Tag Archives: John Shurna

My Five Favorite Bill Carmody Moments of the Past Three Seasons

16 Mar
Carmody, upon realizing Edzo's is closed on Mondays.

Carmody, upon realizing Edzo’s is closed on Mondays.

On a scale of 1 to fired, Bill Carmody is like a fucking 12. I just needed to get that off my chest. I mean, GODDAMN was he fucked. You know that part in the first Harry Potter book when our three heroes walk in on that crazy, three-headed dog by accident? And they look up and they’re all like, “Oh, shiiit.” That’s Carmody. Except he isn’t magic and the door just locked behind him.

As an avid Carmody supporter, I really don’t want to use this space to talk about whether he SHOULD HAVE been fired. Because like lets be real boy was going to get fired. Did you watch any part of last season? No? I mean, exactly my point.

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Knicks sign John Shurna, mistake any guard from elite academic institution for Jeremy Lin

11 Sep

John Shurna, Northwestern’s all-time leading scorer and all-time leading “almost going to the tournamenter,” has been signed by the New York Knicks. Of the National Basketball Association. The same league that has the Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers of Anaheim, and a host of other professional or semi-pro teams.

No seriously, this is a thing that has happened.

I’M ONLY GETTING STARTED, I WON’T SHURNOUT.

I wasn’t there because the Knicks refuse to give me press credentials for their top-level meetings or anything at all, but I assume the conversation that led to Shurna’s signing went like this:

Knicks GM Glen Grunwald: “So we lost Lin? Fuck.”

Knicks head coach Mike Woodson: “Yeah, he was the only reason anyone in their right mind would not despise this thoroughly detestable organization.”

Grunwald: “Well, we’ll have to replace him. Any thoughts?”

Woodson: “I mean, Lin was a phenom out of Harvard and I think that all guards from elite academic institutions are interchangeable. Let’s see who Princeton’s got.”

Grunwald: “No, they’ve been to the NCAA Tournament. I want someone from a school with a tourney-less streak like Harvard’s.”

Woodson: “Northwestern it is. Who’s that guy, Hernia?”

Grunwald: “We shall sign him at once, so long as he has delightfully high arcing shots and appears to be a 12-year-old boy.”

Again, no confirmation from the Knickerbockers that this is what happened, or that they even get my daily emails >:-(, but this is totally what happened.

The great thing here is that the Knicks have no idea what they’ve just lucked into. Not only is Shurn-daddy a natural shooter and skilled defender with a free throw percentage above 90%, but they have just signed a veritable marketing machine.

Look at this face. LOOK AT IT. Now stop looking at it before you get sad. This is the face that will launch a thousand endorsements. Move over Jeter, J-Shurn is the new face of Gillette: The Best First Razor a Pre-Pubescent Boy Can Get.  And lets not act like Johnny Boy wouldn’t make the perfect spokesman for all kinds of mocktails and non-alcoholic beers. Not to mention, there has GOT to be a way to get the Babyfaced Assassin involved in the next Bourne movie if they even make one because honestly what is that series without Matt Damon? But yeah. Anyway… Just get him on a couple of dates with Kendall Jenner and BOOM, Madison Ave will love him even more than Sherman Ave.

LOL, you forgot the part where I have God on my side.

And the fans will love him even more than the advertisers. Linsanity? Botch plz. Gimme Shurnacity any day of the week, except for Sundays which are for hot steamy hookups between Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall. Or Saturdays, which are designated for shitting gracefully upon whomever the Wildkittiez of NU happen to be playing. Probably not weekdays either for the next few weeks cause the MLB Postseason is coming up and there is NOTHING like October baseball. But at some point in the future, I’ll want Shurnacity. Maybe.

So, to the New York Knicks: No, not every lanky guard from a top school is Jeremy Lin. But that might just be a good thing. While Jeremy Lin rose to the pinnacle of the sport in a matter of hours, Shurna has proven to be a great leader when you’re losing. Ya know, to the Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers of Anaheim, and a host of other professional or semi-pro teams in the National Basketball Association.

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Awkward White Kid Shows Up On New York Knicks Bench

11 Sep

They can’t get rid of him.

Update: An explanation.

Northwestern would TOTALLY be in the Final Four right now

26 Mar

Shurna leading us to hypothetical victory.

While the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee decided that NU didn’t technically “make the Tournament” the year and wasn’t in the “first six teams out” because the team “wasn’t very good” and “lost crucial games,” we at The Ave can’t help but imagine what would have happened if our boys had made the Dance. After careful consideration, it seems obvious that this team, arguably the third best in NU history (!), would be in the Final Four right now. Here’s how it would happen:

Game 1: Northwestern over Brigham Young
For argument’s sake we’ll pretend that the ‘Cats would have been one of the last four teams selected for the tourney, and thus forced to partake in a play-in game to make the field of 64. NU probably would have taken Iona’s place as a 14 seed (Gaels? Or GIRLS, ya dig?!), so we’ll pit Northwestern against BYU in this First Four matchup.

