5 Tips for Suburban Kids Pretending to be from Chicago

As someone who was born and raised in Chicago (what up?!), it boils my blood that kids from the near suburbs claim that they are “from Chicago.” Just own up to the fact you are from Berwyn or Joliet or wherever, so I don’t have to rot your soul with my dirty looks. However, in the spirit of camaraderie I apparently have to feel toward other freshmen, I must look past these things, so I want to give you kids from the near suburbs (Sorry, Bourbonnais, you’re too far to make the cut) some tips on pretending to be from Chicago proper.

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MIT student: “Northwestern Hot” is Really, Really Hot

Anderson, immediately prior to engaging Sullivan in a conversation on the development of integral calculus.

EVANSTON — An MIT student visiting his high school friend here in Evanston has noted that “Northwestern hot is really, really hot.”

Tony Anderson, a native of Joliet, Illinois studying engineering at MIT, spent most of his night attempting to score with lines such as, “Quaecumque sunt very very horny,” and “I’ll show you my Willie the Wildcat if you show me your Tim the Beaver.”

“He was kind of cute,” said eyewitness and potential love interest Jennie Sullivan. “He knew all the Korean lyrics to Gangnam style as well as the ‘Eyyy sexy laday,’ which was pretty cool. I just wish he’d broken eye contact. It was like the opposite of walking down Sheridan.”

Boyfriend’s Upcoming Mix Tape to Reveal “Darker, Sensitive” Side

A cassette, intended for just such mixtapes, but utterly useless since Brennan was seven.

JOLIET — Matt Brennan has announced details for the release of his second mix tape for Stefanie Kirkpatrick, Brennan’s girlfriend of seven months. According to sources close to Brennan’s decision-making process, the new mix CD will feature approximately 19 songs carefully culled from Brennan’s iTunes collection to exhibit a “darker and more sensitive side” of the local analytics manager to Kirkpatrick.

The mix tape, self-produced by Brennan and complete with album art of an original collage of photographs of the couple and detailed liner notes, is tentatively titled Mix for Stefanie #2 and set for release next month. According to Brennan, the mix tape will be available for a limited time only on compact disc, or flash drive “if, you know, that would make Stefanie’s life easier.”