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Tag Archives: Julius Caesar

5 B-Grade Historical Movies We Can Only Hope Will Be Made

4 Apr

Say "Apartheid" again. SAY "APARTHEID" AGAIN!

5. “A Long Walk to Freedom,” starring Samuel L. Jackson as Nelson Mandela
While Nelson Mandela’s story is known quite well throughout the United States, there are parts of his life that are still shrouded in mystery. This cinematic biography sheds light upon the complete legend of Mandela, from his dabbling in the Jedi arts as a youth (the guy had a lot of fucking midichlorians) to his acting roles in Quentin Tarantino films. During his 27-year prison sentence, he became notorious for being a mediator and peacekeeper; in one memorable instance, he interrupted some good old-fashioned prison shower rape by viciously fending off the perpetrator, asking “Does he look like your bitch?!” The film also delves deep into Mandela’s political activity after his release from prison. In arguably the most poignant scene of the movie, Mandela – in his first speech to the public after his release from prison – proclaims: “I’m tired of this mothafuckin’ Apartheid in my mothafuckin’ country.” Supposedly, Samuel L. Jackson repeatedly tried to add gratuitously violent fight scenes into the film, but was forced to settle for an allotment of twelve “mothafuckas” to add anywhere in the script.

Louis XVI feels the internal repercussions of drinking so much "tiger blood."

4. “Liberty, Fraternity, and Raunchiness,” starring Charlie Sheen as Louis XVI and Sarah Silverman as Marie Antoinette
Adequately described as a combination of Les Miserables, A Tale of Two Cities, and American Pie, this film is the only one to have ever gotten Ebert and Roeper’s worst rating, “Two thumbs up my ass.” As the working class of Paris begins to revolt against the monarchy, Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette respond as any concerned leaders would: by making dick jokes. In fact, as indicated in one of the opening scenes, the phrase “Let them eat cake” was actually a reference to a secondary meaning of cake in the aristocracy, which was “Louis XVI’s wrinkled scrotum.” So Marie Antoinette suggested the poor masses address their severe hunger by eating Louis XVI’s wrinkled scrotum. Most critics agree that the most heinous scene of the movie is either the one where Louis XVI uses the guillotine to circumcise his nephew or the one where Louis XVI does lines of coke off of a rotting peasant carcass. Rumor has it that the director of the movie, Judd Apatow, has already started filming a sequel, featuring Jim Gaffigan as Maximilien Robespierre and Rosie O’Donnell as Napoleon Bonaparte.

I came, I saw, I failed to convince anyone that I'm a credible actor

3. “The Roman Empire: Abridged,” starring Keanu Reeves as Julius Caesar
Predictably failing to accurately portray the manifest heinousness of Caesar, Reeves captivates audiences who happen to be blind and deaf. He effectively delivers his lines with the voice inflection of a 14-year-old skateboarding protégée after taking LSD, and that is quite evident in lines like “Whoa – the Rubicon!” and “It’s, like, the Gallic Wars.” Of course, Caesar’s political strategy doesn’t go over especially well with Brutus (played by Vin Diesel), who had just finished snowboarding down the Matterhorn. In an especially uninspired scene, Brutus knifes Caesar, as the latter famously whispers, “Et tu, bald man who looks like a serial rapist?” The Augustan Era is only very quickly reviewed, with a few memorable lines from the famous emperor Augustus, who – in a rather questionable casting choice – was played by Mike Tyson. After the reign of Augustus, the movie quickly becomes depressing, as we see the rule of Tiberius, Caligula, and Nero, all of whom are played by Nicolas Cage.

Cera, shortly after mispronouncing "clitoris"

2. “A History of Impotence,” starring Michael Cera as several historical figures
This cinematic masterpiece takes us back to the beginning of time, telling the story of the development of the human race through various case studies of sexual ineptitude, with every impotent character portrayed by semi-adolescent boyman Michael Cera. The film opens with a depiction of the Cro-Magnon man first exhibiting a distinct lack of sexual prowess, resulting in a series of unsettlingly detailed cave drawings. The movie proceeds to travel through history, beginning with impotent men such as Nebbuchadnezzar (turns out his obscenely lengthy name was merely overcompensation for his obscenely short dingalong) and Emperor Constantine, lovingly referred to by his subjects as “The 3-Minute Wonder.” Moving on to the Renaissance, we gain some insight into Leonardo da Vinci’s personal life; his famous “Mona Lisa” aimed to portray the woman in the most hideous way possible, as revenge for her publicizing his lifelong problem of chronic premature ejaculation. After exposing a few more renowned impotent historical figures in early modern and modern history (think Lewis AND Clark), the movie ends with an earthshaking reveal about Ronald and Nancy Reagan’s honeymoon.

Sadly, Joseph Kony's fashionable sweater was made by - you guessed it - children.

