Two New Nelly Songs You’re Going To Be Upset About

I’ll be brief.

How far we’ve come since since Air Force Ones.

Recording artist and known Benzie enthusiast Nelly is gearing up to release a new album later this summer, to be called M.O.

Naturally, pop radio has gotten ahold of two new singles in anticipation.  And by “anticipation,” I mean someone on Nelly’s team is paying good ke$ha to make sure that we might remember Nelly as more than just that guy with the one song about “riding with me.”

The Hangover Cure That Never Fails

Pictured: You, tomorrow morning

Up until I turned 21, I could drink myself into oblivion as often as I wanted and never once woke up to find my body telling me that I had too much fun the night before, a dreaded condition commonly known as the hangover. But mother nature has a sick sense of humor, and since then seems to delight in watching me suffer every morning after I drunkenly belt “Afternoon Delight” on my walk home from telling a group of strangers my most embarrassing secrets.

Romney pins Ryan down, cuts his hair

Romney and Ryan after the hair-chopping incident.

In an awkward moment in the presidential race on Saturday, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was seen holding down GOP vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan and cutting Ryan’s hair off.

The episode, captured exclusively by TMZ obvi, is reminiscent of an earlier hold-down-and-cut-hair episode in Romney’s life that is weirdly the most personable memory anyone seems to have of the former Massachusetts’s governor.

As Romney and Ryan were leaving the deck of the USS Wisconsin Saturday, shortly after Romney introduced Ryan as the veep pick, a woman appeared to shout to Ryan that she thought his hair was better than Romney’s. Romney proclaimed himself to be “flabbergasted” before adding “Gee whiz, these yellow-bellied knuckleheads have some silly ideas in their noggins!”

It was at this point that Romney grew visibly agitated and stroked his hair enviously.

“He can’t look better than me. That’s wrong. Just look at me!” an incensed Romney told his very close friend Ann Romney, according to TMZ’s recollection.

Romney then grabbed his handy-dandy safety scissors from his pocket, removed the rubber band that keeps the blade closed, and slipped off the plastic covering he uses to keep the blades from giving him “a big old poke.” Pouncing on Ryan, Romney unleashed a torrent of insults, including “pinko hair fascist,” “working class poor person,” and “big poopy face.”

And don’t you EVER question my hair again

By the time Romney regained his composure, Ryan’s once luscious locks were completely obliterated.

“Well, if my logarithm relating the flowing nature of hair follicles to the probability of electoral success holds true– as it did under Herbert Hoover– I think we can assume that your actions have done statistically significant damage to our chances over the next 88 days,” Ryan said. Romney reportedly blinked in return.

For the Republican ticket, the new hairlessness of Ryan poses a series of unique challenges. Political experts say a new ad out from a pro-Obama Super PAC linking Romney to male pattern baldness will be particularly potent in light of these revelations. Allegations that Bain capital bought out a wig company will likely also reenter the national discussion and could hurt Romney with the key “weird uncles whose eyebrows are different colors from their hair but totally don’t wear a wig so shut up” demographic.

The Obama campaign was quick to release a statement on the incident, noting that, “Romney failed to release his tax returns while he violently held down his running mate and returned to the Bush-era hair chopping policies.”

Romney attempted to explain away the incident to media later in the day by noting that he has previously been in favor of not cutting people’s hair off without consent and, after careful deliberations with his circle of advisers, he has had another epiphany and decided to return to that position.

“On the state level, I think that hair cutting is a good idea,” Romney said. “But states are really a hair-chopping laboratory. There’s no reason to think that I would support it on a national level unless everyone else does.”

Ryan quickly released a controversial budget for his hair plugs, which he would pay for by massively reducing student financial aid, cutting cancer screenings and ending Medicare. Ryan reportedly giggled when a senior citizen asked how she would afford her medication now, making him the first member of the Romney-Ryan ticket to genuinely laugh ever.

Rebecca Black’s Hit Single “Friday”

Instant pop music sensation Rebecca Black, also a closeted intellectual social commentator

Some cultural commentators might say that Rebecca Black’s new hit single “Friday” is nothing more than an egregiously horrendous song created by an obscenely rich and untalented 13-year-old that is so obnoxiously deplorable, it has quickly conquered the interwebs. But I think we can all agree that it takes more than harrowing stupidity to achieve internet celebrity.

Rather, Black’s “Friday,” which has garnered over 3 million youtube views in only three days, is far more substantive than most listeners might think. Upon further analysis of Black’s hit single, music video, and ensuing internet kerfuffle, it is apparent that her ode to the greatest day of the week is far more sophisticated than the repulsively deplorable piece of crap it first appears to be.

This explains a lot

A brief examination of Black’s lyrics reveals the true genius inherent in her song writing. Black is able to slyly sneak a casual drug reference into a seemingly inane discussion on breakfast in her first stanza, crooning, “Gotta have my bowl.” Besides substantially improving her street cred (in what I can only assume is her local Bronxville middle school), Black also hints at the necessity of toking in order to get through the daily grind of modern life.

Rosa Parks had the same dilemma

Perhaps thanks to her extensive drug abuse, Black also poses the philosophical dilemma “Which seat can I take?” Her trenchant questioning of where a human being must sit when driving with friends raises the deeper issue of where any of us really sit in the cosmic order of the universe. Yet in accordance with the existentialist philosophies of her intellectual predecessors, Black actively transcends her facticity in life, freely and willingly choosing where she wants to place her philosophical seat in life. In a display of her fierce desire to delve into all issues, Black symbolically forces herself into the middle seat in an understated reference to her personal hero, Rosa Parks.

If you're Rebecca Black, then why are you white?

But Black’s most pithy insight into modern life comes in her bridge with the lines, “Yesterday was Thursday / Today is Friday… Tomorrow is Saturday / And Sunday comes afterwards.” Truer words have never been spoken. Her repeated declaration, “We so excited,” coupled with frequent staccato interjections of “Yeah!” from her peers (magical 13-year-olds who have mastered the ability to drive), also display a youthful joy and disregard of grammar rarely found within current popular musicians.

Patrice Wilson, a.k.a. “Random Black Guy who wasn’t invited to Rebecca Black’s party but drives around and raps about Friday anyways,” then adds his initially opaque, yet extraordinarily brilliant, rap verse to the song. Perceptively musing, “Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me / makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream,” Wilson’s verse is the perfect combination of “token rap within a pop song” and “why the fuck am I watching this” that Black needed to amplify her sound.

Seriously, besides age and alcohol consumed, is there really any substantial difference between Ke$ha and Rebecca Black?

But what makes “Friday” so brilliant is the interplay between its backing music and Black’s poignant lyrics. Although most music critics believed that pop production-quality peaked with Alpha Delta’s “Harry Fucking Potter,” “Friday’s” grating use of auto-tune over the same four plodding chords brings the genre to a whole new level. Black is clearly lamenting the current replacement of high art with the tasteless industrialized artifacts produced on a mass scale, in order to satisfy the lowest common denominator, by using her music to reflect the existing musical trends of the institutional propagation of musical homogenization, creative appropriation, and shitification running rampant throughout American culture.

Although it appears that Black’s single is an exceptionally terrible musical abomination, she covertly comments on the state of pop music and modern culture by mimicking the work of pop acts like Ke$ha, Miranda Cosgrove, and Katy Perry, rich and untalented women and girls who garner instant internet fame despite their appalling lack of skill. And there lies the surprising genius nature of Rebecca Black’s song: No matter how piss-poor the quality of her work is, Americans will eat this shit up. Tell us that something is hilarious and popular, and the video will be grafted onto our national consciousness for days.