2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review

These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events.

The Top 16 Biggest Reasons

1. Because that stock photo is not going to write a clever caption for itself.

2. Because cancer is not something you can joke about.

3. Because Ice Cube’s feature film Are We There Yet? (2005) is this generation’s seminal social commentary, setting an example for future discussions on the ramifications of divorce for young children as well as discussions on American race relations, using its title to pose the rhetorical question of whether we have reached, or perhaps if we shall ever reach, a post-racial America.

Hey Everybody Look at This Funny Video I Found That No One Else Has Talked About Yet

Hi everyone.  Prince Giblets here.  Hope you’re all wrapping up with school stuff and are nice and ready for Thanksgiving.

I’ll make this quick.  I just wanted to tell all of you about this really funny video I just found.  It’s with the fat guy from Freaks and Geeks and then the – well, actually, let me back up. 

Obama to commemorate JFK by sleeping with Kim Kardashian

via celebuzz.com

WASHINGTON– President Obama announced in a nationally televised address Thursday that he will commemorate the legacy of the late President John F. Kennedy, who was shot and killed 50 years ago in Dallas, by having regular sexual intercourse with Kim Kardashian.

“We have a solemn duty as Americans to remember President Kennedy’s legacy each and every day,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “To live as he lived. To do as he did. To contract STI’s as he contracted STI’s.”

Sherman Ave Interviews: Renee Engeln-Maddox (Part 2 of 2)

Earlier this summer, Sherman Ave editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III interviewed Psychology professor and Allison Hall live-in Renee Engeln-Maddox at Sherman Ave Headquarters.  If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, it’s because that’s what happens when we decide to wait to publish interviews for three months due to reasons.

Read Part 1 here.

The professor who will forever be remembered as “the one who couldn’t remember twerk or flabongo.”

———————————————————————————–

Packingham: When someone asks you what courses you teach, do you ever just go, “Intro to SIIIIIIKE!” and punch them in the genitals?

[silence]

Renee: If I’d thought of it…

Twattingworth: Follow-up, will you start doing that now?

Renee: Do I have to punch them? Cause that could hurt my back. What about like a kick? Or a knee? And I’d have to do the “SIIIIIIKE!” better than that. You need to get the “IIIIIIIII” a little higher.

Sherman Ave Interviews: Gary Saul Morson

The Sherman Ave Editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III sat down with Professor Gary Saul Morson for an interview.  It was in Cosi. Everyone had fun.

He doesn’t care, he loves it.

Twattingworth: Where are you from?

Morson:  New York.

Twattingworth: Oh.  I think it was Pushkin who called New York the “concrete jungle where dreams are made of.”

Morson:  Oh come on.

Twattingworth: Is that an accurate description of your hometown?

Morson:  Pushkin never said any such thing.

Packingham:  It was either Pushkin or Jay-Z.  I understand you went to Yale?

Morson:  I did.

Packingham:  Is it weird being an alumnus of an institution that most of your students wanted to attend but weren’t smart enough?

“UUUUUUGGGGHHH” Reports Nation After Discovering the Name of Kanye and Kim Kardashian’s New Baby

Baby’s first movie deal.

LOS ANGELES – Upon hearing the news that the first name of Kanye West’s new born daughter is “North” – as in “Hello, class. Everyone say hi to North West and feel free to make fun of her until she has crippling emotional damage” – the world’s population let out a simultaneous groan, followed by

The Sherman Ave 2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game: Town Hall Edition

Well, democracy is back in action tomorrow night, and as such you will likely want to cry a lot about all of the things. But you should not do that. Instead, you should do what I do when I feel sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story!

You know how you can be awesome (besides applying to write for The Ave)? By playing fun games with us. This fun game is funner than most fun games because it involves the drinks! So sit on down, grab a beverage, turn on the debate, play The Sherman Ave 2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game, and pretend you have a friend.

THIS MUTHAFUCKAS NAME IS MITT.

Take one sip every time…

• Obama brings up the 47% video. Take two sips if he’s obviously really proud of himself for remembering to bring up Romney’s biggest gaffe this time around.
• Romney shouts “JUST LIKE LAST TIME, BITCH” after every zinger.
• Either candidate says “middle class,” “unemployment,” “economy,” “Libya,” “labia,” “Iraq,” “hein-daddy,” “taxes,” “Kim Kardashian,” “hard-working,” “butt-chugging,” “failure,” “turnaround,” “recovery,” “recovering alcoholic,” or “America.”
• Obama chugs a Red Bull.
• Romney responds to a question by playing a clip of the last debate on his iPad. Waterfall if after he exits out of the video everyone can see desktop background and it’s a picture of a scantily-clad Michelle Obama and then everyone’s like, “SAY WHAAA NOW??”
• An audience member asking a question looks like they just shat themselves a lot.
• The grammar in an audience member’s question makes you want to punch the young children.
• Obama criticizes Romney’s record at Bain Capital. Two sips if Romney responds by making it rain.
• Either millionaire on stage explains how they too were once one of The Poors.

