SALINE, Mi. – According to sources, local man Evan McSweeny pointed out to a small group of his friends this afternoon that the holiday of Easter and the cult holiday of 4/20 occur on the same day in the year 2014 – April 20th.
“Yeah man, isn’t that nuts,” McSweeny reportedly commented to his friend group while giggling wildly. “Jesus is gonna be getting high off of God and shit, and off of some gnarly kush.” Continue reading
1. You were trying to go to the library but it took too goddamn long to cross Sheridan.
2. The government was shut down.
3. You were looking for the crepe place in Norris.
4. You got impaled by a biker so now you lie bleeding.
5. You were writing a strongly worded letter to your local congressman.
Miley Cyrus, daughter of notable country star and probable redneck Billy Ray Cyrus, has long been an object of media scrutiny. However, she has changed all of this with the release of her new video “We Can’t Stop.” This video sets Miley apart, as she takes on subject matters rarely heard in pop music such as partying, and hooking up with others. However, not all of us are smart and mature enough to understand Miley, because she’s really artsy and mature now and we just don’t understand her because she’s that fucking deep. So as someone who took an english class once[1], I’ll do the service of explaining this magnificent song elucidating its meaning to those not capable of understanding.[2] Continue reading
Fuck Yale.
My mom asks me, every fortnight or so, what I’m doing next fall. Of course, she knows what I know, which is that I don’t know. She asks anyway. Everyone asks all the time if I know what I’m doing next fall. Isn’t it enough that I’m about to graduate? No. It’s never enough. Doing the college is never enough.
But everyone else seems to have something to do, and it’s that time of year when everyone is announcing to everyone else that they’re just so talented that they’ve managed to secure that job or internship that had really long odds. Like, a Midwesterner-getting-into-Yale long odds. Fuck Yale.
And remember kids, bomb shelters can remain useful as sex dens and grow houses!
If you’re like me, you likely spent the better part of 2012 in eager anticipation of the coming Apocalypse. You restocked the bomb shelter, EMP-proofed your electronics, and talked at length about the end of the world with other True Believers—or really anyone at all. You also tasted some bitter disappointment when, once-again, the world refused end. Even allowing for slight error on the part of the Mayans, a new year has dawned and it seems it’s here to stay. What’s worse, no new apocalyptic visions have appeared to fill the gap left by 12/21/12. So what’s the average apocalypse chaser to do now that there are no more world-ending catastrophes looming on the horizon? In this short guide, I’ll give you some tips and tricks to reintegrate yourself into human society—at least until the next apocalypse gets announced.
Walking was w/e before, lol.
Sherman Ave contributor Gary Brownstein was recently made aware of the concept of Texting While Walking. After a few practice sessions in the safety of his own apartment, Brownstein hit the streets of Chicago to try out the phenomenon for himself. Below, he described the experience.
Dude, do you know how many stations of the cross I had to go through?
Yeah, Jesus is there too. I mean, you can’t really have two of them without the third being there. It’s in the Bible. Really, you’re going to go read the Bible and check? You could be reading about marijuana and sex, and you’re going to go read the Bible? That’s what I thought. It’s in the Bible then. Markwell even says so. Now that we all have a firm understanding of the Christian holy text, let me review why Northwestern is now everyone’s favorite den of sin and religion.
Sex Week
So I’m going to be really honest here: I don’t know much about sex. I always assumed sex was like Scrabble – something you did alone in your room crying because your prom date Susie dumped you the night before to go with the entire football team who she swore were “just friends” (I STILL LOVE YOU SUSIE!). Thanks to Sex Week though, I have learned sex can be something else: constantly, awkwardly present. Yes, for one week, sex was everywhere. Not in the theoretically awesome way, but realistically weird way, of people having sex everywhere (imagine people having sex everywhere you look. Doesn’t it sound cool in a really crazy way? Now imagine everyone at Northwestern having sex everywhere. Not so awesome.), but in the uncomfortable “everyone who I don’t want to imagine having sex is now talking about themselves having sex” kind of way. However, there is one positive thing to come out of Sex Week: dick pics. I have never heard so many people talk about “dick pics” so frequently, and it has quickly become my favorite topic of conversation. All of this conversation has brought me to one conclusion: everyone loves dick pics. In fact, I have realized that there must be nothing more attractive to women than the male penis on its own. Is that true? I feel like it must be true. So that was Sex Week.
