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Tag Archives: job

Student Who Spent Friday Night in Library Unaware That “These Are the Days”

24 Feb
The student in question, enjoying the best years of his life.

The student in question, enjoying the best years of his life.

EVANSTON, IL – Reports from Mudd Library have confirmed that the engineer hard at work this past Friday night has not yet figured out that his college years will, by default, be remembered as the highlight of his youth.  The student is reportedly oblivious to the fact that in 20 years his middle-aged self will frequently reminisce about his years in college, murmuring to himself, “Those were the days,” while he gazes wistfully out the window of his office building.

The aging senior manager will then resignedly sigh as he rests his head on his hand and recalls how he used to toss the ol’ Frisbee with “the guys” on the quad before a weekend of “hittin’ the sauce”, an activity that made up less than .001% of his college career.

Through continued monitoring of the situation, it was confirmed that Continue reading

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How to Build Your Resumé with Awkward Comments from Your Relatives

18 Dec

We’re just a few short weeks away from the beginning of internship application season, or if you’re not in school, “another week of trying to get employed” season. Writing a resumé is a surefire way to decimate your confidence as a hirable individual. Fortunately, you can ride the depressing low of the holidays and insert your relatives’ opinions of you to round out the “special abilities” section of your already tepid resumé.

“Taller”

The most commonly uttered comment by relatives. It’s safe and probably true. Now you can reach things most people can’t, or at least reach things that children can’t, like a Continue reading

What They Didn’t Teach Me In College (But I Learned Anyway)

5 Jun
I still haven't learned how to throw these properly.

I still haven’t learned how to throw these properly.

When I left for college four years ago, I (like most of you) imagined I would be immersed in an environment full of intellects on their journey to better themselves by furthering their education.

I was wrong.

I soon learned that going to college is really just a lot of procrastinating on the Internet and complaining about classes crammed between drunken weekends. And it was between two especially drunken weekends in the fall of my freshman year that I learned my first lesson: There are a lot of stupid people in this world, and many of them will be more successful than you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

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How To Announce That You’re Awesome: The Code of Conduct for self-promotion of job/internship/higher education acceptance

14 Apr
Fuck Yale.

Fuck Yale.

My mom asks me, every fortnight or so, what I’m doing next fall. Of course, she knows what I know, which is that I don’t know. She asks anyway. Everyone asks all the time if I know what I’m doing next fall. Isn’t it enough that I’m about to graduate? No. It’s never enough. Doing the college is never enough.

But everyone else seems to have something to do, and it’s that time of year when everyone is announcing to everyone else that they’re just so talented that they’ve managed to secure that job or internship that had really long odds. Like, a Midwesterner-getting-into-Yale long odds. Fuck Yale.

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What To Expect When You’re Not Expecting: A Guide to Surviving the Non-Apocalyptic World

2 Jan
And remember kids, bomb shelters can remain useful as sex dens and grow houses!

And remember kids, bomb shelters can remain useful as sex dens and grow houses!

If you’re like me, you likely spent the better part of 2012 in eager anticipation of the coming Apocalypse. You restocked the bomb shelter, EMP-proofed your electronics, and talked at length about the end of the world with other True Believers—or really anyone at all. You also tasted some bitter disappointment when, once-again, the world refused end. Even allowing for slight error on the part of the Mayans, a new year has dawned and it seems it’s here to stay. What’s worse, no new apocalyptic visions have appeared to fill the gap left by 12/21/12. So what’s the average apocalypse chaser to do now that there are no more world-ending catastrophes looming on the horizon? In this short guide, I’ll give you some tips and tricks to reintegrate yourself into human society—at least until the next apocalypse gets announced.

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