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Tag Archives: Jesus

Local Man First to Notice Easter and 4/20 Are Same Day

19 Apr

SALINE, Mi. – According to sources, local man Evan McSweeny pointed out to a small group of his friends this afternoon that the holiday of Easter and the cult holiday of 4/20 occur on the same day in the year 2014 – April 20th.

“Yeah man, isn’t that nuts,” McSweeny reportedly commented to his friend group while giggling wildly. “Jesus is gonna be getting high off of God and shit, and off of some gnarly kush.” Continue reading

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27 Reasons Why You Just Can’t Write that Paper Right Now

22 Oct

1. You were trying to go to the library but it took too goddamn long to cross Sheridan.

2. The government was shut down.

3. You were looking for the crepe place in Norris.

4. You got impaled by a biker so now you lie bleeding.

5. You were writing a strongly worded letter to your local congressman.

Continue reading

A Line-by-Line Analysis of Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop”

2 Jul

Miley Cyrus, daughter of notable country star and probable redneck Billy Ray Cyrus, has long been an object of media scrutiny.  However, she has changed all of this with the release of her new video “We Can’t Stop.”  This video sets Miley apart, as she takes on subject matters rarely heard in pop music such as partying, and hooking up with others.  However, not all of us are smart and mature enough to understand Miley, because she’s really artsy and mature now and we just don’t understand her because she’s that fucking deep.  So as someone who took an english class once[1], I’ll do the service of explaining this magnificent song elucidating its meaning to those not capable of understanding.[2] Continue reading

How To Announce That You’re Awesome: The Code of Conduct for self-promotion of job/internship/higher education acceptance

14 Apr
Fuck Yale.

Fuck Yale.

My mom asks me, every fortnight or so, what I’m doing next fall. Of course, she knows what I know, which is that I don’t know. She asks anyway. Everyone asks all the time if I know what I’m doing next fall. Isn’t it enough that I’m about to graduate? No. It’s never enough. Doing the college is never enough.

But everyone else seems to have something to do, and it’s that time of year when everyone is announcing to everyone else that they’re just so talented that they’ve managed to secure that job or internship that had really long odds. Like, a Midwesterner-getting-into-Yale long odds. Fuck Yale.

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What To Expect When You’re Not Expecting: A Guide to Surviving the Non-Apocalyptic World

2 Jan
And remember kids, bomb shelters can remain useful as sex dens and grow houses!

And remember kids, bomb shelters can remain useful as sex dens and grow houses!

If you’re like me, you likely spent the better part of 2012 in eager anticipation of the coming Apocalypse. You restocked the bomb shelter, EMP-proofed your electronics, and talked at length about the end of the world with other True Believers—or really anyone at all. You also tasted some bitter disappointment when, once-again, the world refused end. Even allowing for slight error on the part of the Mayans, a new year has dawned and it seems it’s here to stay. What’s worse, no new apocalyptic visions have appeared to fill the gap left by 12/21/12. So what’s the average apocalypse chaser to do now that there are no more world-ending catastrophes looming on the horizon? In this short guide, I’ll give you some tips and tricks to reintegrate yourself into human society—at least until the next apocalypse gets announced.

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True Tales of Stuff: Texting While Walking

12 Dec
Walking was w/e before, lol.

Walking was w/e before, lol.

Sherman Ave contributor Gary Brownstein was recently made aware of the concept of Texting While Walking.  After a few practice sessions in the safety of his own apartment, Brownstein hit the streets of Chicago to try out the phenomenon for himself.  Below, he described the experience.

Continue reading

Sex, Weed, and Jesus – Oh My: Your Guide to Spring Quarter 2012 at Northwestern

20 Apr

Dude, do you know how many stations of the cross I had to go through?

Northwestern: Hall of academia, ambition, and — according to a bathroom attendant for the Chicago Cubs — ‘Good weed and pussy.’ Yes, when questioned about what Northwestern excels at, this valiant and questionably sober Cubs employee cited Northwestern as a source of excellent cannabis and lady parts. And though I was originally in disbelief that Northwestern would be known for anything other creating a big build-up and finishing disappointingly in everything (just like my sex life, AMIRIGHT? HIGH-FIVE!), this past week seems to be evidence that Northwestern is a den of poon and pot…and Jesus.

