Here at the Ave, we are devoted to promoting and disseminating positive images throughout the internet. Which is why it’s time you salty motherfuckers finally learned a thing or two about profile pictures. The following profile poses are to Facebook as the music of Creed is to all that is holy.
Duckface Mirror pics
If you are standing in your bathroom taking your own picture YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE YOURSELF LOOKING LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN COURTNEY LOVE FUCKED A PLATYPUS. Same goes for this pose’s older sister, “Selfie From A Downward Angle,” otherwise known as the “Please Note That Contrary To Popular Opinion I Have Some Cleavage” shot.
Honestly, I don’t get it: society has put more effort into attempting to stigmatize the duckface and all its permutations than attempting to render urinal conversations between strangers dishonorable. And somehow it’s still a pervasive problem.
Head Tilt Hair Toss
Hey Head, can you please embody the sentiment of “I want so badly to be horizontal with you if you catch my drift that I might just fall over now srrrssssly though I’m rully off-balance”? Now Hair, subjugate the entire photo with your dyed n’ fried luster. Okay, everybody look natural!
Kissing the Significant Other
You had to ask a third party take that photo for you. You literally subjected another human being to the sight of your slightly-less-than-moderately-attractive bodies pressed against one another in an outward simulation of affection. You posted that picture with the knowledge that most of your Facebook friends will become reunited with their long-lost lunches upon sight of this desperate attempt to document that you are indeed capable and worthy of love.
The only way that this is even slightly acceptable is if that photo is the documentation of the foursome about to take place between you, your lover, the photographer, and that seagull in the frame that’s clearly scoping you out. Otherwise, please go buttchug arsenic.
Skinny Arm A) Used Seriously
OH MY GOD UR HAIR LOOKS ZOOO PRETTY
Use of the skinny arm is strongly correlated with use of Head Tilt Hair Toss. Use of the Head Tilt Hair Toss is strongly correlated with Everyone Thinks You’re A Dumbfuck Ass-souffle With A Lobotomy.
Just be careful, kids.
B) Used Ironically
You’re encouraging them. Stop encouraging them.
Arm Around Badly Cropped Friend
You douchebag. That’s probably the only guy that had the cajones to be around you after The Cucumber Incident in high school sex ed, and you clearly don’t deserve him. Instead of appreciating his presence in your life, you decided that you look so damn good in that picture that you didn’t need him. Or maybe he was the good-looking one, and you realized that you pale in comparison. Whatever the reason, your subpar skills with the “crop” button make you look like a frattier and significantly less attractive Bethany Hamilton. Reevaluate your life, you stupid fuck.
Look, I get it. I’m a Sherman Ave writer; we love pretending we’re attractive too. But in all seriousness, stop spending all your funtime trying to look good on Facebook. Because you probably don’t.
Also like in baseball, there's usually a pitcher and a catcher.
There’s a question we all ask our single friends regularly, usually when they show up looking unkempt, worried, and possibly pregnant.
“How far did you get with them?”
This is a question that SEEMS like it would have simple answers. “I let him touch my vagina.” “I touched her vagina,” “We started to get naked but I ejaculated prematurely,” these are all reasonable responses. But, for whatever reasons, (mostly embarrassment) people never give these answers. Instead they rely on euphemisms, the most popular of which is “The Base System.”
Which would be fine, that’s cool guys, its totally fair to equate sex to baseball – they’re both exhausting team-sports that are hard to watch for more than ten minutes – and, just like baseball, I don’t really understand the rules. But if we’re going to use a base system, we need to have one common definition for all the bases. And right now, that consensus does not exist. Is first base kissing? Does tongue have to be involved? Where does tactile vaginal contact fall? Boobs? What about BOOBS?! WHO’S GOING TO TALK ABOUT BOOBS?!
Don’t worry, we will. And at great length.
Anyway, here are the two different ways you can interpret the base system. Which one is right? Sound off in the poll below.
FIRST BASE
Sometimes you can just guess...
