May Heinous Breakdown: Pabst Blue Ribbon Division

This is clearly the best possible use of everybody's time.

Yesterday, we unleashed the most heinous assault on history since the Cultural Revolution with Selection Sunday for May Heinous, our 32-team beer pong tournament featuring historical figures vying for the prestigious Morty Schapiro cup. Submissions for the official Sherman Ave May Heinous pool are open until Sunday, May 6th, and can be downloaded HERE before submitting completed brackets to shermanave1@gmail.com.

To further inundate educate our readers on the first-round matchups, our writers have briefly skimmed Wikipedia tirelessly researched the opening round contenders to provide an extensive breakdown of each team of historical figures. We hope our bracketology aids you in your quest for the perfect bracket. Tonight: The Pabst Blue Ribbon Division.

He also hopes to distract opponents with his pronounced moose knuckle.

Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus
Napoleon might be a quality partner, if it weren’t for the fact that he has a humongous temper and is paired with a pompous dickwaffle that won’t shut up about discovering the “new land,” which we interpret as the female body (let’s be real, Napolean isn’t tapping Sacagawea tonight).
Christopher Columbus is a Genoese asshole who thinks that just because you’re a celebrity means you get to sail your ship into any damn harbor. This bitch would love to colonize your room tonight, so don’t plan on sleeping in your own bed.
Strengths: Intimidation, Strategy
Weaknesses: General douchebaggery, bad tempers
Team Cohesiveness: 2/10
First-Round Opponents: Andy Warhol and Jack Kerouac
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

I refuse to play by the rules you have traditionally set to govern celeb shots.

Andy Warhol and Jack Kerouac
American pop-Art founder Andy Warhol really shouldn’t be in a beer pong tournament unless it involves nude models, Marilyn Monroe, and Campbell’s soup cans. I don’t suspect he’ll be any good at taking shots and he’ll probably refuse to conform to established norms regarding re-racks.  Beatnik writer Jack Kerouac, having played football at Columbia, might actually bring some amount of athleticism to this team, but will probably lose on purpose just so that he can drink himself into enough of a stupor to allow his suppressed homosexuality to come out. Watch out, Martin Luther!
Strengths: Kerouac’s athleticism, Warhol’s re-racks (who knows how to shoot a ping pong ball into a zebra shaped arrangement of cups?)
Weaknesses: A closeted gay man paired with a homosexual icon, Warhol’s supreme lack of athleticism
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

If he had the balls to pull off elephants, who knows what will happen on a redemption shot.

Sacagawea and Hannibal Barca
While most claim that Sacagawea was a translator for Lewis and Clark and whatnot, we all know she was there as a sexual release (real talk). Hannibal is considered one of the greatest military strategists, but I can’t get past the fact that his name reminds me of Hannibal Lecter. In any case, this team is bound to accomplish some crazy shit. Hannibal is a boss and can strategize better than most other teams, while Sacagawea can use her long hair and Native American language to distract the other team. She can also throw gold dollar coins bearing her face at opponents (I’m sure those hurt). However, the language barrier may prove problematic when it comes to re-racking and shit-talking.
Strengths: Navigation, Elephants
Weaknesses: Communication, Avalanches
Team Cohesiveness: 7/10
First-Round Opponents: General George McClellan and Margaret Sanger
–Petunia Cracksparkler

Pongs pretty hard with his PIKE brothers on weekends.

General George McClellan and Margaret Sanger
General George McClellan was a sub-par general who tried to oppose Lincoln in an election.  Who the fuck does that?! Margaret Sanger established Planned Parenthood and was a birth control activist (SUCK IT, RUSH LIMBAUGH!). Things for this team could go either way. McClellan surely won’t bring much to the table, yet Sanger is a boss and could potentially put the team on her back.  McClellan can’t really think on his feet, and often receives criticism for not utilizing every shot he’s allowed to take. However, McClellan might just be able to keep it together in the long run, or at least for as long as Sanger needs to kick ass and take names.
Strengths: McClellan’s mustache, the team’s combined prissiness
Weaknesses: Lack of strategic insight, low tolerance
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Sacagawea and Hannibal Barca
–Petunia Cracksparkler

Hitler displays his killer follow through.

Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler
Jane Austen: Badass novelist of realist romantic fiction. Adolf Hitler: extreme asswipe and former dictator of Nazi Germany. This was either a match made in heaven, or the wet dream of a heroin addict living in the Lower West Side who fell asleep while watching reruns of The Jetsons. While Hitler will surely bring a high level of determination and aggressive effort to the team, the duo’s success may be compromised by Jane’s likely efforts to undermine her misogynistic partner and general IDGAFing.
Strengths: Makings pacts, breaking pacts, Mr. Darcy
Weaknesses: Fan-section mostly limited to skinheads marching through Skokie and aging housewives
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: General George S. Patton and Al Gore
–Krystal

BOSS AS FUCK

General George S. Patton and Al Gore
General George S. Patton, known for his strong leadership of the United States Third Army during World War Two, pairs up with Al Gore, former future POTUS, in what should be an interesting game against Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler. The Patton-Gore team will bring bold and relentless efforts to the competition, but Gore’s flip-flopping tendencies could lower the pair’s chances of seizing victory over Austen and Hitler. Expect for Patton to make Der Führer become Der Fürious with repeated mentions of the Invasion of Normandy.
Strengths: The Popular Vote, being the greatest general in history
Weaknesses: The Electoral College, Car Crashes
Team Cohesiveness: 6/10
First-Round Opponents: Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler
–Krystal

Wait, this is the bitch who wrote "The Awakening!?"

