Fun-Sucking Sophomore Finally Understands Significance of Jingling Keys at Football Games

It doesn’t help that 95% of these keys are for Mercedes.

EVANSTON–After falling prey to the mob mentality of the barbaric unsportsmanlike conduct of her fellow Wildcats at a year’s worth of Football games, Psychology and Sociology double-major Kelsey Andrews was appalled to finally discover why Northwestern fans jingle their keys at opposing teams.Following Northwestern’s desperate fourth quarter drive that only prolonged the inevitable bone-chilling realization of a disappointing season touchdown in yesterday’s Minnesota game, Andrews was informed that the jingling of students’ keys is meant to imply that the other school’s students would one day be valeting the cars of Northwestern graduates.

“It’s just offensive. My mom went to Iowa State and she’s a pediatrician!”

What You’re Really Doing at College

What students do in between live sex demonstrations or producing Chet Haze’s next record

College: The Pinnacle of Higher Education. Years of hard-work, civic involvement, and awkward loneliness have brought you here. This is the culmination of everything you thought you were working for when you were President of your high school’s National Honor Society, German Club, Breakdancing Club, Future Leaders of America Club, and the “Fuck I Just Want to Get Into a Really Good School Can’t You Fucking Stupid Admission Officers See That Club” (I dedicated most of my time to the F.I.J.W.G.I.R.S.C.Y.F.S.A.O.S.T.C.). And you’ve made it kid – you’re here. However, now that you’ve reached this shining beacon of knowledge, there’s one thing you don’t want to do: work. After a lifetime of pretending to care about learning, you’re just plain out of shits to give. But since you’re here, you may as well do something. Here’s what you probably spend most your time doing at college.