Reality vs Expectations: the College Classroom Edition

Look at me I’m so disdained. Fuq u, school. When will Summer cum. I mean come. [via dvdactive.com]

Either I’m really bad at taking notes or these exams are vastly more complicated than what we’re taught in lecture.

Statistics
Lecture: 1+2 =3
Exam: Solve for cancer

Art
Lecture: Humans have created wondrous art throughout the ages
Exam: How does this ceramic vagina make you feel?

Econ
Lecture: Mark Witte talks about guns and butter
Exam:

Journalism Student Writes Article Defending Millennials While Vigorously Masturbating

Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

EVANSTON, Ill. – While penning an opinion piece about why the generation of Americans aged 18-30 is in fact one of the hardest-working and most intelligent generations this country has ever seen, Northwestern student Timothy DeVaine (Medill, ’15) could not help but start tugging on his penis in a furious and fast-paced motion until he successfully reached orgasm.

Sources confirmed that DeVaine was not initially that excited as he typed the first paragraph of the piece on his Macbook Air, gifted to him by his parents in honor of his 3.4 cumulative GPA last year, a paragraph which read, “They’re self-absorbed.  They expect a reward for every little thing they do. 

The Daily Terror of a Medilldo in 301

9:00 Wake up. Think to yourself, why didn’t I try to be a doctor instead.

9:45 Leave for the Davis Street Station. Glare at happy-looking people.

9:58 Arrive at the El. The smell of cat pee is now associated with broken dreams.

10:15 After train stalls for three four five minutes, arrive at Howard

The Twelve Worst Things People Say to Northwestern Students

1. “What’s it like going to school in Boston?”
It’s Northwestern, not that other school in Boston. You know, “Chicago’s Big Ten Team?”

2. “How many times have you been to the NCAA tournament?”
Who’s really counting these days (#me #shame #depression)? Anyway, Chris Collins is going to take us to the Promised Land within the next two years, and there’s like a million other sports in which we’re bomb-ass.

3. “Son, your mother and I are getting a divorce.”
Seriously? Have you seen our ACT scores?

The Pursuit of a Nook: One Freshman’s Attempt to Study in the Library

I did not leave Allison yesterday. I suppose this happens to the best of us. Saturday night’s debauchery and barefooted BK run left me with a slight headache and a load of academic responsibility for Sunday. Most of the time was spent in my room reading Shakespeare, and researching the Kanye West v. Jimmy Kimmel feud (#NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK).

I was essentially a troll, with my dark room representing the underside of a bridge. I didn’t even take advantage of free food in downtown Evanston because I didn’t want to put socks on.

Everyone knows Brutalist architecture inspires learning.

Today is a new day. I am wearing real person clothes, I am financially obligated to go to other buildings for classes, and I decided to explore the library in the hopes of getting some shit done. The shit being, but not limited to 1) finding a study area I can call my own 2) beginning a journalism paper and 3) wasting time before dinner and the inescapable gravity of the Allison dining hall.

Luckily, one of those would be accomplished as long as I didn’t choke on my own insignificance and die. And so I walked into the library with a friend, and the following journey began:

The Daily Northwestern’s First Online Posts Will Make You LOL

The Daily Northwestern is known as the primary news source of the student population of Chicago’s Big Ten Team. For every fucksaw, race forum and football game lost in the last minutes of the fourth quarter, the Daily Northwestern time and time again is the first one of the first sites visited by truth-thirsty college students. Thanks to a tip from the Infinite Guest, we have some awesome throwback articles from when the Daily first got online.

APPLY OR DIE (a friendly reminder from the good folks at Sherman Ave)

It’s no secret that there are some pretty great perks to being a Sherman Ave writer. Here are 25 of them. Apply here.

Want to know what we Googled to find this picture? Apply and find out!

