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Tag Archives: Jewel

5 Things To Do Before October Ends

13 Oct

October has always been my favorite month of the year.  Maybe it’s the colors changing, maybe it’s the football season – hell, maybe it’s even the simple pleasure of using candy corn as bait to attract and subsequently kill your neighbor’s pets.  But sometimes we get so caught up in our responsibilities – school, work, animal sacrifice – that we take for granted the gifts that this beautiful month brings us.  Here are five fun-filled activities that you must accomplish before October gets all menstrual and becomes November.

This should go over real well at temple.

5.  Wear a Halloween costume to a religious service

It is quite regrettable that I have never brought myself to do this one.  This can be an excellent memory for all people involved, but only if you use the right costume.  For example, if you go to mass sporting your awesome “Cross-dressing Rush Limbaugh” costume, you might think you’re awesome, but all the Catholics will likely just mistake you for the Pope.  And we’ve ALL been in that awkward situation where everyone thinks you’re the liaison between them and God when you were really just trying to be funny and mildly offensive.

4.  Carve something inappropriate into a pumpkin

Carving pumpkins is one of the long-standing Halloween traditions, and as with all long-standing traditions, it must be regularly disgraced.  There are two ways of bringing heinous to the pumpkins – either by ruining other people’s pumpkins with crudely drawn sexual images, or by artfully crafting pornography into your own pumpkins.  Now, some of you may ask, “Does it have to be pornography?” and I will answer you the same way my estranged uncle answered my inquiries regarding his Netflix queue:  Yes, it always has to be pornography.

Alternatively, you could drop acid and DESIGN a corn maze.

3.  Drop acid in a corn maze

We’ve all seen that movie Signs starring Mel Gibson.  Actually, not all of us have seen it.  Come to think of it, I don’t think I know a single person inane enough to remove two hours from their woefully short time on this earth to watch that god awful piece of dogshit.  But the point still stands: Cornfields can be pretty fucking scary.  And if they’re scary now, just imagine how scary they are when you’ve suddenly morphed into a three-legged Pakistani sex-clown running from the omnipotent army of scrotum-hungry beasts with the body of Anna Kournikova and the head of Whoopi Goldberg.

2.  Shotgun a Pumpkin Spice latte

Okay, seriously, this is important.  Starbuck’s is so up-their-ass with their goddamn seasons that someone needs to put them in their place, and this is just the way to accomplish that.  So here’s what you do.  Walk into a Starbuck’s with a boombox blasting music from one of the aggressively sub-par CDs sold at the Starbuck’s counter – Jewel will do.  Proceed to order a venti Pumpkin Spice latte, because as long as the grande costs $6.50, you might as well spring the extra 50 cents and shell out 7 bucks for a fucking drink.  When the barista calls your name, which is presumably spelled in a way that somehow manages to use characters from a minimum of three different language families, grab your drink, punch a sizable hole in the bottom of the side, and then CHUG. THE. WHOLE. DAMN. THING.  There’s a high probability you’ll suffer second-degree burns, but it’s a small price to pay for sticking it to the man.

1.  Bang Jennifer Lawrence

Admittedly, this doesn’t necessarily pertain to the month of October, but I’m all about setting goals and deadlines.  And since you’re apparently supposed to announce your goals to your friends or some shit, here goes: I intend to do the sex at Jennifer Lawrence by the time October ends.  

OOOOOHHH MMMMYYYYY GGGGGOOOODDDDDDD

Like, seriously, what a piece of ass.  I’d sure like to show her what the 12 in District 12 really means.  I would give her everything my Cornucopia has to offer, and when all is said and done, she’ll really understand what it means to be the Girl on Fire.  Hunger Games sex jokes aside, though, Jennifer Lawrence is really hot.  And I want to make penis toward her.  

Happy October, everybody!

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Super Tuesday Predictions

6 Mar

Wolf Blitzer can't stop trimming his beard in anticipation.

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The closest thing we’ve got to a national primary. The kind of day Karl Rove and George Stephanopoulos have wet dreams about. The moment we finally find out just how ambivalent Americans feel about Mitt Romney. It’s Super Tuesday! Follow our state-by-state guide for a comprehensive examination of how these 10 states will select their 2012 Republican nominee.

