The Best Places To Take A Shit On Campus

“Everybody poops, you are not alone”- Radiohead

Up until going abroad a few months ago (in a place with not-so-great toilets, as it were), I had a really hard time dropping a deuce anywhere but home. It wasn’t that I couldn’t; in a high stress, emergency scenario, I was perfectly capable of using a public toilet. But it was never a comfortable experience, and despite my recent maturation, pooping in a public place is still something of a trying experience for me.

It may well be that I am alone in struggling to drop trou in public restrooms. I have a hard time believing that I am #foreveralone, but even if we say for the sake of argument that I am, I’m still sure that everyone, I mean virtually EVERY man, woman, child, and other, prefers to poop in comfortable circumstances. It’s why dogs prefer the grass to the sidewalk, why cats prefer anywhere but the litter box to the litter box (wait no that’s because cats are total dicks nevermind).

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

3 Tips to cope with that Summertime Sadness

Summer is winding down now, and we are all ready to be back at school. For those of us who are just as weird as Lana del Rey and nowhere near as pretty, summertime sadness is some real shit. Everyone seems to fall into a summer category: working a kickass internship at some awesome company; partying like old times with your high school biddies; “studying” abroad or just being a generally wealthy person who gets to “summer” in Athens for funsies; or finally, being forced to remember why you hated your hometown in the first place.

I, unfortunately, fall into the last category. Subheading: bored housewife training.

Sherman Ave Interviews: Morty Schapiro

The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview.  Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.

“I’m allergic to cats.”

Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?

Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?

Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.

Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.

Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?

Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.

Packingham: Like a Budweiser?

Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American

30 More Things That Go Through The Mind Of Every Northwestern Student (Almost) Every Day

Is it true that Morty once took Margaret Thatcher to a nice dinner and never called her back?

Because 33 things that go through the mind of every Northwestern student (almost) every day just wasn’t enough.

1) OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS IN ALL THE WORLD WHY DID TISDAHL HAVE TO SHUT DOWN MINE.

2) No but it’s fine The Keg wasn’t that great I’ll just go somewhere else in Evanston OH MY GOD THERE IS NO WHERE ELSE.

3) TIIIIIISSSSSSSDAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

4) It’s April. Why the fuck do I need to wear a Northface in April.

5) If BK was a McDonalds I would be broke and fat.

Keg Week 2013 EXCLUSIVE: Tisdahl Shut Down TKOE Because She Had “A Really Shitty Time There Once”

Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl confirmed Tuesday that her years-long campaign against The Keg of Evanston, which ultimately forced the legendary bar to close last month, was rooted in one bad experience she had at The Keg.

“I just wanted to get my rageface on”

In an exclusive interview with Sherman Ave, Tisdahl said that The Keg “fucking sucked” and “only douchebags went there.” It all began, Tisdahl said, when she was denied entry to the bar because she was over 21.

Freshmen in Search for the Kegs in Kellogg

And a cover band. No joke, a goddamn Kellogg cover band.

EVANSTON — During an impromptu sporcle and boxed wine session Friday night in Willard Hall, freshmen Kurt Friedman and Alec Blomquist decided to search for the supposed kegs brought in on Fridays to the Kellogg building for graduate students.

They heard rumors of the kegs from a sophomore in Plex who stated, “There’s probably, like, 6 goddamn kegs up there. Hell, maybe even some drunk grad students there ready to scrump.”

Your Monthly HorrorScopes

Photo courtesy of Ross Packingham and Ginger LeatherDream

Congratulations! Everyone’s having a pretty good month! Except for Pisces, that’s what you get for being an attention whore who steals my paper thesis and claims it as your own! (How do you live with yourself!?)

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This month, take some time to focus on you. Take a bath, watch a movie, finally get around to burying that body. LOL JK! But there is a fresh dirt path in the park on Grove, approximately 10 feet, from the SW corner, and shovels are on sale this week at Ace Hardware. Pro tip: If you wear a fluorescent orange vest people will assume it’s community service! Happy “planting!”

Things to avoid saying: “I confess”

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You may or may not die in a horrible, horrible terrorist attack on the El. You probably deserve it.

Your lucky day: Not Wednesday

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
When Jupiter moves into the apex of Croatia’s left nut, expect good fortune at your feet. That’s right, your new plaid Sperry’s Top Siders finally arrived in the mail! Your fraternity brethren will be drooling with envy, but they will have the last laugh when the snow disintegrates them by the weekend. But, of course, you will be too drunk to notice.

Things to avoid: KKD, DDD, DZ…you know what you’ve done

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You’re at the crossroads of what is sure to be a long journey. Question is, do you watch the video of the panda sneezing set to dubstep, or the new “Shit Adorable Kittens Say After Their Baths?” You also have a midterm paper worth 40% of your grade due tomorrow, but we all know that’s not happening. Pop another caffeine pill and watch them both. Six times.

Your lucky time of day: 7:34 pm (Brian will smile at you in Norbucks!!!)

Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
Your month begins with a surprise, as the long lost twin sister you never knew you had shows up at your door! (All Geminis are twins, right? That’s how this works?) Even better news: She’s smokin’ hot! As a dude, you know it’s your right, nay, your responsibility to nail her. As a lady, it’s still your job to nail her and film it. Make it black and white, add come captions in a language you made up, and there’s a good chance you can get it into Sundance. If not, at least into the hearts of a few boys in AEPi. Oh, and all of this is definitely not weird at all.

Things to avoid: Taking your sister on a date to see “Shame”

Cancer (Jun 22- Jul 22)
Financial woes have been weighing heavily on your mind, but due to Saturn coming out of the closet, your problems suddenly vanish! Don’t question your roommates newfound money flow, just politely volunteer to peddle his “product” for him. And those little bags of white powder he’s been leaving around the house? I’ve seen enough episodes of Breaking Bad to know that is definitely NOT meth or weed, so stop worrying that you’re a “drug dealer” and start thinking of yourself as a “businessman!” Kellogg, Shmellogg.

Your lucky street name: Chet Haze

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Looks like it’s a good time for love! Just not for you, but I’m sure your best friend and girlfriend, whoops, EX-girlfriend, will be very happy together. It’ll all be okay! Turn off the Adele, stop licking cookie crumbs from the bag, and GROW A DICK. Maybe then you could keep a girl around long enough for her to see it, too.

Things to avoid: Admitting that you watch Say Yes to the Dress

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Everyone agrees you are the best, so why can’t your TA see it too? Did she really expect you to turn in that silly little 10-page paper about the Russian Revolution through the eyes of Tina Fey when you were busy catching up on Mad Men? And your theatre professor didn’t take too kindly to your idea of “sleeping as performance art,” but don’t fret! There’s still time to bring your grades up before Mommy and Daddy take away your new Lexus. Take one for the team, and bang that nerdy, silent girl from down the hall. She’s got a 4.0 average, and you’ll have 4.0 less things to worry about.

Your lucky charm: No bookworm girl can resist a man in thick-framed glasses!

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23)
Zeus is pissed at Snooki, which parallels your current relationship with your roommate. She’ll hit her breaking point near the end of the month, after you “borrowed-my-favorite-scarf-again-I’ll-kill-you-you-bitch-don’t-even!” You could take the high road (don’t ask ME how to get there, though) and apologize, perhaps buying her dinner to make up for it. But my real advice? Hit the road, girl, and ask for a room transfer. That’s what you get for living in drama-heavy Elder. Pick a nice, quiet, place like ISRC, where you can almost guarantee no one will ever talk back to you. You will be their queen! Enjoy your newfound power!

Things to avoid: Doing the dirty on your roomie’s bed

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
Let’s play good news/bad news. Good news! The Tsar has been overthrown! The revolution is over! Huzzah! I’ll tell the people of 1917 you’re very happy for them. Bad news: meanwhile, in 2012, your family dog gets hit by a truck. Good news: He wasn’t really your dog! Bad news: I’m joking. (Too soon?) Good news: He didn’t have cancer! Bad news: You do.

Your lucky charms: will taste bitter after you learn the news

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
The B-list stars are aligning, which means that this month is a good time to expand your talents. Take a pottery class, pick up the harmonica, try swallowing fire while juggling swords and riding a unicycle. Naked. Trust me, I watch Grey’s Anatomy which basically means I’m a doctor. And if these new escapades don’t work out, don’t be discouraged! Just get right back out there and try, try again once you’re released from the hospital!

Things to avoid: Nothing! Stare death in the face while flipping him off!

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The smell of a blooming romance is in the air! At least that’s what you think. Turns out to be the rotten Joy Yee’s leftovers on the bottom shelf of your fridge. But hey! At least you (probably) won’t die alone, your cat happens to love the smell of Chinese food!

People to avoid: That boy in your poetry class that caught you sniffing his hair in last week’s discussion section

Have a good month! And remember, things will never be as bad for you as they are for George Lopez’s fan club!

–Ali Parr

Places You Shouldn’t Meet a Girl

Continuing yesterday’s romantic advice of Manua Hiki-Hiki, Professor J. Reginald Vandernips offers some suggestions for inadvisable places to meet a future paramour.

Currently plotting the best way to get you to buy her a drink

You met her at the Keg.
Now, no one is criticizing you for lacerating some girl’s uvula on a beer and Long Island Iced Tea soaked particle board floor last Saturday. In fact, it would be a social infraction if you had actually bought her a cheap drink. But no matter, at that point you had already hopped the fence, swaggered in as if you weren’t a depraved freshman, and maybe gotten her digits (They still call them digits… right?). However, after your forgotten night of passion, you may have woken up with a text that said something along the lines of, “Lykeee, yah.less D@te!!!” Far be it from me to interpret such a heinous message, but it looks like you might have missed your chance for some shenanigans. When that broad wakes up, she’s not gonna want to relive that night again with you, and even if you look as douchey as you can possibly make yourself (Read: Chet Haze), she’s going to use every drunken night as an attempt to oppress the thought of you. Bottom line: Keg-Girls will abuse you like you abused her inebriation.