Yeah, Jesus is there too. I mean, you can’t really have two of them without the third being there. It’s in the Bible. Really, you’re going to go read the Bible and check? You could be reading about marijuana and sex, and you’re going to go read the Bible? That’s what I thought. It’s in the Bible then. Markwell even says so. Now that we all have a firm understanding of the Christian holy text, let me review why Northwestern is now everyone’s favorite den of sin and religion.

Sex Week
So I’m going to be really honest here: I don’t know much about sex. I always assumed sex was like Scrabble – something you did alone in your room crying because your prom date Susie dumped you the night before to go with the entire football team who she swore were “just friends” (I STILL LOVE YOU SUSIE!). Thanks to Sex Week though, I have learned sex can be something else: constantly, awkwardly present. Yes, for one week, sex was everywhere. Not in the theoretically awesome way, but realistically weird way, of people having sex everywhere (imagine people having sex everywhere you look. Doesn’t it sound cool in a really crazy way? Now imagine everyone at Northwestern having sex everywhere. Not so awesome.), but in the uncomfortable “everyone who I don’t want to imagine having sex is now talking about themselves having sex” kind of way. However, there is one positive thing to come out of Sex Week: dick pics. I have never heard so many people talk about “dick pics” so frequently, and it has quickly become my favorite topic of conversation. All of this conversation has brought me to one conclusion: everyone loves dick pics. In fact, I have realized that there must be nothing more attractive to women than the male penis on its own. Is that true? I feel like it must be true. So that was Sex Week.

You shall not pass... Until you hit me up with some of that dank shit.

4/20
With the fateful date of April 20th upon us, it’s time for most Northwestern students’ favorite hobby: judging people. For those who do not know the significance of April 20th, it is the day when heathens smoke marijuana, slothfully lie around, and enjoy life…bastards. However, to specify this to Northwestern, April 20th is the day sixty percent of students get high, thirty-nine percent of students don’t get high, and one percent of students freak the fuck out about the sixty percent of students smoking – and for good reason! Marijuana is the most dangerous thing to ever exist ever! Did you know that when people smoke marijuana, they feel lethargic, happy……..and KILL BUNNIES! It’s true! The government told me so. So as you think about whether or not you’re going to light up this April 20th, every hit from the bong you take and every bit of marijuana you inhale will lead to you killing a bunny.

I Agree With Markwell
Let’s be honest here guys: you’re probably bored by now. Nobody here wants to hear about sex and marijuana. Snorefest, right? So let’s get to what everybody wants to hear about: religion. Apparently there’s this guy named Markwell . He likes Jesus or some shit like that. I don’t know. Anyhow, I’m not here to debate religion – since there’s no debate to be had. The only true religion is Glandorism. There is only one simple tenet to Glandorism: God takes many forms, and all of those forms are dragons. Now that we have unanimity in our religious beliefs (you’re not going to disagree with a dragon, are you? Of course not), we can get to the important part of the Markwell campaign: Markwell. I’m not sure where they found this guy, but they probably should have found a more likeable guy. Basically, they should have found a non-engineer. Nothing against engineers, but yeah………..Engineers……No. Just no. That’s actually all I know about Markwell. However, he’s an engineer and people agree with him, so I already don’t like him.

In conclusion, Northwestern Spring Quarter 2012 boils down to three basic things: sex, weed, and Jesus. SO CALL ME MAYBE!

Why Chet Haze is a Taint-Strudel

15 Mar

Now originally I had written a nice article exploring Chet’s recent tweets of his shirtless body and the mostly naked girl in the fuzzy background. I was totally set to make fun of him until I found this tweet stuck amongst his softcore porno instagrams:

I thought to myself, “Hey, is Chester M. Hanks being a nice guy, tolerant and supportive like his father?”

Then I realized I was talking about Chet Haze and the fact that he was just trying to boost his ego with pictures of his half-naked self to get followers. Apparently some Brazilians and Venezuelans are following him too, but the truth lies in the NU girls following him. Why are they doing it? “To see all the dumb shit he posts” is a pretty common answer by far. His pictures certainly beg for the attention of anyone posting in reddit.com/r/amisexy, and he certainly didn’t stop with the douche-mongering last Monday.

With hashtags like #kinetik (constantly plugging his management group, whose only real star is Chet himself) and #i<3ChetHaze (which doesn’t tag because of the inequality sign—awkward…), and the shame of not even being followed on twitter by his own father, Chet HAD to do something more to get followers.

