If The Name Of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver: 2013 Edition

For information on The Secretariat, watch any episode of Mad Men.

Last year, we received nearly ZERO death threats after turning every Kentucky Derby horse’s name into a sexual maneuver. Based on that success, we decided to try it again! We proudly ashamedly present the 2013 edition of If The Name Of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver:

Revolutionary: This move is typically only intended for couples who have lost some of that spark in the relationship. In practice, “Revolutionary” is essentially the same as missionary position, but throughout the act both parties attempt to convince the other that what they’re doing is especially novel and stimulating. The French variation of “Revolutionary” is almost entirely similar, except in 69 rather than missionary position and with a woman who refuses to shave her armpit hair.

Overanalyze: A thrilling sexual practice usually only attempted by the most experienced and mature couples, the “Overanalyze” entails taking all your clothes off, standing on opposite sides of the room from each other, and asking what the hell you’re doing with them. You were so pretty in high-school. He should be taller. Oh my god, what if this guy poked a hole in the condom and gets you pregnant? Are you ready for that?

Orb: WARNING: Not intended for anal insertion. For external use only. Batteries not included.

The Kentucky Derby Trip is Decadent and Depraved

Sherman Ave countercultural correspondent Evander Jones recounts last year’s drunken, debauched scene at the infield of Churchill Downs.

I GOT OFF the charter bus around midnight and no one spoke as I walked into the Seymour, Indiana Days Inn. The air was thick and hot, like wandering into the men’s bathroom of the Keg. Inside, people hugged each other and shook hands … big grins and a whoop here and there: “By God! You old bastard! Come here bro.”

In the air-conditioned lounge I met an Econ major who said his name was something or other — “but just call me Jimbo” — and he was here to get it on. “I’m ready for anything, by God! Anything at all. Yeah, what are you drinkin?” I ordered a Margarita with ice, but he wouldn’t hear of it: “Naw, naw … what the hell kind of drink is that for Kentucky Derby time? What’s wrong with you, boy?” He grinned and winked at the bartender. “Goddam, we gotta educate this boy. Get him some good whiskey … ”

I shrugged. “Okay, a double Old Fitz on ice.” Jimbo nodded his approval.

If The Name of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver

Surprisingly, only one of these involves sexual intercourse with a horse.

With the Kentucky Derby little more than a day away, Ross Packingham and Parrty Cat sat down to combine their three greatest passions in life: gambling, horses, and sex.

Optimizer – A woman uses a vibrating Transformer to provide herself with sexual stimulation.

Take Charge Indy – A woman engages in sexual intercourse with Ron Artest and Peyton Manning simultaneously.

Union Rags – A man ejaculates into a pile of rags, and proceeds to throw the rags at people participating in a labor strike.

Rousing Sermon – Two people engage in sexual intercourse while the man reads excerpts from Jonathan Edwards’ “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”

Dullahan – Named after the sexual stylings of the famous Irish general Sean Dullahan, this move consists of a threesome involving Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.

Creative Cause – Two people find a very creative reason to engage in sexual intercourse, such as Maundy Thursday or the anniversary of John F. Kennedy Jr.’s death.

Trinniberg – A woman engages in sexual intercourse with Trinniberg, a racehorse.

Daddy Nose Best – A father sexually stimulates his daughter and her friends using only his nose.

Bodemeister – Two people engage in sexual intercourse in the presence of Olympic athlete Bode Miller in a pool of Jaegermeister.

Alpha – A man gathers a group of 24 Greek women, and engages in sexual intercourse with the one whose name is first alphabetically.

Daddy Long Legs – Someone beat us to the punch.

Prospective – Popular on college campuses, this maneuver consists of a college student engaging in sexual intercourse with a high school junior or senior visiting said college.

Went the Day Well – Any series of sexual acts that begins at sunrise and continues through nightfall without pause.

Hanson – Two people engage in sexual intercourse while listening to “Mmm Bop” on loop.

Gemologist – A man engages in sexual intercourse with a woman, then proceeds to study the science of natural and artificial gems and gemstones.

El Padrino – Spanish for “The Sponsor,” this maneuver consists of intercourse sponsored by a large institution, like Chuck E. Cheese or ASPCA.

Bonus points if you hit the hat.

Done Talking – In this maneuver, the woman stops talking; this is one of the most difficult sexual maneuvers to achieve successfully.

Sabercat – A female gets gangbanged by the entire San Jose Sabercats arena football team.

I’ll Have Another – This one should be relatively self-explanatory.

Liaison – Two men communicate with one another by ejaculating messages onto a woman’s chest and sending her back and forth to convey the messages.

My Adonis – A man goes into a kid’s maze full of mirrors and masturbates for as long as possible before getting arrested.

–Ross Packingham and Parrty Cat