You shall not pass... Until you hit me up with some of that dank shit.
I Agree With Markwell
Let’s be honest here guys: you’re probably bored by now. Nobody here wants to hear about sex and marijuana. Snorefest, right? So let’s get to what everybody wants to hear about: religion. Apparently there’s this guy named Markwell . He likes Jesus or some shit like that. I don’t know. Anyhow, I’m not here to debate religion – since there’s no debate to be had. The only true religion is Glandorism. There is only one simple tenet to Glandorism: God takes many forms, and all of those forms are dragons. Now that we have unanimity in our religious beliefs (you’re not going to disagree with a dragon, are you? Of course not), we can get to the important part of the Markwell campaign: Markwell. I’m not sure where they found this guy, but they probably should have found a more likeable guy. Basically, they should have found a non-engineer. Nothing against engineers, but yeah………..Engineers……No. Just no. That’s actually all I know about Markwell. However, he’s an engineer and people agree with him, so I already don’t like him.
In conclusion, Northwestern Spring Quarter 2012 boils down to three basic things: sex, weed, and Jesus. SO CALL ME MAYBE!
Now originally I had written a nice article exploring Chet’s recent tweets of his shirtless body and the mostly naked girl in the fuzzy background. I was totally set to make fun of him until I found this tweet stuck amongst his softcore porno instagrams:
I thought to myself, “Hey, is Chester M. Hanks being a nice guy, tolerant and supportive like his father?”
Then I realized I was talking about Chet Haze and the fact that he was just trying to boost his ego with pictures of his half-naked self to get followers. Apparently some Brazilians and Venezuelans are following him too, but the truth lies in the NU girls following him. Why are they doing it? “To see all the dumb shit he posts” is a pretty common answer by far. His pictures certainly beg for the attention of anyone posting in reddit.com/r/amisexy, and he certainly didn’t stop with the douche-mongering last Monday.
With hashtags like #kinetik (constantly plugging his management group, whose only real star is Chet himself) and #i<3ChetHaze (which doesn’t tag because of the inequality sign—awkward…), and the shame of not even being followed on twitter by his own father, Chet HAD to do something more to get followers.
So this happened:
And then this happened:
And then this happened:
It continues, but let’s not get too entrenched in his bizarre Evangelism. Before you get all crazy on me, I identify as a religious Catholic. But I also think tolerance is good and that there is a time and a place and twitter is NEVER the place to try some Evangelism, especially when you do nothing but contradict the shit out of yourself every day. Chet Haze has written NUMEROUS tweets about having sex, drinking, “getting wit the ladies,” and more. Sure, sex is fine, but I’m pretty sure Atheists have their own reasons for being so, and it’s just a rude thing to say that they are destroying society.
If anything Chet, you’re destroying life. Evangelism, last time I checked, isn’t supposed to involve calling people “Fucking fool[s].” Right now, you’re about as Evangelistic as Westboro Baptist, and those guys are incredible taint-strudels.
Then this happened:
Now, at first this seems like nothing, logical even, except that this is a misinterpretation of the bible. This idea comes from the verse about a sheep/lamb being led to the slaughter and opening not his mouth. I believe it’s from Isaiah 53, which is the 3rd Messianic oracle in the prophet Isaiah’s book in the old testament. That line is describing JESUS, the suffering servant. So in fact, you’re just being a lard-ass, because JESUS WAS THE SHEEP. YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT CHET. GO TO BED. (<– more about that in a bit.)
So the preaching self-righteous tweets went on for a while and then this happened:
Really? REALLY???
Then:
So Halima simply said “go to bed.” Good job at taking THAT tweet over the edge. And really? Lukewarm Mass of Mediocrity? Hardly. In fact, can we get that shit trending in the Chicago area? That would be great. Also, 15 hours ago would’ve been 2 am. You SHOULD go to bed. But then again, Chester, you were writing a 9 page paper for your Humanities 260 course with Morson and Morty. The same class that you sent out this email to the entire student attendance:
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
But then you realize, this has ALL been because C. Marlon Hanks decided that writing this 9-page paper has changed his life! You know why? He’s writing a paper comparing different translations of the Cain and Abel story. THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A CLERGYMAN.
