Make Mississippi State Stop Injecting Baby Monkeys With Syphilis!

Mississippi State Head Coach Dan Mullen, relentlessly taunting a family of syphilis-ridden monkeys.

Okay, readers, listen up: I know that your Facebook newsfeed, Twitterfeed, and TV commercial breaks are saturated with people trying to enlist you for causes.  In fact, just yesterday someone invited me to play Farmville.  But this is something much, much more important – more important than any other cause, even battered puppies being serenaded by Sarah McLachlan.

The Mississippi State University football team is kidnapping innocent monkeys from the Amazon Rainforest and injecting them with syphilis.

For fun.

Is Mississippi State To Blame For Kennedy’s Assassination?

But seriously.

The Tragedy: On Nov. 22, 1963, American president and lustful giver of penis John F. Kennedy was assassinated while driving in a motorcade through Dallas, Texas. Kennedy’s death robbed the nation of a popular president who had successfully told the Soviet Union do the fucking-itself thing, and robbed Kennedy of more of the blowjobs from Marilyn Monroe.