Take one gulp every time…

Excuse me, my sunglasses are UP HERE.

• The cameraman finds a hot girl in a halter-top in the bleachers to show instead of the game.
• Obama and Romney talk over each other.
• Romney talks about Paul Ryan, or Obama avoids talking about Joe Biden.
• Romney flips. Two gulps when he flops.
• Obama takes a nap at the podium.
• Romney asks is he has a “phone a friend” option and tries to call Sheldon Adelson. Two gulps if Adelson makes him clarify that Romney is an “employee” not a “friend.”

Finish that drank every time…

• The audience breaks into a flash mob to “I Want Candy” and lol this whole election was actually part of an elaborate gag to throw a surprise birthday party for debate moderator Candy Crowley and I think it worked haha she looks so surprised!!!
• Obama orders a drone strike on every state Mitt Romney claims he’s from.
• Romney buys the White House.
• Donald Trump is mentioned.
• Obama brings Biden in to celeb shot the answer to an abortion question.

Pour your drink all over your face and let it drip slowly down your chest every time…

• The candidates shake hands. DO IT.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Like us on The Book for more of The Heinous, and follow us on Twitter for a live tweet of the debate!

Happy Chick-Fil-A Day: 3 Things that are Actually Destroying the Sanctity of Marriage in America

Hmmmmm……..

Happy Chick-Fil-A day!

First, I’m going to point out that bitching about how someone’s interpretation of the Bible is wrong isn’t going to change their beliefs. Then I’m going to bitch about anti-gay crusaders’ interpretation of the Bible.

“The sanctity of marriage,” according to my translation of some people’s opinion, is a statement that presumably means that marriage is a Rull Special Thang. By letting just anyone marry, it’s not Rull Special anymore. Okay, got it. But the strategy so far (convert every LGBTQ in America by invalidating their feelings and telling them that they’re aberrations?) hasn’t really worked. If we’re gonna go down the road of preserve-marriage-by-making-it-only-available-to-some, we should bar a few others as well. Or just assassinate them, cause I’d be down with that.

1. Bruno Mars
Finish this sentence:

“It’s a beautiful night. We’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I want to __.”

Get Northwasted with ShermanAviators and attempt to pee on every building on campus while singing an impromptu a capella Katy Perry/Adele mashup? No, I’m sure you’re aware that that’s Ross Packingham’s sole purpose in life. Host a Winnie the Pooh-themed squaredance and kidnap someone’s mom because you want an even number to play Flipcup? No, that doesn’t rhyme. Beat the shit out of a homeless dude? Apparently at least three assholes who need to die painfully are into that, but the author and vessel of these words has a much more sinister plot.  Bruno Mars, who according to a recent poll has swiped the v-cards of 35% of teenage girls during their algebra daydreams,* wants to marry you.

…the fuck??

Look, B-mizzle, your name and your voice sound like they belong to a small ugly dog or a European pseudo-manslut. I’m sick of hearing your song about a completely uneventful day. And the assholes in this world who are offended by two people enjoying one anothers’ penises should really just calm the fuck down and be offended by Bruno Mars instead. This Motherfucker is partaking in the drink of the devil and clearly hasn’t asked her father’s permission. I’d mention that love isn’t exactly a central theme of the song, but the sacred kinds of marriage are apparently built on sanctity and not love, or no one would GAF.

Hell, at least Train was going to wait until he got the nerve to say hello in that café.

Hello Cleaveland!!!

2. Kim Kardashian
I wish that, for every small child that was given a homophobic protest sign by a Bigoted Motherfucker, another small child would be given a sign that said, “For the love of whatever God you believe in, stop media coverage of this woman.” While I congratulate her on having an admirable pair of boobies, only a woman desperate for companionship would marry someone who has the word “hump” in his name. She has also casually tossed the idea around of marrying her current beau, and I am convinced that living with Kanye West would be almost as bad as reading Ross Packingham’s Facebook powertrips.

Look, let’s all just agree that the Kardashian family is a few hookers short of a brothel and one letter short of a really fucked-up set of initials. Now who wants to take bets on when the number of how many weddings she’s had will exceed her bust measurement?

3. Anyone in Las Vegas
Enough said.

 

I will conclude this pathetic rant with the semi-relevant words of Commandant Leo Sextoi: “Bitches be too pretentious and uptight.”

 

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is heinous. The other is as though everything is heinous.” – Albert Einstein

 

——————————————————————————————————————————
*second only to Justin Bieber, who regularly performs cunnilingus on young women while they avoid focusing on whatever the fuck their stupid English teacher is saying.