Point, by Sad Bones Malone
First base inhabits this weird realm of ambiguity. Everyone understands that kissing is involved in some capacity, but this begs the question: “how much kissing?” We both agree that a peck does not constitute first base, but I feel that to actually get to first base, you have to be “making out.” There is an underlying expectation that there’s a little bit of hands, and a little bit more action than a single kiss. It should be a semi-extended duration that might involve a little bit of exploration. First base contains a whole host of operations — hickeys, ear-play, fondling — these are all entry actions to the sexual experience. And since first base is the entry way to the other bases, all these activities are constituted within first base.
Counterpoint, by Manua Hiki-Hiki
You have to be kidding me!? I mean, you have to do a little exploring in the land of the mouth to be considered “at first base,” but first base does not mean you have to be searching for the hidden realm of the esophagus. First base is an important step, but IT’S JUST THE FIRST FUCKING BASE!!! Using your definition as first base is like saying you don’t know anything about geography until you know the capital of Zimbabwe (you should really look into learning that though, as Harare is bomb as Hell). Next thing you’re going to tell me is that I have to be inside a girl’s pants to be at second base. Like, really? Really?!?
SECOND BASE
Although he's usually hopelessly out of breath by the time he rounds third.
Point, by Manua Hiki-Hiki
Actually, let me just preempt what I expect will be your naively asinine answer: There’s no way being inside a girl’s pants qualifies as second base. I have far too much reverence for the vagina to place it at such an easily accessible base. If a 500-pound bear-creature named Prince Fielder can make it to second-base in a game of baseball, then searching the mystical vagina cannot be second-base – because second base is PRETTY FUCKING EASY to get to. Want to know what’s not easy to get to? The Vagina. Therefore, those two things cannot be equivalent — it’s math. We all know the real second base: Boobtown. Boobtown is a very important step and deserves its own base. You cannot neglect boobs. Boobs are awesome. Getting to touch a girl’s boobs is like riding a bike for the first time: both are important landmarks in your life, both cause a big sense of accomplishment… and I ejaculated after both. All excitement issues aside, boobs are very important in the grand scheme of the “game of love” and deserve their own base.
Counterpoint, by Bad Bones Malone
Listen guys, I don’t want you to think I’m coming from the wrong place. I love boobs, and I have the upmost respect for boobs — in fact, some of my best friends are boobs. But if we only have three bases to work with, boobs aren’t deserving of their own landmark.
She just has... so much... you know... CHARACTER!!!
Because, as much as I like boobs, they aren’t even close to being equal the vagina. When a guy gets drunk and gets a little boob-gropey it’s “a little creepy,” when a man decides to go straight for vaginas it’s “a little bit of a felony.” Those lines are drawn for a reason, the vagina is simply far, far more important than boobs.
The fact that boobs don’t get their own base also has to do with the function of the base-system — it’s shorthand that can be used to denote romantic progress. And, while I’m sure it was nice, I don’t really care if you touched a girls boobs. We aren’t in junior high anymore. Boobs get touched all the time — and if you’re making out with a girl it’s not an unreasonable jump to assume you might have felt her up. If you’re using the proper definition of first base — my version — then you’ve already covered fondling anyway. Congratulations.
The first time you touch a girl’s vagina is important — it’s the first time you have a chance to let her fake an orgasm (laaaaadies), which as far as I’m concerned is the EXPRESS PURPOSE OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY.
So if you’re going to chart the progression of sexual activity, then you better fucking have a stop reserved for the first time you take an action that actually ends where you’re trying to go.
THIRD BASE Consensus: I think we can all agree here: Once the trouser dragon has entered the salivary sea, you’re at third base.
HOME Consensus: If you’ve solved the coital conundrum, you’re home.
The proposed base systems have been researched by many a student at Harvard, Princeton, and other places where these things never occur… and that is why we need your help. Vote in the poll below and help solve history’s second most important Trojan War (ahhh, get it? Trojan. Like the condom. SEX).
Sherman Ave 