So this happened:

And then this happened:

And then this happened:

It continues, but let’s not get too entrenched in his bizarre Evangelism. Before you get all crazy on me, I identify as a religious Catholic. But I also think tolerance is good and that there is a time and a place and twitter is NEVER the place to try some Evangelism, especially when you do nothing but contradict the shit out of yourself every day. Chet Haze has written NUMEROUS tweets about having sex, drinking, “getting wit the ladies,” and more. Sure, sex is fine, but I’m pretty sure Atheists have their own reasons for being so, and it’s just a rude thing to say that they are destroying society.

If anything Chet, you’re destroying life. Evangelism, last time I checked, isn’t supposed to involve calling people “Fucking fool[s].” Right now, you’re about as Evangelistic as Westboro Baptist, and those guys are incredible taint-strudels.

Then this happened:

Now, at first this seems like nothing, logical even, except that this is a misinterpretation of the bible. This idea comes from the verse about a sheep/lamb being led to the slaughter and opening not his mouth. I believe it’s from Isaiah 53, which is the 3rd Messianic oracle in the prophet Isaiah’s book in the old testament. That line is describing JESUS, the suffering servant. So in fact, you’re just being a lard-ass, because JESUS WAS THE SHEEP. YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT CHET. GO TO BED. (<– more about that in a bit.)

So the preaching self-righteous tweets went on for a while and then this happened:

Really? REALLY???

Then:

So Halima simply said “go to bed.” Good job at taking THAT tweet over the edge. And really? Lukewarm Mass of Mediocrity? Hardly. In fact, can we get that shit trending in the Chicago area? That would be great. Also, 15 hours ago would’ve been 2 am. You SHOULD go to bed. But then again, Chester, you were writing a 9 page paper for your Humanities 260 course with Morson and Morty. The same class that you sent out this email to the entire student attendance:

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

But then you realize, this has ALL been because C. Marlon Hanks decided that writing this 9-page paper has changed his life! You know why? He’s writing a paper comparing different translations of the Cain and Abel story. THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A CLERGYMAN.

Then:

I KNOW THIS GIRL. THAT IS SARCASM YOU FUCK.

THEN THIS. THIS IS THE GOLD:

NO, YOU SOUR ASS MOTHERFUCKER. GET OUT OF MY UNIVERSITY. YOU ARE NOT A NERD, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO HASHTAG THAT. YOU ARE UP THIS LATE BECAUSE YOU ARE PROCRASTINATING. YOU ARE NOT A NERD BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WRITING THIS OF YOUR OWN VOLITION. YOU HAVE TO WRITE THIS BECAUSE IT IS A FUCKING PROMPT. AS IN YOU WERE GIVEN TWO OR THREE CHOICES AND THIS IS THE SHITSTAIN YOU PICKED. GET THE FUCK OUT CHET HAZE.

I just want everyone to know that this is a $4.95 copy of a paperback bible that Chet only had to purchase because the class required it, which means his “Pray Everyday” shit has only been going on since the beginning of Winter quarter. You’re a really big spender, aren’t you.

YOU’VE BEEN CHET HAZED!

20 People Who Accomplished More Than Me Before They Were 20

9 Nov

This cupcake symbolizes the defeat of teenage pregnancy

So this weekend I turned 20. The celebration was excellent, and the weekend was replete with friends, family, Lupe Fiasco, inexplicable football victories, a seemingly insurmountable stockpile of baked goods, and innumerable abuses of new Sherman Ave writers-to-be. But at some point during the frivolities, somewhere in between heinifying the Shakespeare Gardens and shouting Taylor Martinez-related obscenities on the El, I was struck by the realization that I had suddenly graduated from being merely a teenager into the vaunted world of the 20-something.

Now, I’d like to think that I fit into the 20-something club quite nicely. I publish self-indulgent blog posts, live in dire fear of missing a party, and am woefully unemployed. I vote Democrat and laugh at the word “clitoromegaly.” I buy records on vinyl, wear flannel, and spend an obscene proportion of my income at either BK or EV1, which suits me just fine. I fervently and irrationally believe that Steve Kerr was one of the most important guards in NBA history, and will be a drain on society in general for the next five years or so. Needless to say, I play a good deal of Sporcle and Civilization IV.

This 20-something is a Starbucks barista and staff writer for Thought Catalog

Besides being a great excuse to drink Andre and treat my friends as dutiful subjects to the Birthday Boy for a day, turning 20 is also a good milestone to size up the accomplishments and failures of my life. Even if I never played first base for the White Sox or fronted a touring rock n roll band, I’d like to think I’ve accomplished a fair deal, including roadtripping to LA and founding the most atrocious blog known to the greater Chicagoland area. But no matter what I’ve done, here are the 20 people who accomplished so much more than I could ever dream of before they were even able to legally drink in Japan.