Then:
I KNOW THIS GIRL. THAT IS SARCASM YOU FUCK.
THEN THIS. THIS IS THE GOLD:
NO, YOU SOUR ASS MOTHERFUCKER. GET OUT OF MY UNIVERSITY. YOU ARE NOT A NERD, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO HASHTAG THAT. YOU ARE UP THIS LATE BECAUSE YOU ARE PROCRASTINATING. YOU ARE NOT A NERD BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WRITING THIS OF YOUR OWN VOLITION. YOU HAVE TO WRITE THIS BECAUSE IT IS A FUCKING PROMPT. AS IN YOU WERE GIVEN TWO OR THREE CHOICES AND THIS IS THE SHITSTAIN YOU PICKED. GET THE FUCK OUT CHET HAZE.
I just want everyone to know that this is a $4.95 copy of a paperback bible that Chet only had to purchase because the class required it, which means his “Pray Everyday” shit has only been going on since the beginning of Winter quarter. You’re a really big spender, aren’t you.
YOU’VE BEEN CHET HAZED!
This cupcake symbolizes the defeat of teenage pregnancy
Now, I’d like to think that I fit into the 20-something club quite nicely. I publish self-indulgent blog posts, live in dire fear of missing a party, and am woefully unemployed. I vote Democrat and laugh at the word “clitoromegaly.” I buy records on vinyl, wear flannel, and spend an obscene proportion of my income at either BK or EV1, which suits me just fine. I fervently and irrationally believe that Steve Kerr was one of the most important guards in NBA history, and will be a drain on society in general for the next five years or so. Needless to say, I play a good deal of Sporcle and Civilization IV.
This 20-something is a Starbucks barista and staff writer for Thought Catalog
1. Beyoncé’s Unborn Baby
That fetus was still only 5 months old when it garnered 8,868 tweets a minute at the MTV Music Video Awards. To be honest, the only time I can ever hope to gain that much recognition in social media is if Ross Packingham mentions me in one of his status updates. The progeny of Ms. Knowles and Mr. Z will almost certainly emerge from the womb with more talent, beauty, and hedge fund investments than five generations of Rees’ will be able to amass. If this kid doesn’t have a hit single by the time she’s 7, Amy Winehouse will turn over in her grave.
Jesus getting hammered, like a proper 20-something
3. Harry Potter
Defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Check. Graduate school? Check. Bang a butterface ginger? Check. The kid did it all, which is even more impressive considering that he never once succumbed to the distraction of working alongside Emma Watson.
I'm going to grow up to do WHAT???
5. Koko the Gorilla
It took me nearly two years to master elementary Spanish, but this adorable ape mastered American Sign Language and English in a few short years. She also had a kitten, and apparently assaulted more women than Herman Cain, both of which prove her superiority to me.
Morty as a child
7. Macaulay Culkin
This kid was uglier than what I imagine Steve Buscemi to have looked like as a child, and yet he was still fucking boss. Not only did he single-handedly defeat Joe Pesci in the highest grossing comedy of all time, he also got to live the life of the richest boy in the world as the son of the founder of Rich Industries. The icing on the cake: Mila Kunis.
She also accomplished scaring the living shit out of me as a child
9. Willow Smith
This video has over 64 million views. The most popular video I ever starred in was of me doing the “Single Ladies” dance in my senior year econ class. Either there’s something wrong with America, or I just got my ass handed to me by a 10-year-old. Or both.
He also managed to get arrested before me.
11. Jane Austen
The woman had written most of Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice before she turned 20. Not that I really care about the morals, scandals, and marriages of the early 19th Century landed gentry of England, but I’d just about die if Colin Firth ever portrayed one of my characters. Just saying, he’d make a great Sir Edward Twattingworth III.
