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Tag Archives: Kardashian

Obama to commemorate JFK by sleeping with Kim Kardashian

21 Nov
via celebuzz.com

via celebuzz.com

WASHINGTON– President Obama announced in a nationally televised address Thursday that he will commemorate the legacy of the late President John F. Kennedy, who was shot and killed 50 years ago in Dallas, by having regular sexual intercourse with Kim Kardashian.

“We have a solemn duty as Americans to remember President Kennedy’s legacy each and every day,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “To live as he lived. To do as he did. To contract STI’s as he contracted STI’s.”

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“UUUUUUGGGGHHH” Reports Nation After Discovering the Name of Kanye and Kim Kardashian’s New Baby

21 Jun
Baby's first movie deal.

Baby’s first movie deal.

LOS ANGELES – Upon hearing the news that the first name of Kanye West’s new born daughter is “North” – as in “Hello, class. Everyone say hi to North West and feel free to make fun of her until she has crippling emotional damage” – the world’s population let out a simultaneous groan, followed by Continue reading

Mayfest Goes After DildoDayShits.com

30 Apr

EVANSTON– The Mayfest executive board announced Tuesday night that the organization will go all out in an attempt to take down the unofficial DildoDayShits.com website.

"Stop buying dildos." - Mayfest

“Stop buying dildos.” – Mayfest

“We will share their link, tell our friends about it and post on every social media platform if we have to,” Mayfest President Sam Lowell said. “I’m serious, we will literally make sure that every student at this school has heard of DildoDayShits.com.”

The move comes as Mayfest, which puts on Dillo Day, Northwestern’s annual celebration of poor decisions and disregarding ENU’s, battles a number of other unofficial Dillo websites, including D-Day.com, DillonPanthers.com and DillPickles.com.

“Let me be clear,” added Lowell. “Dillo Day is a drunken bacchanalia featuring washed up musical acts, not a lurid sex act featuring imitation genitalia. This website, featuring a Kardashian sister, IS NOT LEGITIMATE. By no means should students who have any desire to avoid prurient material visit the website.”

DildoDayShits.com said in a statement that “Mayfest can go shove it up their ass… after they purchase it on DildoDayShits.com!”

Evander Jones contributed to the reporting of this Sharticle.

Happy Chick-Fil-A Day: 3 Things that are Actually Destroying the Sanctity of Marriage in America

1 Aug

Hmmmmm……..

Happy Chick-Fil-A day!

First, I’m going to point out that bitching about how someone’s interpretation of the Bible is wrong isn’t going to change their beliefs. Then I’m going to bitch about anti-gay crusaders’ interpretation of the Bible.

“The sanctity of marriage,” according to my translation of some people’s opinion, is a statement that presumably means that marriage is a Rull Special Thang. By letting just anyone marry, it’s not Rull Special anymore. Okay, got it. But the strategy so far (convert every LGBTQ in America by invalidating their feelings and telling them that they’re aberrations?) hasn’t really worked. If we’re gonna go down the road of preserve-marriage-by-making-it-only-available-to-some, we should bar a few others as well. Or just assassinate them, cause I’d be down with that.

1. Bruno Mars
Finish this sentence:

“It’s a beautiful night. We’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I want to __.”

Get Northwasted with ShermanAviators and attempt to pee on every building on campus while singing an impromptu a capella Katy Perry/Adele mashup? No, I’m sure you’re aware that that’s Ross Packingham’s sole purpose in life. Host a Winnie the Pooh-themed squaredance and kidnap someone’s mom because you want an even number to play Flipcup? No, that doesn’t rhyme. Beat the shit out of a homeless dude? Apparently at least three assholes who need to die painfully are into that, but the author and vessel of these words has a much more sinister plot.  Bruno Mars, who according to a recent poll has swiped the v-cards of 35% of teenage girls during their algebra daydreams,* wants to marry you.

…the fuck??

Look, B-mizzle, your name and your voice sound like they belong to a small ugly dog or a European pseudo-manslut. I’m sick of hearing your song about a completely uneventful day. And the assholes in this world who are offended by two people enjoying one anothers’ penises should really just calm the fuck down and be offended by Bruno Mars instead. This Motherfucker is partaking in the drink of the devil and clearly hasn’t asked her father’s permission. I’d mention that love isn’t exactly a central theme of the song, but the sacred kinds of marriage are apparently built on sanctity and not love, or no one would GAF.

Hell, at least Train was going to wait until he got the nerve to say hello in that café.

Hello Cleaveland!!!

2. Kim Kardashian
I wish that, for every small child that was given a homophobic protest sign by a Bigoted Motherfucker, another small child would be given a sign that said, “For the love of whatever God you believe in, stop media coverage of this woman.” While I congratulate her on having an admirable pair of boobies, only a woman desperate for companionship would marry someone who has the word “hump” in his name. She has also casually tossed the idea around of marrying her current beau, and I am convinced that living with Kanye West would be almost as bad as reading Ross Packingham’s Facebook powertrips.

Look, let’s all just agree that the Kardashian family is a few hookers short of a brothel and one letter short of a really fucked-up set of initials. Now who wants to take bets on when the number of how many weddings she’s had will exceed her bust measurement?

3. Anyone in Las Vegas
Enough said.

 

I will conclude this pathetic rant with the semi-relevant words of Commandant Leo Sextoi: “Bitches be too pretentious and uptight.”

 

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is heinous. The other is as though everything is heinous.” – Albert Einstein

 

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*second only to Justin Bieber, who regularly performs cunnilingus on young women while they avoid focusing on whatever the fuck their stupid English teacher is saying.