The ‘Cats at first seemed overmatched.  BYU won 26 games this year, features the skills of Brandon Davies, and has four players who averaged 10 or more points. NU would certainly lose this game against a skilled opponent. However, NU has one option at its disposal that the Cougz can’t match: the ability to twist a calendar. Start school on September 28th? Why not! Return from Winter Break the day after New Year’s? Easy! Finish finals in the middle of fucking summer? SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. The ‘Cats easily change the tournament schedule to put this game on a Sunday. BYU, for religious reasons, does not play games on Sundays and is forced to forfeit (#MormonProblems). And just like that, NU is in the field of 64 and set for a second round matchup with Marquette!

Game 2: Northwestern over Marquette
Now I know it may seem as if Marquette is more talented than the BYU team that NU slipped by on a technicality. And it’s true! Marquette cruised through the Big East with 14 league wins and has tremendous talent in Darius Johnson-Odom and Jae Crowder. But do they call this March Monotony?* March Meh? March Mellow?! MARCH MENOPAUSE?! NO. It’s March Madness and anything can happen!

This is the time when Norfolk State figures out Mizzou doesn’t have a defense. The time when Bryce Drew can slide across the floor without ripping his skin off. The time when the transitive property should probably be considered as a rule of law and since Northwestern beat LSU and LSU beat Marquette then haha we win so go home and cry about it Marquette cause NU is going to the Round of 32 HEHEHEHE!

The Monstars were Carmody's backup choice.

Game 3: Northwestern over Murray State
This may be the ‘Cats biggest hurdle to date. NU has historically struggled against teams that are good at winning basketball games, and Murray State won 31 of them this year. NU falls behind early in this one, largely because Murray State appears to be faster, better coached, and more skilled than the ‘Cats. Northwestern had hoped to save their secret weapon for later in the tourney, but down 48-2 after just a minute and a half of play, they have no choice but to bring in Northwestern University President and Professional Crocodile Wrestler Morton Schapiro. Morty scores eleventy-seven-trillion points, blocks all of the shots, and grabs all of the rebounds before being ejected for “excessive girth.”

The ‘Cats return to their impotent ways without Morty in the lineup, but the clock works in their favor as they hold on to win eleventy-seven-trillion-plus-two to eleventy-seven-trillion-plus-one. And it’s on to the Sweet Sixteen!

Game 4: Northwestern over Florida
Florida, recognizing the danger posed by a hot Northwestern team (and we aren’t just talking about those four foot tall Nick Freundt heads), opts to bring in their own secret weapon: Tim Tebow. However, the plan goes awry with the realization that the two days Tebow has spent in New York since his trade to the Jets has completely corrupted him. Lil Timmy shows up tweaking on meth with a high-class escort on one arm and a hooker on the other**. His stunning turn to a life of sin appears to have zapped all his magic John 3:16 powers and he is completely ineffective.

The ‘Cats are similarly incompetent and the game seems destined for a 0-0 tie, until Tebow is called for a technical after he strips down nekked and runs around screaming and masturbating. John Shurna sinks the two free throws and NU takes the game. In a controversial move, Tebow is then put down by Pat Robertson. #YOLO

It got in the hole!

Game 5: Northwestern over Louisville
As the game nears tipoff, Louisville towers over Northwestern. The ‘Cats shrink in fear, awaiting a fate more painful than an Orgo midterm. Then suddenly, an idea pops into Reggie Hearn’s head; just moments before the game, he grabs a mic out of Erin Andrews’ sultry hands and announces to the world that he’s been carrying on an affair with Louisville coach Rick Pitino. Pitino, already frail from years of similar and incredibly accurate accusations, breaks down crying. He demands his whole team come give him a hug then runs away.

With no coach, Louisville struggles to stand up and breathe. Given literally hundreds of chances at an open layup, Luka Mirkovic sinks one at the buzzer for another 2-0 victory. With his bucket, the ‘Cats are into the Final Four!

I know you may be wondering what would happen to NU in the Final Four, but Sherman Ave deals exclusively with the facts and those games simply have not been played yet in the parallel universe I’ve described. To try to predict them would be absurd to say the least. Let’s try to stay grounded here, k? Great. Now go watch all the porn you can before President Santorum takes it all for himself.

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*Hat tip to that weird Greg Anthony commercial for something that I don’t remember
**For those of you who don’t follow New York politics: A high-class escort is a prostitute for rich and important people, while a hooker is a prostitute for the rest of us. Since Tebow is apparently rich and important it makes sense he has an escort, but since he isn’t actually much better at football than the rest of us I think he was required by law to get a hooker too. Damn Obamacare.

Shurned Out: Riding the Bubble at Northwestern

23 Feb

Apparently he didn’t appreciate the five-foot pictures of his face in the crowd.

Last Saturday, John Shurna broke Northwestern’s career scoring record, surpassing Billy McKinny‘s 1,900 career points with a three-pointer against Minnesota. Last weekend I set a career personal high score of 18,310 points in BrickBreaker, but nobody made much of a fuss about it.* Or even a t-shirt.

As Northwestern basketball fans are starting to realize, life on the bubble of the NCAA tournament is a lot like what I’m assuming drunk sex with your pledge wife would be like: you hold your breath and hope that everything magically falls into place to bring about a wondrous sensation you’ve never felt before, but you’re really just waiting for something to go horribly awry and inevitably ruin everything you hold dear. There will probably be a lot of crying in the end no matter what.

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