1. Free Chipotle every third Wednesday of the month

2. Autographed picture of Steve Buscemi to hang on your wall

3. Custom voicemail message recorded by

The Twatties: The Best of the Worst of Twitter in 2012

Well, 2012 is drawing to a close, which can only mean one thing: it’s year-end recap season!  If you are at all well-versed in the world of journalism (and if so why in the name of all that is holy are you reading this), you are currently being inundated with best-of and worst-of lists to summarize a year that you just lived through and remember perfectly well.  It’s all very trivial, so in keeping with that spirit, my end-of-year recap will focus on that all-consuming swamp of triviality, Twitter!

Now, there are some truly remarkable Tweeters who deserve the ultimate #FF, from Rob Delaney to Megan Amram to Ezra Klein to Ryan Kearney, but expounding on my praise of them wouldn’t be very fun or snarky, would it?  So instead, I give you the first annual Twattie Awards, honoring the most heinous, vile, or unintentionally hilarious individuals of the Twitterverse!  And the winners are:

Translating Northwestern Listserv and Group Posts

Oh thank God, 20 more messages about the vomit in the bathroom!

If you go to Northwestern University, you are undoubtedly subscribed to a number of listservs and are identified as a member of many Northwestern-themed groups. Every day, you’re flooded with numerous emails and posts that you don’t give a second thought about. However, the majority of the posts do not mean what they appear to say. Since we at Sherman Ave are very concerned about maintaining an informed student body, we’ve compiled a guide to the most frequent listserv and group posts you’ll encounter at Northwestern.

Lost Items

Sample Post: “Hey guys, I lost my wallet and wildcard somewhere in the frat quad last night. I’m not sure where I dropped them, but I think I lost them somewhere around there. If anyone finds them, please let me know. Thx!”

Meaning: “I lost my self-respect and dignity somewhere in the Beta House last night. However, since my possessions are probably damaged beyond repair, I guess I’d be able to settle for being able to pay for meals to make up for all the food I ‘lost’ on the steps of Bobb.”

Interviews

Sample Post: “Hey, I’m a Journalism Major and I’m looking to interview someone who does [insert interest here] or has [insert problem here] for my enterprise story. If someone does [insert interest here] or has [insert problem here], please contact me. Thanks for the help guys!”

Meaning: “I really don’t have many friends because I spend most of my time learning grammar and worrying about Medill. I’m really excited to talk to anyone about anything. I don’t have great communication skills so scripted conversations are the only ways I can talk to anyone. Someone please talk to me…Please….PLEASE!!!!”

Selling Things

Sample Post: “I’m selling all of my books from Macro, Chem, and EDC last quarter. Contact me if interested. I’m very flexible on price.”

Meaning: “I’m dropping my real major for sociology. Last quarter was hell and I can’t stand to have these fucking books staring me in the face every time I get back “The Family and Society.” Will somebody please take them away? Maybe for a dollar? 50 cents? JUST FUCKING TAKE THEM!!!!!”

Funny Posts

Sample Post: “I came to Northwestern for the sports teams. We’re, like, SOOOOO GOOD at football lol.”

Meaning: “I’m not very good at coming up with funny things normally, but when I think of something, I need to share it with everyone I can. You should totes like my post and validate my self-worth.”

Ross Packingham replenishes his beer fund by scalping CSO tickets

Extra Tickets

Sample Post: “Me and a friend bought 5 tickets to [insert event here], but the other people can’t go. If you’re interested in coming, please message me asap. Thanks!!!”

Meaning: “My one friend and I bought extra tickets to [insert event here] because we really aren’t good at making friends, but we figured nobody could resists free stuff, so someone would have to be our friends. We thought about just paying people to be our friends, but we thought that was going too far. But yeah, everyone should TOTALLY come and be our friends!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ xoxo”

Hopefully this guide has helped you to understand the inner-workings of the minds of your fellow students.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Academics

So apparently, Northwestern University is a pretty damn good school. But what should you do after you get in? Here at Sherman Ave, we have been painstakingly researching the answers to all the questions incoming freshman were always too afraid to ask, as well as the questions that we totally wished we had thought of before entering this bastion of academic integrity. Our first topic? How to navigate Northwestern’s sea of academic options to engineer the greatest education possible.