You met her at an Occupy Wall Street rally
Don’t even fucking touch that unless you want your genitalia pepper-sprayed.

You met her in an Intro class
Chances are she’s either a desperate sophomore or a sleazy freshman. At most, test them through a series of hardcore study sessions in the African stacks or the reference section; otherwise you’ll be listing Catullus poems, Kafka references, and economic models that relate to your downward-spiraling romance.

You met her in high school
Good luck.

The Pippa Middleton of the U.S. Coast Guard

You met her at the nearby Coast Guard base
Firstly, what the fuck were you doing trolling that part of town? You have some issues, but more than that, why are you creating a relationship with a timeline? Obviously they’re gonna ship out soon. Maybe you want a uniformed hookup buddy. I can respect that. But odds are, you’re gonna be dealing with some drunkard that had too much fun at a Chicago bar and just wants a good man cushion to drool on in a dorm before heading back to the base. Let that ship sail man. (Pun totally intended)

You met her in the library. She has a Starbucks latte in a reusable mug, a Mac, and four colored highlighters.
You just met the number one dominatrix on this campus and by the end of one night, you never want to hear the words feather, tickle, riding crop, and sex in the same sentence. Most likely you’ll have to put that bitch in a pentagram and say some demonic prayer to get rid of her.

You met her at Whole foods as she was perusing the patchouli aisle.
Well, chances are you’ll have some crazy drug-induced-euphoric tantric sex, but other than that, the earthen crust that has taken root in your hair is starting to breed, and you’re not sure that the infestation is something even Morty can demolish with a few McCormick fellows.

And you thought "stagflation" only referred to economic growth...

You met her at Kellogg
You might have to pay for sex on a regular basis and suffer through economic diatribes and a lackluster emotional exchange. In fact, you might wonder if she even has a soul. If she’s thinking of a future in investment banking, it’s a lost cause.

You met her in the SPAC showers
Think about that sentence for just a moment. See why that’s a bad idea?

BUT DON’T WORRY! There are plenty of places to meet young women to date. Unfortunately, those places don’t exist on the NU campus, regardless of how pretty or effeminate those maidens might be. You’ll just have to suck it up and nurse yourself to sleep with one of those Asian girl body pillows and sugar plum dreams of Eleanor Kinkervoss.

Bag Tax in Evanston?

Welcome to the People's Republic of Evanston

Earlier this week, the FWH, or “Fuckers We Hate” (formally known as the Evanston City Council) recently proposed a 5-cent tax on all paper and plastic bags in the city of Evanston. On campus, this has spawned controversy and inspired impromptu musical performances. Additionally, it has prolonged the FWH’s long-standing tradition of controversial taxes, laws, and ordinances; Evanston has managed to legislate something questionable with approximately the same frequency of Northwestern’s defense allowing a third-down conversion. This proposal leads us to wonder: How would a bag tax impact students?

It seems that for most students, a bag tax would have a minimal effect on their daily lives. Consider the stores in Evanston where we most frequently shop.

CVS
Usually students use CVS when they only need to pick up one item, like crayons or Magnums (I’m not referencing the firearm). Generally, the only time students need a bag to carry their items home would be in the case of what I call “Chaserpalooza” – a quarterly event in which four weeks of Kellogg studies are spent on 35-40 2-liter bottles of CVS brand soda, which, incidentally, tastes like fucking cough syrup. But even this is hardly valid as an argument against the bag tax; we here at The Ave know that the only real chaser you need is the palm of your hand.

Do 7/11 Taquitos go well with rum?

7/11
Let’s be honest. The guy who works the register at Sevy Levy (shout-out to Dijay) is undoubtedly stoned out of his mind every minute of every day. I’ve gone there at least five or ten times when he’s explicitly requested that I don’t pay the sales tax. The older guy who works there could attempt to prevent that, but he’s usually too busy singing “Moves Like Jagger.” The point is: Given the 7/11 staff, it seems implausible that a bag tax would actually be implemented at that store. But damn, do I love those employees.

EV1
Just as no student enters Ev1 without a backpack, no student leaves Ev1 with a paper bag. That would look suspicious. Instead, we choose to stuff our small backpacks with our four newly bought handles of Smirnoff and take to the streets of Evanston. That way, we get to maximize the number of awkward encounters we get to have with professors, TAs, and friends’ parents on the walk back to campus when there are clearly multiple conspicuous protruding objects clanging loudly in our bags.

A box of clementines for only $15!? WHAT A STEAL!

Whole Foods
If you shop regularly at Whole Foods, it is quite improbable that a 5-cent bag tax would be a financial burden, and it is even less probable that you would ever conceive of opposing an environmental measure.

We can conclude that a bag tax would not have adverse effects on the majority of the student body. This seems especially bizarre, considering that this ordinance was proposed by the Evanston City Council. And it doesn’t negatively affect the Northwestern student body. Am I missing something? Is there a hidden clause that taxes the verbalization of the word “blowjob?” Did Morty finally kill off the Death Eaters that had penetrated the city council? Only time shall tell how the Evanston City Council has secretly designed this law to completely fuck us.