1. “The Axis of Evil,” starring Jackie Chan as Kim Jong-Il and Ryan Gosling as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Based on the best-selling novel by Nicholas Sparks, this film depicts the backstory behind the romantic relationship between these two world leaders. The star-crossed dictators first met in the most fateful of ways: rolling on ecstasy at a Skrillex concert. After an ephemeral but sticky affirmation of their love for each other and authoritarian rule, they make a pact to build an “Axis of Evil.” Kim Jong-Il establishes his rule in North Korea through a masterful implementation of his ancient martial arts skills, while Ahmedinejad seduces dozens of Iranian politicians (all of whom are women, of course, because there are definitely no homosexuals in Iran, and lots of women hold political office) in order to work his way up to the presidency. After separately attaining their positions of power, they embark on an astonishingly homoerotic adventure to find a third party to complete their political threesome, encountering prominent figures like Vladimir Putin (played by Tom Felton), Hugo Chavez (played by Antonio Banderas), and Joseph Kony (played by Bill Cosby).

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Famous Moments in Hook Up History

6 Jul

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two consenting parties to get their mutual rocks off, mankind has resorted time and time again to the perennial spectacle of the “Hook Up” in order to satisfy its carnal needs. From casual make-out sessions to all-out boot knocking, humans have been engaged in the barter of sexual favors pretty much ever since we evolved to develop the capacity for euphemisms, and at an increasingly rapid pace since the invention of alcohol, Cosmo, and the internet. But despite the interminable nature of this miraculous form of erotic consortium, there are some moments in hook up lore that truly stand above and beyond the rest of the fray. These aren’t just your run-of-the-mill regrettable one-night stands, but rather moments of extraordinary courage and fervor, where the libido of two humans changed the course of human history forever.

The evolutionary process enables humans to complete the walk of shame faster than any other mammal

48,000 BC: Caveman and Cavewoman
Historians have concluded that the first hook up in the history of man occurred approximately 20 minutes after Homo sapiens reached full behavioral modernity. The inaugural event, commemorated on cave walls and cave chat rooms everywhere, is rumored to have taken place at the annual Festival of the Woolly Mammoth, when a noticeably intoxicated caveman of the local Sig Ep tribe managed to seduce a female, forget her name at least three different times, and engage in a brief and thoroughly mediocre tryst with her. The next morning, the proud male reportedly never even considered hunting breakfast for her the next morning, and neglected to send smoke signals her way after a three-day waiting period. During their next encounter at a cave party in Lascoux, France, the two cordially greeted each other, but then quickly separated to avoid the shame and awkwardness that was to forever plague the human race.

Alright, my roommate's gone for the next 30 minutes. Let's see how fertile the Nile Delta really is.

41 BC: Cleopatra and Mark Antony
The inventor of the “power trip,” Cleopatra was never quite satisfied ruling over one of the greatest civilizations in the world or bearing Julius Caesar’s child. Instead, she cooped up in her love den with Marcus Antonius (the most tantalizing triumvir in all the Roman Empire) in what became one of the most geo-politically significant coitions of all time. Using highly sensitive facial recognition technology, archaeologists have determined that Cleopatra was approximately 56,000 times hotter than a combination between Brooklyn Decker and Pippa Middleton, which goes a long way to explaining why Antony preferred to get his freaky on in Alexandria than return to Rome and his wife Octavia. Pascal once that “Cleopatra’s nose, had it been shorter, the whole face of the world would have been changed,” which means that, had Cleopatra been less of a slampiece or Antony less of a gallant philanderer, Octavian might never have risen to power as Augustus, and the world never would have inherited such valuable cultural contributions from the Roman Empire as corrupt politicians, togas, and lax sexual mores.

"If I were casting for a modern film interpretation of our romance, I'd totally get Claire Danes to play you."

1591 AD: Romeo and Juliet
In a now classic move, two adolescents met each other for the first time at a lame party and fell instantly, nay noxiously, in love with the first person to ever requite their affection. This hook up practically wrote the template for horny teenagers using make-out sessions to rebel against their family, and imbued western society with a healthy dose of suspicion towards drug-dealing Friars that hang out with 15 year old girls. That, combined with the fact that any male who can recite the balcony scene is instantly guaranteed to get some at any time he so desires, makes Romeo and Juliet’s horrifically saccharine relationship qualify for a position amongst the masters of the art of the hook up.

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1788 AD: Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings
Jefferson’s 38-year relationship with his slave Hemings that produced 6 children born into slavery was not just one of numerous blights on American Presidential history and convoluted racial past, but also a testament to three of the most important aspects of most hook ups: lying, hypocrisy, and shame. It took major cojones to write that all men are created equal and born with unalienable rights, and then to turn around and use those cojones to knock up a slave. Like most other men, Jefferson never divulged the truth about his affair, and the shame of his duplicity still hangs over the nation even worse than the memory of that one time with those two theater majors and a bottle of rum.

You have no idea what's hidden beneath those robes.

1928 AD: Harry Blackmun and Tiffani Brooking
During Justice Blackmun’s junior year at Harvard, the Lambda Chi brother experienced a regrettable one-night stand with his Con Law study partner. The episode turned far more distressing, however, during the ensuing pregnancy scare. It is said that the tense period when Blackmun wondered if he would become a father at the age of 20 greatly affected the future Supreme Court Justice, eventually playing the deciding role in his authoring of the Court’s Roe v. Wade decision. The American hook up scene would be a much different world without Blackmun’s passionate advocacy of abortion rights, earning this jowly Minnesotan the distinction of having partaken in one of the most important hook ups in all hook up history.