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Tag Archives: Klondike

Predicting the hottest trends of 2014: Bouncy Castles, the Internet, and Miranda Cosgrove, oh my

18 Jan

With every new year comes new fashions and trends. Last year we had twerking, the Harlem Shake, Miley Cyrus, masturbating while crying, and Klondike® bars. What will be hip, hop, and happening in 2014? Our expert analysts have done some digging to find out.

1. Miranda Cosgrove

Some call her the “Next Miley Cyrus,” others say they knew her back when she was just that annoying girl from School of Rock (Summer Wheatley, Class Factotum). When she stars in the next Hunger Games movie, she will become the newest sensation, until things start to hit rock bottom when the fame gets to her head. Her heroin addiction, only discovered when she passes out from an overdose on her first nude photoshoot, will be what puts her firmly in the spotlight for the year.

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Championship Round | Sherman Ave Presents: Best Winter Quarter Distros 2014

18 Nov

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After four grueling rounds, here we are. It’s been a long and hard road for Modern Cosmology and Psych Stats, who both faced a process more strenuous and harrowing than registering for classes on CAESAR to reach the Championship Round in the first annual Best Winter Quarter Distro Bracket Challenge, sponsored by Klondike®! 32 courses entered, but only one can be crowned as the best embodiment of all the qualities that should comprise a distro: Easy, interesting, and compatible with the side-effects of early-onset collegiate alcoholism and/or nihilism.

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Final Four | Sherman Ave Presents: Best Winter Quarter Distros 2014

13 Nov

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It was never meant to be this way. Four rounds in to this heinous, heinous bracket challenge sponsored by Klondike®!, we’re left with just as much uncertainty as we began with. No one man, woman, or Vice President of Student Affairs could have conceived that we’d be here today, discussing the relative merits of banging your mother after going all Jack Ruby on good old pops Athenian Drama. Be honest, who could have foreseen Psych Stats smashing through the competition like Professor Gorvine on Miley’s wrecking ball? Sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes Food and Society is cut down in its prime, just one of the four #1 seeds dropped like you’ll be dropping Econometrics next quarter.

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Four Things About Women All Guys Should Know

12 Nov

Dear men,
Someday, if you’re lucky, you might have a wife or girlfriend.* And there’s a lot you don’t know. Hell, you’ve barely found the clitoris.

Ignorance is a huge turn-off. How can a lady ever trust you to kill her spiders if you’re still terrified and confused by the dry cottonwads that inhabit women’s vaginas when your dick isn’t in there?

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Students Paying $60,000 a Year for Education Able to Correctly Identify Weather Conditions

11 Nov

EVANSTON, Ill. – Students who pay approximately $45,120 a year on college tuition alone proved this afternoon that they have the ability to properly identify the weather condition of “snow,” the climatological phenomenon by which incredibly small droplets of frozen water, each one unique and infinitesimally defined, fall from the sky.

“OMG SNOW IS HERE SO HAPPY #LetItSnow,” reported Christina Schwartzman (Medill ’16), who by the end of her college career will have suffered over $240,000 in educational costs in order to net herself a successful marketing job, via her Twitter account. This sentiment was contrasted by Weinberg Junior Clark Collins, a young man who will one day found his own Smartphone-based tech startup, who tweeted “Snow already ughhhhh #TooEarly.”

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Sherman Ave Presents: Best Winter Quarter Distros 2014, Sweet 16

7 Nov

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32 distros entered. Only 16 survived the critical gaze of our voters to advance to the division semifinals in the vaunted Distro of the Quarter 2K14 challenge, sponsored by Klondike®!

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Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: A&O Blowout

9 Oct

This Friday, A&O (which stands for something, but literally no one knows what) is hosting a concert featuring a black musical act preceded by a white musical act that guy from Community, and some band that you don’t listen to, but that one girl from your dorm who ironically wears the same glasses as your grandpa listens to.  It’s at some time, probably at night.[1]  There will also be Morty Schapiro a special guest.  They actually do this concert every fall, they host it at our basketball arena (Welsh-Ryan), and they call it A&O Blowout.

The site of what will certainly be the greatest experience of the latter half of one of your Fridays.

The site of what will certainly be the greatest experience of the latter half of one of your Fridays.

Now, you’re a freshman, and the only concert experience you’ve ever had is that one time you went with your mom to see John Mayer and had to uncomfortably listen to her sing along with “Your Body is a Wonderland”.  You’re in college now, and after almost four weeks on campus you think you’ve pretty much got everything down pat.  So since there’s this concert being held very close to campus that’s like super cheap, you’re probably thinking, “fuck yeah, let’s go!”  And you should go.  Attending Blowout is a freshman rite-of-passage; you go your first year here, realize it’s kinda meh, and then never go again.[2]  That being said, it definitely doesn’t have to be meh; you can have a great time, as long as you know what to do and what to expect.  So let Sherman Ave fill you in with the deets.  You trust us, right?

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8 Adorable Kittens that are Members of the Westboro Baptist Church

14 Sep

So we all know kittens are super, duper cute. Nothing can change that – not even if the kittens in question are hyper-bigoted homophobes. Here are some kittens that will definitely make you say “it’s the 21st century – it’s time to accept America as the great diverse nation it is!”

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