12. Peter the Great
Dude was 10 when he became Tsar. During his reign he transformed Russia from a freezing, backward, and destitute rural society into a 5,000,000-square-mile freezing, backward, and destitute society. All while suffering from epilepsy.
Despite a lack of physical presence, he still dominated in the paint.
14. Lindsay Lohan
Herbie: Fully Loaded aside, The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, and Mean Girls are some of the greatest acting performances I’ve seen in my lifetime. I’m pretty sure most guys my age have harbored a life-long crush on her ever since she valiantly challenged herself to a fencing match.
15. Michelangelo
Probably one of the best artists in Florence by the age of 14. No big deal.
16. Eliàn Gonzàlez
Not only did Gonzàlez cross from Cuba into American waters in an aluminum boat with a faulty motor, he also survived a sea storm while floating on nothing more than an inner tube. He also accomplished more in politics than any MTV Rock the Vote campaign ever has, quite possibly costing Al Gore the 2000 presidential election.
17. Madeline
The girl got her appendix removed and acted like it was no big deal. She also survived a fall off a bridge into the Seine River and ran away to join a group of traveling gypsies before she learned long division. That’s all there is; there isn’t any more.
18. Beethoven
Sure, as a child his father made young Ludwig stand at they keyboard until he cried. But it all worked out, right? He was seven at the time of his first public performance, and was publishing original compositions before most kids his age had mastered the art of five-paragraph essays.
Adorable
Honorable Mentions:
Adele, Kain Colter, Sasha Obama, George Harrison, LeBron James, Achilles, and Charlie Young.
We’ve won! All hail the mighty Morty Schapiro for kicking ass and taking names.
We must now, as a loving community, turn our attention to other antiquated laws which may or may not (I didn’t check) still be on the books today. A New York Times article published Feb. 14, 1922 outlines dire consequences for students failing to follow strict city ordinances.
Max Witower, Justice of the Peace and Sage of Evanston, who decrees what Northwestern University boys and co-eds may not do-and what will happen if they do-today handed down a new decalogue whose ten high crimes and misdemeanors are punishable with a spanking.
Sounds serious.
The rules, designed to apply to all students and just kids, are to be enforced, in the case of masculine offenders, by Policeman Carl Exman and in the case of girls by Policewoman Georgiana Jerell. The minimum spank sentence is five and the maximum twenty-five.
While I imagine about 10 percent (this is Northwestern so make that 40 percent) of the male student population probably wouldn’t mind being forcefully punished by Mr. Hunky-Policeman Carl Exman, the rules indicate a long history of fun-killing at the hands of Evanston city officials. Which horrible offenses will make it difficult for me to sit down for the next week?
Don’t wear “sloppy” (i.e. unbuckled) goloshes.
Don’t swear in public unless 21 or over.
Don’t use cigarettes unless 21 or over.
Don’t spoon in an automobile where the public can see.
Don’t get dormitory decorations by stealing “souvenirs.”
Don’t take some one else’s auto for a joy ride.
Don’t “fly ride” (i.e. ride on running boards, radiator or tire carriers) on automobiles.
Don’t hook bobsleds or sleds on automobiles.
Don’t roller skate in the downtown district.
Don’t be a rowdy in an ice cream parlor.
I’m arguably guilty of six of these, and the city of Evanston is guilty of using “rowdy” in the form of a noun. Point being that if Evanston begins reviving disturbingly outdated and offensive laws, as they are wont to do, we could be in for serious issues.
Want to yell about blowjobs in the streets? Instead of slightly humorous e-mails from Dean of Students Burgwell Howard, you would get slightly less humorous licks of the paddle.
Want to pre-game your next trip to Coldstone Creamery? That’ll be the belt for you.
Like to steal traffic cones and use them to funnel moonshine into your mouth? Might as well cut a switch before you even think about it.
Protect your rights, Northwestern students. Protect your right to spoon wherever the hell you want to spoon. Protect your right to roller skate over little girls on their way to church. Protect your right to wear the sloppiest galoshes you own.
An unknown (honestly not doing research) man once said “Proverbs are the cream of a nation’s thought.” But what is rowdiness except the nation of an ice cream parlor’s proverb? Or something.
Sherman Ave 
