Santorum Quits GOP Race, Presumably to Sew Sleeves on to his Sweater Vests

"What is this 'science' of which you speak?"

Rick Santorum, a Republican “candidate” for “president” announced today that he’s suspending his campaign and effectively dropping out. This comes just weeks before a do-or-die primary in his home state of Pennsylvania. Trailing in the polls in the Keystone State (not the fun kind of Keystone, sadface) and increasingly concerned that Mitt Romney’s robot clones had found his location, it was time for Santy to call it quits. Yes, despite the support of these nine intellectual heavyweights, R-Seezy is leaving the race, and will now find himself with a vast quantity of free time. What will Lil’ Ricky do with it? Here’s his to-do for the rest of his life, probably:

Sew sleeves onto this sweater vests

SantoRUM became famous during the campaign for wearing sweater vests, the article of clothing that’s perfect for people with cold torsos and sweaty forearms. Although these sweater vests almost definitely single-handedly won him the Iowa caucuses, you can’t wear clothes like that in the real world without being punched in the esophagus. ‘Slike, other people can see you bro. Where are your sleeves? Did you forget them at the stupid store where you bought that sweater? HAHA! So yeah, he’s gonna need to sew those sleeves back on.

This timeless battle of evil vs. evil will probably be made into a James Cameron movie by 2015.

Not judge gay people

Despite his statements comparing man-on-man sex (or as it’s more commonly known, “sex”) to man-on-dog sex, Sant-O-Rama loves to declare that he does not judge gay people. He insists he doesn’t hold their sinny sinny sins against them, he just likens them to bestiality. Like a rational human being. Presumably, he’ll set time aside each day to bring gay people to his house and inform them he does not judge them for all their value-ruining immoralnessocity. He’ll probably just let them know pre-DUI Amanda Bynes style that there’s a higher power that will judge them for their indecency.

Hunt down and mortally wound the Devil

Have you heard the news?! Earlier in the campaign, R!ck let us all know that the devil is here! He’s in the America! He’s coming for us and our children and Pippa! We must stand guard with constant vigilance or Lucifer himself will come enroll our children in public schools! But fear not, good people; Richard Q. Santorum is here to find and repeatedly stab Satan until he bleeds to death. Thank God there is no longer a presidential campaign to get in the way of this important work.

Throw a wish in the well

THIS IS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s a chance, however small, that Mittens Romney will call Santorum maybe and ask him to be his vice president. With that in mind, Rick will be spending a significant chunk of the day throwing a wish in the well, but don’t ask him – he’ll never tell! What he doesn’t know, of course, is that if he reenacts too much of Carly Rae’s masterpiece, the guy at the end will be gay. In which case he’ll have time to not judge him! It’s like killing two birds with one stone, except without the violent murder of a living creature.

Re-enact the Hunger Games with the other GOP dropouts

Okay, if Rantorum can’t get this done, can someone else? Please? Literally, just imagine Michele Bachmann unleashing a hive of Tracker Jackers on Herman Cain as he binge eats pizza while Newt Gingrich smothers Rick Perry with his belly. Plus, there’s literally no way Jon Hunstman doesn’t win this one. Have you SEEN Huntsman with a bow and arrow? Yeah, me neither. But his name is HUNTsman so he’s totally at Katniss levels. THE BORING MODERATE ON FIIIIIIIIIRE!

Care for his ailing daughter

It appears that this, the most heinous of men, may have a completely unheinous and sympathetic reason for dropping out. The Ave sends nothing but the best of wishes, prayers, good vibes, karma, Avicii, pixie dust and Katy Perry to Bella and for a full recovery and long, happy life.

5 Reasons Why Today Sucks

I WILL DEEP-FRY YOUR FAMILY, BITCH.

Let me tell you something:  I am all about optimism.  But when the world is a horrible, horrible place in which morals are deteriorating, the environment gets buttsexed harder and harder each day, and Paula Deen has only been assaulted with a ham one time, you have to be reasonable before you’re optimistic.  And to speak from the perspective of reason: Wednesday, January 18, 2012, is going to be the Herbert Hoover of days.  Here’s why.

Reason #5:  It’s a Wednesday

My grandfather used to tell me that the only thing worse than a Wednesday was an overpriced Cambodian prostitute.  I’ve lived by this my whole life, and upon further research, have realized that he was completely right; such tragic historical events as the Great Depression, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Holocaust all happened on Wednesdays.  Despite the fact that this current week is only four days (thanks to Martin Luther King Jr., a fierce and relentless advocate of the 4-day week) (….…that’s what he was best known for, right?), I just intuitively know that Wednesday is going to be a massive pelvic thrust into the back of my skull.

This guy would be getting all up in dat ass if it weren't for a severe case of genital hibernation.

Reason #4:  It’s fucking cold

Chicago’s frigid temperatures are like a straight dropkick to the testicles – painful over a long period of time, difficult to recover from, and prone to occur on Valentine’s Day.  There is nothing favorable about the body’s reaction – whether we’re talking about solidified nostrils, hands frozen numb, or testicles that have receded so far into your body that your nether regions are now just a flat wasteland of lonely anguish, there is no good that comes from these subzero temperatures.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the wind will readily rush at you like a recruiter from a new fraternity on campus.

Reason #3:  Wikipedia is blacked out

According to  

I learned the other day that

Studies have shown

I was doing research and apparently

Tits.

If Wikipedia's blackouts are anything like Sherman Ave's, they'll be belting Adele really loudly right now.

