Sherman Ave Writers Win Award for “Most Loyal Sherman Ave Readers”

EVANSTON, IL—The writers of Sherman Ave announced this afternoon that they were thrilled to award the “Most Loyal Readers Award” to the writers of Sherman Ave.

As the esteemed publication nears its two millionth view, its writers believed it was time to finally acknowledge the community that has helped it grow to become the social icon it is today.  But, since they do not have time to thank each and every viewer, they believed it would send the same message if they simply spoiled their most loyal readers.  As it turns out,

How to Have a Heinous Holiday Party

Want to have a Christmas experience like we do at the Ave?

Here are just a few things you’ll need to make sure you have a Merry Heinmas:

1. Ugly sweaters, Santa hats, and reindeer antlers

Just the basics.

2. Alcohol

Lots and lots of alcohol. You wouldn’t want to hang out with your closest friends and family sober, now would you?

3. A good present

Suggestions: leather handcuffs, a framed picture of kittens, 300 pages of your Japanese homework, porn, three copies of a book that literally nobody likes, coal.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.

The Twelve Worst Things People Say to Northwestern Students

1. “What’s it like going to school in Boston?”
It’s Northwestern, not that other school in Boston. You know, “Chicago’s Big Ten Team?”

2. “How many times have you been to the NCAA tournament?”
Who’s really counting these days (#me #shame #depression)? Anyway, Chris Collins is going to take us to the Promised Land within the next two years, and there’s like a million other sports in which we’re bomb-ass.

3. “Son, your mother and I are getting a divorce.”
Seriously? Have you seen our ACT scores?

A Line-by-Line Analysis of Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop”

Miley Cyrus, daughter of notable country star and probable redneck Billy Ray Cyrus, has long been an object of media scrutiny.  However, she has changed all of this with the release of her new video “We Can’t Stop.”  This video sets Miley apart, as she takes on subject matters rarely heard in pop music such as partying, and hooking up with others.  However, not all of us are smart and mature enough to understand Miley, because she’s really artsy and mature now and we just don’t understand her because she’s that fucking deep.  So as someone who took an english class once[1], I’ll do the service of explaining this magnificent song elucidating its meaning to those not capable of understanding.[2]

Meet the ASG Candidates: Aaron and Henry

Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is part three of four. Look for the final interview to come later in the day.

Aaron and Henry: Befriending popos and pitbulls

What is your favorite shitty beer, and what does it tell us about you?

Henry: Do I have to answer this question if I’m not 21?

So assuming you were hypothetically of-age, what do you think your favorite shitty beer would be?

Henry: Natural Light for sure. No question.

Aaron: I’d say PBR. Now that I’m 21 I like to go to Wob.

But you can’t get PBR at Wob!

Aaron: No PBR there. So I get whatever’s on tap. Like a Dark Ale.

Henry: So there’s a way that I want to answer this question, but I feel like it’s incriminating. But I would go on to tell you some stories.

Aaron: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Keg Week 2013: Evaluating Possible Kegplacements

All those fun Evanston bars you can’t get into, and then also the Deuce.

As tragic as the loss of our dearly departed TKOE is, the simple truth remains that life must go on and the hein must continue. So it is that we, a sad and weary bunch, take up the task of finding a kegplacement. Urged on by a resigned knowledge that we have no other option, and by the occasional inbox for our devoted readers asking for our help, we accept our duty and offer a guide to possible locations to fill the gaping hole in our hearts that was The Keg:

Bat 17: Well heeeellllloooooo renovation, and what beautiful timing you have. Just as our hearts were broken to pieces by Mayor Tisdaddy, Bat chose to pick them up and build them into a huge new bar area. The newly renovated Bat features wide open spaces perfect for sweaty, unconscionable grinding and maintains its excellent drink selection. Still, a couple of prohibitive factors remain, including its relatively high prices and reasonable (read: “following the law”) ID policy. On the other hand, BEER TOWERS.

Keg Week 2013: A Review of Dinner at The Keg

A little over a year ago, when The Keg was first taken from us by The Unspeakables, the Sherman Ave editors made an unprecedented trip to  TKOE for dinner. The dinner was, surprisingly, generally devoid of puking sorostitutes or passed out freshmen. In fact, it was fairly delish-daddy.

With that in mind we present a totally serious review of #KegDin.

No srsly, they serve food 2.

Service: There were literally zero other customers, probably because it was a Wednesday around 6 p.m. and not any time on a Monday or a Saturday night. Upon walking in, we looked for a waitress or waiter or server or busboy or human or dog or reptile or pile of vomit. No one. After about 30 seconds a waitress walked over and told us we “could sit wherever want.” Like all the classy joints. After that we were waited on hand-and-foot by a slightly depressing but generally acceptable 30-something woman. She brought water in the pitchers. Yeah. They use those urine-baskets for WATER.

Keg Week 2013 EXCLUSIVE: Tisdahl Shut Down TKOE Because She Had “A Really Shitty Time There Once”

Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl confirmed Tuesday that her years-long campaign against The Keg of Evanston, which ultimately forced the legendary bar to close last month, was rooted in one bad experience she had at The Keg.

“I just wanted to get my rageface on”

In an exclusive interview with Sherman Ave, Tisdahl said that The Keg “fucking sucked” and “only douchebags went there.” It all began, Tisdahl said, when she was denied entry to the bar because she was over 21.

Keg Week 2013: A Hypothetical Timeline of Tonight At The Keg

Tonight is a Monday night. Not just that, it is the Monday night before a new quarter begins. This should be The Keg’s time to shine; instead, thanks to the relentless wrath of Lizzy Tizzy, there is no Keg.

But don’t think that means there is no hope! In fact, as part of our court-ordered community service for “shitting on every building at U of C” we’ve decided to run through a timeline of what tonight would have held, had TKOE been open for heinous:

Home is where the hein is.

9:34pm: A group of freshmen who have never been to The Keg arrive, WildCards in hand, to see what all the fuss is about. No one else is there yet. There is no doorman. “I thought this was the place to be!” exclaims one Ayers resident.

10:18pm: The popcorn machine comes to life by its own volition, signaling the beginning of Keg Monday. Employees start to trickle in and wipe up Saturday’s vomit.

Freshmen in Search for the Kegs in Kellogg

And a cover band. No joke, a goddamn Kellogg cover band.

EVANSTON — During an impromptu sporcle and boxed wine session Friday night in Willard Hall, freshmen Kurt Friedman and Alec Blomquist decided to search for the supposed kegs brought in on Fridays to the Kellogg building for graduate students.

They heard rumors of the kegs from a sophomore in Plex who stated, “There’s probably, like, 6 goddamn kegs up there. Hell, maybe even some drunk grad students there ready to scrump.”