1. Beyoncé’s Unborn Baby
That fetus was still only 5 months old when it garnered 8,868 tweets a minute at the MTV Music Video Awards. To be honest, the only time I can ever hope to gain that much recognition in social media is if Ross Packingham mentions me in one of his status updates. The progeny of Ms. Knowles and Mr. Z will almost certainly emerge from the womb with more talent, beauty, and hedge fund investments than five generations of Rees’ will be able to amass. If this kid doesn’t have a hit single by the time she’s 7, Amy Winehouse will turn over in her grave.

Jesus getting hammered, like a proper 20-something

2. Jesus
Although by the time he was 20 the God the Son incarnated hadn’t quite gotten around to teaching the word of God, performing miracles, or founding the Church, he was at least gainfully employed, which is much better than I can say for myself. You can rest assured that the Messiah was a really fucking good carpenter, as evidenced by his prominent position on Wikipedia’s “Notable Carpenters” list.

3. Harry Potter
Defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Check. Graduate school? Check. Bang a butterface ginger? Check. The kid did it all, which is even more impressive considering that he never once succumbed to the distraction of working alongside Emma Watson.

I'm going to grow up to do WHAT???

4. Michael Jackson
Despite being born in the eternal hellhole of Gary, Indiana, MJ quickly rose to prominence. At the age of eight, a time when I was mostly concerned about training my Bulbasaur and watching The Bachelor when my Mom wasn’t home, the kid was opening for stripteases with the Jackson 5. If the vocal talent wasn’t enough, he also sported the greatest afro any prepubescent boy ever possessed.

5. Koko the Gorilla
It took me nearly two years to master elementary Spanish, but this adorable ape mastered American Sign Language and English in a few short years. She also had a kitten, and apparently assaulted more women than Herman Cain, both of which prove her superiority to me.

Morty as a child

6. Morton “Morty” Owen Schapiro
The man could grow a full grown beard in first grade in the same time it took me to read a page of Good Night Moon. But for a more complete examination of his exploits in the early years of this man’s life, I suggest you reference Chloe Woodhouse’s expose on the legend himself.

7. Macaulay Culkin
This kid was uglier than what I imagine Steve Buscemi to have looked like as a child, and yet he was still fucking boss. Not only did he single-handedly defeat Joe Pesci in the highest grossing comedy of all time, he also got to live the life of the richest boy in the world as the son of the founder of Rich Industries. The icing on the cake: Mila Kunis.

She also accomplished scaring the living shit out of me as a child

8. Matilda
So smart she could develop telekinetic abilities with the unused part of her brain, she was able to defeat Miss Trunchbull and form a happy, loving family with Miss Honey all before graduating elementary school. Although I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her for the nightmares I suffered after watching the chokey scene.

9. Willow Smith
This video has over 64 million views. The most popular video I ever starred in was of me doing the “Single Ladies” dance in my senior year econ class. Either there’s something wrong with America, or I just got my ass handed to me by a 10-year-old. Or both.

He also managed to get arrested before me.

10. Bill Gates
By the end of sophomore year, the nerd had set a record for the fastest algorithm produced in his Harvard combinatorics class that stood for 30 years. Then he founded Microsoft. By the end of my sophomore year, I intend to have decided upon a concentration and get Sherman Ave to generate enough revenue to pay for beer.

11. Jane Austen
The woman had written most of Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice before she turned 20. Not that I really care about the morals, scandals, and marriages of the early 19th Century landed gentry of England, but I’d just about die if Colin Firth ever portrayed one of my characters. Just saying, he’d make a great Sir Edward Twattingworth III.

12. Peter the Great
Dude was 10 when he became Tsar. During his reign he transformed Russia from a freezing, backward, and destitute rural society into a 5,000,000-square-mile freezing, backward, and destitute society. All while suffering from epilepsy.

Despite a lack of physical presence, he still dominated in the paint.

13. Air Bud
That golden retriever probably scored more points in one season than I did in my entire rec league basketball career. Second only to Michael Jordan’s role in Space Jam for convincing kids that they were better than basketball than they actually were, the only downside of Air Bud was the experience of overwhelming disappointment when you own dog couldn’t drain a three-pointer.