Reason #2:  WIKIPEDIA IS BLACKED OUT

OH GOD WHYYYY I CAN’T DO THIS I AM LITERALLY NOTHING WITHOUT WIKIPEDIA I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE HISTORY OF FRITO’S AND NOW I CAN’T AND OHHH GODDDDDD IT’S STILL WEDNESDAY IS IT DONE BEING WEDNESDAY YET SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME oh what’s that?  Reddit is blacked out too?  Oh, that’s fine.

Reason #1:  Mitt Romney Hasn’t Been Banished From America Yet

I’ve been waiting for a while and it hasn’t happened yet.  It has become quite clear that the man does not possess a single positive quality, but somehow he’s still beating out guys with notable positive qualities (Ron Paul’s adorable voice, Herman Cain’s extensive knowledge of Pokemon quotes, Jon Huntsman appalling ability to be a GOP presidential candidate who isn’t a raging fuckhead).  Surely it can’t be that hard to get rid of this doucheopotamous.  Can’t we just tell him that he won the lottery and gets to go to The Island?

5 Reasons Why We Hate the Republican Primaries

An even larger collection of pricks than the one on display each morning at Norbucks

There’s no two ways about it: the Republican Primaries suck. Every time I see coverage of the primaries on television, I’m blinded by a white rage brighter than, well, the skin of the Republican candidates. If you share this anger and don’t know why, allow me to try to explain some possible reasons for your fury:

5. The Jokes
Want to know what’s not funny? Republicans. Want to know what’s worse than not funny Republicans? Not funny Republicans making stupid jokes. I swear, every time one of them gets on a roll, they decide it’s time for their own little one man show. It might be some little quip like, “I haven’t seen numbers that low since statistics on Romney’s job creation as governor.” Or it may be some drawn out criticism of how big-headed Newt Gingrich is while the candidate resists the urge to just call him a fat fuck. We all know the only thing the Republican candidates find funny is discrimination and poverty, so why don’t they just stop with the jokes and spend a few more seconds shutting the fuck up?

There goes your chances of reenacting "My Date With the President's Daughter"

4. Jon Huntsman Doesn’t Stand a Chance
Honestly, there is no such thing as a good Republican candidate for president right now, but Jon Huntsman is the closest thing to it this year — and he’s just getting shit on. I get it: Republicans decided, in a nation trying to progress in policies and beliefs, to select the dumbest, most backwards-thinking assholes they could to run for president this year. But really? I mean, really??? The one guy who isn’t a complete fuck-up is just getting destroyed out there while being mercilessly driven to the right. And have you even seen his daughters?

3. Rick Perry is Still Speaking
What the fuck? I understand free speech is an important value in America, but can someone please just make this guy disappear or something? I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I think it would be a really cool idea if people who are just intolerant wastes of space and air didn’t get to speak to a nationally-televised audience. Maybe I’m wrong… No. I’m not. I’m not sure of many things, but I am sure Rick Perry is not fit to speak about becoming president of the United States unless we’ve gone back in time to the 1800’s.

Gingrich is one of the few men who are probably even worse than Tebow at throwing a football 20 yards

2. We’re Forced to Hear about States That Don’t Mean Anything
Let’s be real honest here, since when does anyone give a fuck about Iowa or New Hampshire? Last time I heard, never. Even the people who live in those states realize they don’t mean anything to anyone anywhere. So why are a bunch of taint-stains on Fox News acting like I should care about those insignificant little places? The only thing that matters less than those states is the Republican Primaries, so why do I have to endure hours of those two things being combined? Next someone’s going to tell me I should care about football teams not controlled by God. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I don’t give a shit if the 49er’s do have a great run defense, until Jesus shows up on the field in the form of a stiff arm allowing an 80 yard touchdown in OT, I just don’t care. In fact, I might actually care about the Republican primaries if there was a little more Tebow. But there isn’t, so I don’t.

1.  It’s Just Wasting Time that Could Be Spent Listening to Obama’s Plans for His Second Term
There’s no way in Hell any Republican could win in the general election, so why waste time listening to a bunch of old, white assholes harp about the plight of the struggling upper-class business owner? How about we just tell Obama he won the election, allow him to transform this country for the better, and enjoy our lives? Maybe if we spent more time allowing people with good ideas to help the country and less time dicking around discussing which rich white guy is more unfit to run the country, we might, I don’t know, do something good for the first time in a long ass time. It’s just an idea.

What the People Want

Looks like the Republican Presidential Primary might get a little more interesting. No, Ronald Reagan did not recently rise from the dead. And, unfortunately, rumors that front-runner Mitt Romney is preparing to battle Jon Huntsman in The Thunderdome have been proven woefully false. But during a speech in Charleston, S.C., Candidate Michele Bachmann made a stunning announcement that is sure to rock the American political world. According to Michele Bachmann,

“They want to see two girls come together and have a mud wrestling fight,” the Minnesota congresswoman said. “And I’m… going to give it to ‘em.”

[editor’s note: some content removed from quotation to help facilitate the fantasies of 13-year-old pundits everywhere]

We can only begin to fathom how amazing such a battle royale would be. In fact, our crack team of graphic designers have been hard at work trying to give our readers an accurate depiction of what said mud wrestling would look like, and have produced a preliminary sketch to whet one’s appetite. Our prediction? The melee turns ugly when The Alaska Disasta’ accuses The North Star of lacking proper political experience, and ends in a draw to allow both politicians enough time to prepare their next prodigiously absurd comment for the press.

Man, this tea party sure did escalate quickly...

[POLITICO]