The Sandra Fluke Rule

Rush: The Human Douche-Strudel

Last week, human colonoscopy Rush Limbaugh launched a three-day offensive against Georgetown Law student Sandra Fluke after Fluke was denied the opportunity to testify before a congressional panel on contraception. Fluke had intended to share her opinion that private institutions such as G-Tizzle should be required to offer health care plans that offer birth control at no extra cost to women.

Yet crocodile anus Rush Limbaugh decided this meant she accepted cash or other forms of payment in exchange for sexual intercourse with another human being and called her a “slut” and a “prostitute” before demanding that Fluke release tapes of said intercourse for him to touch his pee-pee to. Limbaugh, an ingrown toenail, has faced significant backlash for his statements, which is obviously quite unfair. To back up synthetic diarrhetic Rush Limbaugh’s attacks on the harlot, we’ve developed a quick list of other incredibly offensive names we should apply to people who do extraordinarily normal things:

People who use cafeterias in schools: Lard-asses
You fatsos have the nerve to demand that schools let you just stuff your faces all day long? Wow, that’s really taking morbid obesity to the next level. Why don’t you all just not eat all day ever? That’d make things a lot easier for the rest of us, you overweight calorie dumpsters. It’s embarrassing that you honestly think you should be given a public place to engage in your disgusting food orgy. THINK OF THE FUCKING CHILDREN.

People who have a tutor: Euthanizable Idiots
If you don’t know how to do differential calculus on your own, you should be removed from the gene pool, plain and simple. This is an inherently American concept and anyone who even slightly disagrees is a terrorist.

People who hug their kids: Child Molesters
These are people who want us to just stand by and watch as they lay hands on children. The most disgusting of individuals, I cannot see why these child-hugging monsters have not been arrested, forced to report themselves to their neighbors and removed from within a half-mile radius of schools. I’m thoroughly sickened by these perverts and it definitely has nothing to do with not having been hugged as a child.

People who are on life-support: Drug Addicts
They’re so dependent on that steady stream of sweet, sweet drugs that they’d literally die if we took it away. That’s actually the definition of an addiction. Too easy. Now take the goods away from these society-ruining deadbeats and watch the economy flourish. Just watch. It’s totally gonna happen.

Are you the fucker who didn’t say hi to me on Sheridan Road?

People who walk on sidewalks: Genocidal Maniacs
This one may take a minute but I promise it’s well thought out. Ok, so who pays for sidewalks? We, the taxpayers, do as a community. So the COMMUNEity pays for sidewalks. It’s basically a sidewalk-obsessed commune of neo-commies laying down concrete and making us all walk in their Marxist line. You know who else loved communes and marching in lines? Joseph Stalin, that’s who. Anyone who uses a sidewalk is Joseph Stalin.

People who coach football: Jerry Sandusky
He coached football. Transitive property says everyone who coaches football is him. Look it up, bro. But don’t you fucking dare get a tutor to explain it, you euthanizable idiot.

People who use a radio show to accuse law students of being hookers: Chodes
Rush Limbaugh is a mildew.

On Penn State and Scandal

What the fuck? Like literally. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I assume by now you realize I’m talking about the horrific and in every way unfunny allegations coming out of Penn State and now Syracuse. While no one has yet been tried in a court of law, if even one tenth of the accusations made against these men and those around them are true then I am incredibly justified in saying WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PATHETIC SCUM OF THE EARTH?

For those of you who don’t keep up with the newly created “alleged child rapists and molesters in elite college sports programs” beat, here’s the rundown. A football coach at Penn State is believed to have sexually abused at least eight boys over a forty year period, he was witnessed doing this, the witness reported it to his superiors, the alleged rapist retired, AND FUCKING NO ONE WENT TO THE POLICE TO TRY TO PROTECT THE YOUNG CHILDREN. Also, it is accused that a Syracuse basketball coach molested at least two ball boys over a period of 15 years, school officials may have known, AND FUCKING NO ONE WENT TO THE POLICE TO TRY TO PROTECT THE YOUNG CHILDREN.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Sir T-Worth, your use of caps is physically painful to me to behold.” To which I of course respond: “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY CONCERNED ABOUT HOW BIG THE LETTERS I’M TYPING ARE WHEN THERE ARE CHILD MOLESTERS AND RAPISTS RUNNING AROUND LOCKER ROOMS? UNREAL.”

Because honestly, this continues to be among the worst and most depressing stories I’ve ever read. The acts themselves are nearly unthinkable. The level of evil needed for anyone to do what Jerry Sandusky is accused of doing is certainly nearing Gaddafi heights. And as for the school and team administrators who may have known what happened and not only didn’t go to the police, but didn’t fire the man involved and allowed him to remain around the children, I have almost nothing to say. Except that you, in every way imaginable, sicken me to my very core. I have heard some of them say publicly and in private emails that they regret their lack of action, which is certainly good. This indicates to me that they do have a moral compass. But that moral compass was apparently more AWOL than Ronald Reagan during the Iran-Contra scandal.

Just when I thought this entire saga couldn’t make me hate the entirety of planet earth even more, Sandusky went and gave an interview to Bob Costas that left me physically quivering as if Michele Bachmann was once again leading the polls. He claimed it was just horseplay and that he was just innocently showering with 10-year-old boys (sidenote: I believe under the definition of “oxymoron” that sentence appears). Yet when asked if he was attracted to little boys, he couldn’t even bring himself to say no. Instead, he gave a rambling damning answer about “liking young people.” Again, this stuff is not for the weak of stomach.

Finally, I would like to once again advise everyone against reading the grand jury report on this. Three pages in and I was forced to stop before I passed out in a pool of my own vomit and tears. And for reference, I giggled through The Amityville Horror. This is so so so so much worse than a family being annoyed by ghosts for a month, turning on each other, watching a priest go blind, losing their minds, falling in pits of blood, being locked in their own rooms and having paranormal beasts befriend their daughter (retroactive spoiler alert).

In closing, every goddamn person who knew about these goddamn sex attacks and did nothing to prevent future ones should be required to go to every goddamn kindergarten classroom in America and personally apologize to every goddamn young child there.