7 Movies That (sadly) Never Came to Fruition

As everybody knows, Hollywood is a restless hotbed of individual creativity. Unfortunately, some of the works of genius created by screenwriters never get turned into movies, a tragedy of the highest proportions. After extensive research, we have recently unearthed seven different scripts for movies that never quite made it to the box office, even though they totally should have.

7. Soul Patch

"That's the last flavor your chin will ever savor"

Apache Indian Harry Smoothface, tormented by the hair-owing realities of the modern world, finally has had enough. In order to wreak his revenge on American society (specifically targeting jazz musicians and TAs), Smoothface brutally scalps the soul patches from every victim he encounters. Starring Will Sampson (Chief Bromden from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest), this movie would totally have grabbed you by the hair on your chinny-chin-chin. Screenplay written by Dan Wonk and Calvin Streit, the same creative masterminds behind the thriller Death Perception, an action movie about the adventures of a one-eyed hitman for the mafia. Also keep a look out for Soul Patch‘s sequel, Soul Patch 2: Back on the Patch.

6. Casablumpkin

"I'll make it easier for you. Go ahead and shoot. You'll be doing me a favor."

1 man. 1 consenting woman. 1 toilet. What better way to start the beginning of a beautiful friendship? Set for filming in the early 50s, the thriller Casablumpkin combined action and romance to have you on the edge of your seat all night.

5. PROFESSOR BAILEY or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Fucksaw
Kubrick’s dark comedy exploring the absurd circumstances leading up to that catastrophic event. Set in black and white, the film would star comedic icon Peter Sellers, who would play the roles of Professor Bailey, President Schapiro, Faith Kroll, appalled student #2, Sean Lavery, and the drilldo. Unfortunately, Kubrick decided at the last minute that Professor Bailey wasn’t nearly twisted enough, and proceeded to make the lighthearted romp A Clockwork Orange instead.

"Hell is other people."

4. Crime and Punishment
Production for this Michael Bay film, starring Mark Wahlberg as an impoverished BU student and Matt Damon as a corrupt Boston Cop, had nearly began until Bay found out that the script had already been written by some Russian asshole. Unfazed, Bay is reportedly in talks with French screenwriter Sartre for the naming rights to his next blockbuster film, No Exit, a film starring Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, and Bruce Willis as three wrongfully convicted felons trying to escape the Louisiana prison “L’enfer.”

Don't fuck with this suffragist

3. Breaking Baaaaaaaad
Smart and sexy international spy Frances Willard must infiltrate the stronghold of the evil Shepard Residential College and foil their nefarious plot for campus-wide domination. Guest starring Master Morson, Eleanor, CSOs Patrick and Joel, Katia Bowers, Taiyo Sogawa, Gabe Bergado, and Katie Chilton as Willard’s hearty gang of affable misfits who transform into one cohesive unit over the course of the film.

2. The Room II: Revenge of Johnny
Johnny’s ghost returns to San Francisco to torment all those who wronged him during his lifetime. Lisa is attacked with animated spoons, that one random drug dealer is brought to justice, and Mark learns football. The sequel died in pre-production due to concerns voiced by writer, director, producer, and main actor Tommy Wiseau that the plot was “too straightforward and logical.”

This flag means so much to so many people

1. Alpha Delta
Acclaimed director Alexander Waldman’s planned documentary delves into the layers of mystery surrounding the world’s most prestigious frority, in an attempt to determine how it evolved from a loose coalition of Northwestern friends into a social group that places its members in some of the most high-profile positions around the world. Learn more about its shadowy founders and leaders, and be shocked by the revelation of which contemporary figures belong to this badass institution (including a Congressman caught in the throes of a sex scandal, 3 New York Knicks cheerleaders, a professor at Harvard, 2 convicted art thiefs, and one People’s Sexiest Man 3 times running).

Willard Exec Board Endorsements

The pride and glory of this Residential College isn't going to perpetrate itself, bitches

The excitement in the air is almost as fervent as the atmosphere surrounding a primary for Congressional midterms as the election for next year’s Willard Exec Board rapidly approaches. Tomorrow night, Willardites will convene in the historic Rat Trap to determine which of their peers shall be elevated to the vaunted and estimable Willard Exec Board, a beloved group of civilian leaders who fearlessly govern the greatest Residential College known to man.

Suffice to say, this is a pretty big deal.

History has proven that it takes an educated constituency to elect the best officials to govern and protect a democracy (which certainly explains how Bachmann got elected). Here at Sherman Ave, we take our role as the 4th-most reviled Evanston-based news source very seriously, and, after much deliberation, have decided to throw the massive weight of our support behind three candidates whom we believe stand out so far from the field that they deserve recognition for their innate superiority over the others.

Ms. Chilton during a brief period of thoughtful repose

Vice President: Katie Chilton
Willard’s Vice President is one of the most venerable positions on the Exec Board, most recently occupied by the great Carol “Lieutenant of Lusciousness” Li. Willard Vice President is a job that requires the charisma of a puppy, the mental fortitude of Bobby Fischer, and the ability to count (for housing points). Ms. Chilton has all of these prerequisite skills, and then some. With the political dexterity to both befriend all of Willard’s 2011-2012 Class in three days with her batshit-insane antics, and then turn around and pull all the necessary strings on the Exec Board to get things done, Chilton is the clear frontrunner and superior candidate.

Also, Ms. Chilton has promised that, if elected, she will upgrade Willard’s toilet paper to at least single-ply, always keep a free supply of warm chocolate chip cookies in her room, reinstate the annual Frances Willard Party (including the necessary keg on the roof), and create the new traditional “Naked March through the Arch.”

Clearly, this is a man you can trust to handle your dues

Treasurer: John Taseff
Little is known about this elusive Whiz Kid from the 4th floor, besides the shadowy rumors one hears around the sorority quad. Apparently, Mr. Taseff once fought, and defeated, 5 truckers in an Alaskan roadhouse after a heated dispute about the best way to beat Bobba Fett in Shadows of the Empire (for N64), was the creator of Google, Wikipedia, and College ACB, and is a close personal friend of Ben Bernanke (not to mention sworn enemy of Alan Greenspan).

His favorite economic phenomenon is a perfectly elastic market, his ideal dinner date includes Bulbasaur and Friedrich Engels, and his least favorite operating system is Linux. Needless to say, Mr. Taseff is over-qualified, not to mention over-awesome, for the job of Willard Treasurer.

Don't even TRY and deny this jawline

Secretary: Stephen Rees
At first, Mr. Rees might seem like your typical “breathtakingly handsome yet surprisingly humble, intelligent, and funny” run of the mill guy, but once you get to know him, he’s so much more! As Secretary, Rees’ most important duty would be composing and distributing the popular publication “Shits N’ Giggles,” hopefully at a rate somewhat faster than the current speed, which is about as quick as a turtle with a heroin addiction. With his astounding wit and intellect, Rees is guaranteed to leave you both shitless and giggled out by the end of your stay in the stalls.

But Rees’ credentials extend much further than his impeccable comedic style. A Noble Laureate, Head Writer for Saturday Night Live circa 1975, and co-founder/editor of the popular blog Sherman Ave, Mr. Rees has displayed time after time his understanding and mastery of American literature and humor. We cannot stress how kickass of a Secretary Stephen Rees would make, or just how much the survival of all that is beloved about Willard relies on his election.

Hopefully, these endorsements prove helpful in the upcoming elections. No matter what, we have complete faith and trust in the ability of the democratic process to elect the best candidates for the Willard Exec Board. If not, we’d be no better than our despised, tyrannical neighbors, the Evans Scholars.

-The Sherman Ave Editorial Staff