meta, I love being meta. I have no idea what meta means.

Newt Gingrich Ideas (@GingrichIdeas)
Newt Gingrich loves thinking of stuff. He loves thinking of himself as President, he loves thinking of divorcing his wife for a younger version, he loves thinking of the moon, and he loves thinking of ideas. This account has a direct link to Newt’s brain and such brilliant ideas as “Kittens.” or “Trick a Muslim into eating pork so I can steal his powers” or “Show up at the Grammys in a wig and accept all of Adele’s awards.” If we get enough people to follow this account, the Republican primary voters might remember he exists again!

George Takei
Guys he’s so funny. Like literally, who could have foreseen that Lt. Sulu would end up this balla? His Facebook page has seriously become my one-stop shop for all things random, funny, inappropriate, poignant, and in favor of marriage equality. He’s the definition of the old guy who knows how to use Facebook and he’s done a great job of establishing a personal relationship with his fans through caption contests and personal posts. We must reward this kind of behavior. Like him immediately.

Northwestern Girl (@NrthwesternGrl)
She just gets us. Northwestern Girl takes all of NU’s subtle habits, phrases, and tendencies and combines them into the epitome of an overachieving sorostitute who casually lives in Norris. Her knowledge of what makes NU students tick is at once enviable and horrifying, and tweets such as “We should totally do that. Let’s go during reading week!” and “When are you getting to Evanston slash when are we getting together???? FREAKING OUT” will leave you giggling alone in your room because you have no friends.

Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson)
Rainn Wilson’s Twitter picture is currently Jeremy Lin. That’s pretty all you need to know about this account. Wilson, who plays Dwight on the popular American version of the British smash hit comedy “The Office” airing Thursday nights on NBC even though Steve Carrell left, tackles comedy, politics, and everything weird on this account. Perhaps the best way to summarize Wilson’s eclectic Tweeting style is through this one: “They keep switching T-Mobile girls & thinking we won’t notice. Like Bewitched.”

Jenna Marbles (@Jenna_Marbles)
She’s taught us how to do The Face. She’s filled us in on how to trick people into thinking you’re good looking. She let us know what the ladiez do in the car. But now, everyone’s favorite YouTube

It's no Dmitri, but it'll get the job done.

comedian/likely stripper is dispensing her knowledge on the Twitters. Marbles fills her page with tidbits of heinous to keep us informed on how to like the white girl trash lifestyle 24/7. Anecdotes like “I just did the walk of shame from my living room to my bedroom” and “Couple of shots of tequila deep. Anyone else? Just me? Cool. *cries about life*” let you know that she’s the real deal, too.

Burnett’s (@_Burnetts)
This parody account highlights the lowlights of consuming perhaps the fifth worst vodka known to man. Tweets range from follower-submitted Burnett’s horror stories to polite encouragement that comes in handy when you’re reconsidering your life choices. Usually hilarious, _Burnett’s lets us remember that there are other heinouses out there in the world, if only you know where to look. One note of caution: sometimes this shit is too real.

Shurned Out: Riding the Bubble at Northwestern

23 Feb

Apparently he didn’t appreciate the five-foot pictures of his face in the crowd.

Last Saturday, John Shurna broke Northwestern’s career scoring record, surpassing Billy McKinny‘s 1,900 career points with a three-pointer against Minnesota. Last weekend I set a career personal high score of 18,310 points in BrickBreaker, but nobody made much of a fuss about it.* Or even a t-shirt.

As Northwestern basketball fans are starting to realize, life on the bubble of the NCAA tournament is a lot like what I’m assuming drunk sex with your pledge wife would be like: you hold your breath and hope that everything magically falls into place to bring about a wondrous sensation you’ve never felt before, but you’re really just waiting for something to go horribly awry and inevitably ruin everything you hold dear. There will probably be a lot of crying in the end no matter what.

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