Kate Chopin and Idi-Amin
Feminist writer Kate Chopin is not what you’d call an “MVP Contender” in this year’s tournament.  It’s not that she doesn’t have the potential for mediocrity, but rather that she’s too busy writing shitty novels about her white girl problems to invest anything into the game.  Idi-Amin provides an interesting complement to Chopin.  This Ugandan dictator is probably not used to being denied anything at all, let alone a measly beer pong victory.  This team’s only chance to win will be if Idi-Amin’s determined attitude can motivate Ms. (or Mrs.?  Then again, who gives a fuck) Chopin to get her head in the game.  Otherwise, this team doesn’t pose too much of a threat.
Strengths: Absolute power, “underdog” factor
Weaknesses: Power-trip-induced delusion, Kate Chopin
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini
–Ross Packingham

He said we're derived from WHAT???

Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini
If this tournament has a wildcard team, it’s these crazy fuckers; one sports analyst calls them the most eclectic team since the legendary Deng Xiaoping/Patrick Henry combo in 1995.  Charles Darwin should make a pretty large contribution to this team — the guy can probably hold his liquor pretty damn well.  You really think he spent all that time on the Galapagos Islands just watching animals and shit? Nah, the guy was drinking Kahlua out of turtle shells.  Ayatollah Khomeini should also be a strong player, but in a different way.  His lack of experience drinking alcohol could be an obstacle, but he’s also very strong-willed and imposing, which can really go a long way.  This firecracker of a team could really go either way; it should be really interesting.
Strengths: Coups, Sea travel
Weaknesses: Khomeini’s low tolerance, Darwin’s unpopularity with religious conservatives
Team Cohesiveness: 5/10
First-Round Opponents: Kate Chopin and Idi-Amin
–Ross Packingham

5 Special Editions of Monopoly That Would Never Sell

                                                                 

Crusades! Advance to the nearest Islam-owned property and claim it as your own.

Monopoly: World Religions Edition

Since almost all pieces end up in Jerusalem anyway, the game should work, right?  Wrong.  The first problem with the game is that the Holy Land doesn’t actually have as much real estate as Atlantic City, the basis for the original version of Monopoly.  There’s West Bank, Golan Heights, Gaza Strip…yeah, I think that’s about it.  So the game inevitably results in all the players fighting over a few small chunks of land.  Also, Hasbro showed an astounding lack of foresight by including a small sculpture of Mohammed as a game piece.  But the ultimate downfall of the game is its sheer offensive nature.  There are too many moments in this game that cause inter-player strife.  For example, that awkward moment when the Atheist player buys Mecca…

Anthony Weiner's iPhone - another game piece

Monopoly:  Scandalous! Edition

In this version of the game, players have the opportunity to relive some famous scandals in recent history while simultaneously trying to accumulate enough capital to put Watergate Hotel on a monopoly.  Game pieces include a Silvio Berlusconi, a Minneapolis airport stall, and a hauntingly detailed sculpture of Bill Clinton’s genitalia.  The first Hasbro board game to be rated NC-17, this game somehow fails to appeal to the typical board game demographic – Mormons.  Even with the second edition of the game, which makes a direct appeal to Mormons by adding Newt Gingrich’s numerous divorces to the list of scandals referenced in the game, there still is little to no market for it.  However, rumor has it that a new, more topically relevant version of the game is set for release this spring, focusing exclusively on scandals relating to 2012 Republican presidential candidates.

They replaced Marvin Gardens with THIS?!

Monopoly:  Classic Literature Edition

On paper, the idea here isn’t half bad.  The game could provide younger players with a basic understanding of classic literature while providing older players with an engaging form of mental stimulation.  Each monopoly consists of two or three books by one author, and their respective values correlate to how highly esteemed the author is (ex: Novels by Kate Chopin would replace Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues).  Regrettably, the designer of the game had a pretty skewed perception of “classic literature.”  Instead of featuring authors like Leo Tolstoy and Ernest Hemingway, the game features authors like Chelsea Handler and Dan Brown.  Furthermore, the 4 railroads are replaced by the 4 installments of the “Twilight” series.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, just wait till you find out that “Park Place” was replaced by “Tuesdays with Morrie.”

PLEASE GOD GIVE ME DOUBLES.

Monopoly:  The Deep South Edition

 The game pieces included in this version of monopoly are quite controversial; among them are Colonel Sanders, Dale Earnhardt Sr., George Wallace, and Nathan Bedford Forrest.  As an effort to slightly veil their excessive racism, they included Martin Luther King Jr. as another game piece, but this sentiment was made obsolete by the rule forcing the MLK piece to serve the jail sentences of the other players.  The game does have its merits, though – if a player can get a series of Motel 8s on the most expensive monopoly (comprised of Baptist Avenue and Krispy Kreme Boulevard), they could potentially make enough money to bribe Cam Newton into their football program.  Yet, the most distinguishing aspect of the game is probably the game-changing nature of the “Chance” cards – nothing can bring down your luck like drawing “BP Spill.  Move back 4 spaces” or “Realize the Civil War did actually end.  Start over.”

Monopoly: A Cultural Revolution!

Maonopoly:  Chinese Edition

It may come as a surprise to find out that, without the basic principles of capitalism, monopoly is not a very enjoyable game.  I can only imagine the frustration one might feel upon landing on Vermont Avenue – or whatever the fuck they call streets in China – and discovering that, along with every other property on the game, it is owned by the government.  Instead of “Community Chest” and “Chance,” players draw cards like “Community Chest” and “Community Chance,” possibly commanding them to take a Great Leap Forward to spaces like “Community Electric Company” or “Community Go.”  Additionally, several other spaces are renamed; for example, “Short Line” is replaced by “Tall-Because-Of-Leg-Extensions Line.”  Beware, though – just because there’s free parking on Tiananmen Square doesn’t necessarily mean the pieces will stop moving.