OHIO
I’ll be honest. Most of my knowledge regarding the state of Ohio comes from either Bristol Bacchus or Cleveland jokes. But if this state thought that it would be a good idea to induct the Beastie Boys and Neil Diamond into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, then I’m not sure how well I can trust the judgment of its citizens. The race between Santorum and Romney might be more unpredictable than a LeBron James televised announcement, but I think Romney pulls ahead after he is quoted at a campaign stop admitting that, like LeBron, he’s working on an autobiography but just can’t come up with a title.

GEORGIA
At the time of me writing this post, the New York Times has already called Georgia in favor of Gingrich with less than 1% of the polls reporting. Which is a relief, as it saves me the time of having to come up with jokes about Sherman’s March to the Sea, Coca-Cola, peaches, or how the 76 delegates up for grabs seems like a remarkably similar figure to what I assume the ex-Congressman’s BMI looks like.

OMG guyzzz y doesnt nybody lyke me??!?

TENNESSEE
Just once I want to see Mitt down a fifth of Jack, stumble through the electric slide at a Nashville honky tonk, drunk dial Tipper Gore, and finish the night sobbing outside of Graceland. I think if he can pull all four off before the polls close, he might have a fighting chance is stealing this Southern state from Gingrich. At least as much of a fighting chance as Johnston and Beauregard had at the Battle of Shiloh.

ALASKA
After ringing endorsements from Balto and Jewel, Ron Paul carries the Alaska primary by appealing to voters’ enthusiasm for legalized weed to help get through the winter and increase appreciation for the Northern Lights. Rumors abound that Gingrich promised to “drill baby drill” Sarah Palin if he was victorious, but are dismissed by Newt as a smear campaign invented by the devious liberal media hell-bent on distracting the American people from the real issues at stake in this election.

MASSACHUSETTS
In a surprise upset, Governor Romney arrives in a time machine from 2003 to defeat the current conservative incarnation of Mitt. The 2003 Romney also extols on the virtues of comprehensive health care, the success of the invasion of Iraq, and the musical brilliance of Evanescence.

IDAHO
What’s bland, white, and favored by many Irish Catholics? The Republican Party! Also, potatoes. Seeing that Idaho has a lot of both, I predict that a bland white Republican will win the Idaho caucus. Or maybe just a really fat potato dressed in a suit that many voters mistake for Newt Gingrich.

NORTH DAKOTA
North Dakota sucks so much, it’s developed an inferiority complex towards its neighbor to the South whose main claims to fame include a palace made of corn and a brief cameo appearance in North by Northwest. The state’s main exports are natural gas, lonesome prairie wind, tumbleweed, and depression. Even the nuclear missile silos left as soon as humanly possible. Like my seventh-grade self at the middle school dance, North Dakota’s willing to devote itself entirely to the first poor soul who shows it a shred of interest. All Romney has to do is show up and call North Dakota within the next three days to seal the deal.*

Pyrotechnics would really bolster his campaign stops

OKLAHOMA
The official rock song of Oklahoma is “Do You Realize??” by The Flaming Lips, which is pretty awesome until you imagine every citizen in the state singing “Everyone you know one day will die!,” and that the closest competition to The Flaming Lips for this prestigious title was the All-American Rejects’ “Move Along.” This, along with the fact that Oklahomans couldn’t come up with anything more original for their actual state song than fucking Rodgers and Hammerstein means that this state is bound to go for Ron Paul.

VERMONT
So long as the citizens of Vermont can find enough time to vote in between their busy schedule of wearing flannel, tapping for maple syrup, and not showering, I bet they go with the pride and joy of the Northeast, Scott Brown.

VIRGINIA
Considering Rick Santorum’s penchant for desperately holding on to socially conservative values that went out of vogue in the 1960s, the former Senator’s statement that Chief Justice Warren’s ruling in Loving v. Virginia “makes me want to spew some sort of vile amalgamation of vomit, semen, feces, and bile out of every orifice possible,” provides the essential vitriol necessary to win this key swing state despite not even making it on the ballot.

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*Imagine, if you will, the charming Mitt Romney sauntering up to North Dakota, standing in the corner looking forlornly at all the cool kids being courted by swarthy Super PACs, and asking it to slow dance with him while Jessica Simpson’s “Take My Breath Away” plays in the background. I bet North Dakota would immediately take Romney home to Fargo and let him frack her all night.