via celebuzz.com
WASHINGTON– President Obama announced in a nationally televised address Thursday that he will commemorate the legacy of the late President John F. Kennedy, who was shot and killed 50 years ago in Dallas, by having regular sexual intercourse with Kim Kardashian.
“We have a solemn duty as Americans to remember President Kennedy’s legacy each and every day,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “To live as he lived. To do as he did. To contract STI’s as he contracted STI’s.”
Those glasses are pretty…yeah, you know.
While reading his dissenting opinion in the Supreme Court’s ruling that denial of federal benefits to married same-sex couples is unconstitutional, Scalia loudly shouted that the whole ordeal was “GAAAAAY.”
“Hah!” reported Scalia. “GAAAAAYYYYY!”
Going on to break traditional decorum in an especially unconventional way, Scalia interrupted Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reading of his majority opinion by interjecting, “GAY! GAY GAY GAYYYYYY! SO GAY!”
Added Scalia, “So ghey.”
Breaking weeks of silence, Justice Clarence Thomas even chimed in as well.
“Haha,” said Thomas. “Yeah, pretty gay.”
In other news, Texas legislators have all agreed to reset their clocks, which, having not been calibrated for some time, tell the lawmakers it’s still 1953.
“Ich bin ein Wildcat”- President Kennedy.
Deceased President John Fitzgerald Kennedy today announced via televised press conference that he endorses fellow deceased President Andrew Jackson for the position of president of Northwestern University’s Associated Student Government.
Looking dapper as always and speaking directly to members of the NU student body, Kennedy said: “I trust yo-ah student body will wisely choose the right man for the job, Andrew Jackson. Not only is he qualified to carry on this institution’s dedication to racial and social equality, he has also promised to do absolutely nothing to enhance student life once elected, which is the express purpose of this office.”
Kennedy reminded the students, “Ask nawt what yo-ah university student govahment can do for you-ah, but… well, don’t ask, because they don’t know-er what they are supposed to do for you-ah. Honestly you should nawt expect much no matter what the result.”
When questioned why he was endorsing Old Hickory rather than one of the other candidates, Kennedy chose to speak candidly: “Look guys, you don’t know how much shit I have to take from Jackson and the rest now that it’s socially acceptable to make jokes about my assassination.” The conference was awkward thereafter.
Choosing to break the awkward silence, a heavily intoxicated Sophomore Comm student asked Kennedy whether he often had to put up with taunts in ‘President Heaven’, Kennedy responded: “Yes, er… uh… Heaven… that’s exactly what it is” and vanished in a burst of hellfire.
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.
While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.
But seriously.
The Tragedy: On Nov. 22, 1963, American president and lustful giver of penis John F. Kennedy was assassinated while driving in a motorcade through Dallas, Texas. Kennedy’s death robbed the nation of a popular president who had successfully told the Soviet Union do the fucking-itself thing, and robbed Kennedy of more of the blowjobs from Marilyn Monroe.
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Post-season rankings of the Supreme Court after one of the most crucial and contentious terms in the Court’s history.
Have you never seen a pair of amicus briefs before?
2. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
The Court’s oldest Justice goes hard in the paint. At an age when most other Americans are more concerned with driving 40 mph on the highway and shuttleboard, Ginsburg is holding up the liberal wing of the Court like it’s 1972. Right now, Ginsburg’s only concern is that her bff Kennedy isn’t so angry about today’s 5-4 decision that he calls off their annual end-of-term celebratory body shot of tequila on the Supreme Court steps.
3. Anthony Kennedy
The Court’s 5-time MVP is also it’s biggest tease, flaunting himself to both liberals and conservatives like a sorostitute five shots deep on Birthday Cake Smirnoff on a Thursday night. But just like that one Zeta you were hooking up with for like five minutes before she went to a different frat knows exactly what she wants, so too does Tony Kennedy: Liberty, free speech, Alito to stop referring to him as a “swinger,” and for somebody to please for the love of God explain the Citizens United ruling to him.
No other human on the planet has been described as “acerbic” as much as Scalia.
5. Sonia Sotomayor
Despite her numerous judicial strengths on the bench, Sotomayor continues to struggle with her biggest weakness: Insisting that she is a member of the Sharks, and refusing to speak to any members of the infamous Jet gang. This obsession reached a tipping point last week, when she nearly knifed Kennedy in a rumble.
6. Stephen Breyer
Still liberal. Still old. Still boring.
7. Samuel Alito
Alito suffered a major setback to his overall standings during Monday’s ruling on Arizona’s immigration law, when the Justice could not get Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” out of his head, and started humming it just as Scalia delivered his dissent. Although his misstep drew sharp glances from his peers, it was a welcome reprieve from Alito’s usual favorite, Chingy’s “Right Thurr.”
Moments before going on a beer run to get more High Life for the Court.
9. Clarence Thomas
Thomas seems uninterested in doing much to improve his Supreme Court ranking. In fact, he seems uninterested in the Supreme Court in general.
One is a shadowy coalition of aging individuals who wield tremendous power and influence over an American institution, untethered by the popular will of the people or sheer common sense. The other is the BCS. What if the Supreme Court modeled itself after the Bowl Championship Series?
PLAYOFFS!?!? You’re talking about PLAYOFFS???
Unnecessary Roughness
Now that America’s refs have entered the big time, they better clean up their game. Look for the Court to ixnay any lingering American laws or policies that constitute cruel or unusual punishment, like the death penalty, immigration law, or the past decade of Adam Sandler movies. Not that anything will keep Scalia from taking as many smug smarmy-ass cheap shots as he can. Or Thomas from getting flagged with illegal contact…
Future Chief Justice Tiffani
Arbitrary Rulings
To be fair, the BCS and the Supreme Court really aren’t too far away from one another on this one. When you think about it, rulings on pass interference and maritime law are pretty damn subjective. I still wonder what would have happened in Bush v. Gore if a national champion had been crowned by using an algorithm that weighed two different polls and six computer ranking systems, but I know for a fact that Ralph Nader would definitely be the Boise State in that hypothetical situation.
Free Speech
This Court loves expanding first amendment protections almost as much as Justice Alito loves whipping the other justices with a wet towel in the Supreme Locker Room after a long hard day of hearings (I presume). Excessive Celebration penalties will be the first to go, giving way to the tantalizing possibility of Justice Kagan and Justice Sotomayor performing the chicken dance every time they pull off a victory. Kennedy, meanwhile, will probably be selling off all the naming rights he can to the highest bidders, until TD Ameritrade’s logo is emblazoned on all of the Justice’s robes as they walk into the U.S. Cellular Courthouse.
If the Court is a rockin, don’t come a knockin.
Sherman Ave 