Journalism Student Writes Article Defending Millennials While Vigorously Masturbating

Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

EVANSTON, Ill. – While penning an opinion piece about why the generation of Americans aged 18-30 is in fact one of the hardest-working and most intelligent generations this country has ever seen, Northwestern student Timothy DeVaine (Medill, ’15) could not help but start tugging on his penis in a furious and fast-paced motion until he successfully reached orgasm.

Sources confirmed that DeVaine was not initially that excited as he typed the first paragraph of the piece on his Macbook Air, gifted to him by his parents in honor of his 3.4 cumulative GPA last year, a paragraph which read, “They’re self-absorbed.  They expect a reward for every little thing they do. 

“Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels,” Reports Woman Who Eats Only Kale

SAN FRANCISCO — Local yoga instructor Carrie Kent was overheard today telling a friend that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” despite her not having eaten anything other than basically just kale in well over three years.

“People always say it’s hard to diet because they love food so much,” said Kent. “It’s just never made that much sense to me.  I love eating as much as the next person, but when I think about how much I want to look and feel good, it’s not hard for me to turn down the super flavorful and totally satisfying vegetables which have somehow comprised my entire diet for the last few years.”