14. Lindsay Lohan
Herbie: Fully Loaded aside, The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, and Mean Girls are some of the greatest acting performances I’ve seen in my lifetime. I’m pretty sure most guys my age have harbored a life-long crush on her ever since she valiantly challenged herself to a fencing match.

15. Michelangelo
Probably one of the best artists in Florence by the age of 14. No big deal.

16. Eliàn Gonzàlez
Not only did Gonzàlez cross from Cuba into American waters in an aluminum boat with a faulty motor, he also survived a sea storm while floating on nothing more than an inner tube. He also accomplished more in politics than any MTV Rock the Vote campaign ever has, quite possibly costing Al Gore the 2000 presidential election.

17. Madeline
The girl got her appendix removed and acted like it was no big deal. She also survived a fall off a bridge into the Seine River and ran away to join a group of traveling gypsies before she learned long division. That’s all there is; there isn’t any more.

18. Beethoven
Sure, as a child his father made young Ludwig stand at they keyboard until he cried. But it all worked out, right? He was seven at the time of his first public performance, and was publishing original compositions before most kids his age had mastered the art of five-paragraph essays.

Adorable

19 and 20 (tie). Eng Seng Ng and Cheng Yen Ng
Eng Seng Ng is a 19-year-old grad student at Stanford. Most people that age are busy playing National Treasure drinking games and sleeping through 11:00 am discussion sections, not completing their master’s in mechanical engineering at the top school in the country. Ng’s sister Chenny is just as amazing. The renowned master of the Hoedown Throwdown, Chenny is also an internationally-acclaimed practitioner of all things heinous, not to mention the most adorable member of Sherman Ave.

Honorable Mentions:
Adele, Kain Colter, Sasha Obama, George Harrison, LeBron James, Achilles, and Charlie Young.

Other Rules Made Before Jesus that Evanston Will Enforce

27 Jan

We’ve won! All hail the mighty Morty Schapiro for kicking ass and taking names.

We must now, as a loving community, turn our attention to other antiquated laws which may or may not (I didn’t check) still be on the books today. A New York Times article published Feb. 14, 1922 outlines dire consequences for students failing to follow strict city ordinances.

Max Witower, Justice of the Peace and Sage of Evanston, who decrees what Northwestern University boys and co-eds may not do-and what will happen if they do-today handed down a new decalogue whose ten high crimes and misdemeanors are punishable with a spanking.

Sounds serious.

The rules, designed to apply to all students and just kids, are to be enforced, in the case of masculine offenders, by Policeman Carl Exman and in the case of girls by Policewoman Georgiana Jerell. The minimum spank sentence is five and the maximum twenty-five.

While I imagine about 10 percent (this is Northwestern so make that 40 percent) of the male student population probably wouldn’t mind being forcefully punished by Mr. Hunky-Policeman Carl Exman, the rules indicate a long history of fun-killing at the hands of Evanston city officials. Which horrible offenses will make it difficult for me to sit down for the next week?

Don’t wear “sloppy” (i.e. unbuckled) goloshes.
Don’t swear in public unless 21 or over.
Don’t use cigarettes unless 21 or over.
Don’t spoon in an automobile where the public can see.
Don’t get dormitory decorations by stealing “souvenirs.”
Don’t take some one else’s auto for a joy ride.
Don’t “fly ride” (i.e. ride on running boards, radiator or tire carriers) on automobiles.
Don’t hook bobsleds or sleds on automobiles.
Don’t roller skate in the downtown district.
Don’t be a rowdy in an ice cream parlor.

I’m arguably guilty of six of these, and the city of Evanston is guilty of using “rowdy” in the form of a noun. Point being that if Evanston begins reviving disturbingly outdated and offensive laws, as they are wont to do, we could be in for serious issues.

Want to yell about blowjobs in the streets? Instead of slightly humorous e-mails from Dean of Students Burgwell Howard, you would get slightly less humorous licks of the paddle.

Want to pre-game your next trip to Coldstone Creamery? That’ll be the belt for you.

Like to steal traffic cones and use them to funnel moonshine into your mouth? Might as well cut a switch before you even think about it.

Protect your rights, Northwestern students. Protect your right to spoon wherever the hell you want to spoon. Protect your right to roller skate over little girls on their way to church. Protect your right to wear the sloppiest galoshes you own.

An unknown (honestly not doing research) man once said “Proverbs are the cream of a nation’s thought.” But what is rowdiness except the nation of an ice cream parlor’s proverb? Or something.

[NYTIMES]