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Tag Archives: Knicks

Knicks sign John Shurna, mistake any guard from elite academic institution for Jeremy Lin

11 Sep

John Shurna, Northwestern’s all-time leading scorer and all-time leading “almost going to the tournamenter,” has been signed by the New York Knicks. Of the National Basketball Association. The same league that has the Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers of Anaheim, and a host of other professional or semi-pro teams.

No seriously, this is a thing that has happened.

I’M ONLY GETTING STARTED, I WON’T SHURNOUT.

I wasn’t there because the Knicks refuse to give me press credentials for their top-level meetings or anything at all, but I assume the conversation that led to Shurna’s signing went like this:

Knicks GM Glen Grunwald: “So we lost Lin? Fuck.”

Knicks head coach Mike Woodson: “Yeah, he was the only reason anyone in their right mind would not despise this thoroughly detestable organization.”

Grunwald: “Well, we’ll have to replace him. Any thoughts?”

Woodson: “I mean, Lin was a phenom out of Harvard and I think that all guards from elite academic institutions are interchangeable. Let’s see who Princeton’s got.”

Grunwald: “No, they’ve been to the NCAA Tournament. I want someone from a school with a tourney-less streak like Harvard’s.”

Woodson: “Northwestern it is. Who’s that guy, Hernia?”

Grunwald: “We shall sign him at once, so long as he has delightfully high arcing shots and appears to be a 12-year-old boy.”

Again, no confirmation from the Knickerbockers that this is what happened, or that they even get my daily emails >:-(, but this is totally what happened.

The great thing here is that the Knicks have no idea what they’ve just lucked into. Not only is Shurn-daddy a natural shooter and skilled defender with a free throw percentage above 90%, but they have just signed a veritable marketing machine.

Look at this face. LOOK AT IT. Now stop looking at it before you get sad. This is the face that will launch a thousand endorsements. Move over Jeter, J-Shurn is the new face of Gillette: The Best First Razor a Pre-Pubescent Boy Can Get.  And lets not act like Johnny Boy wouldn’t make the perfect spokesman for all kinds of mocktails and non-alcoholic beers. Not to mention, there has GOT to be a way to get the Babyfaced Assassin involved in the next Bourne movie if they even make one because honestly what is that series without Matt Damon? But yeah. Anyway… Just get him on a couple of dates with Kendall Jenner and BOOM, Madison Ave will love him even more than Sherman Ave.

LOL, you forgot the part where I have God on my side.

And the fans will love him even more than the advertisers. Linsanity? Botch plz. Gimme Shurnacity any day of the week, except for Sundays which are for hot steamy hookups between Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall. Or Saturdays, which are designated for shitting gracefully upon whomever the Wildkittiez of NU happen to be playing. Probably not weekdays either for the next few weeks cause the MLB Postseason is coming up and there is NOTHING like October baseball. But at some point in the future, I’ll want Shurnacity. Maybe.

So, to the New York Knicks: No, not every lanky guard from a top school is Jeremy Lin. But that might just be a good thing. While Jeremy Lin rose to the pinnacle of the sport in a matter of hours, Shurna has proven to be a great leader when you’re losing. Ya know, to the Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers of Anaheim, and a host of other professional or semi-pro teams in the National Basketball Association.

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Awkward White Kid Shows Up On New York Knicks Bench

11 Sep

They can’t get rid of him.

Update: An explanation.

The Pros and Cons of the NBA Lockout

21 Nov

Dear God, please don't force us to follow the NHL instead

Tense labor relations have always held a special place in America, from the Pullman Strike of 1894 to the recent Writers Guild strike that cost the American entertainment industry $500 million and Jay Leno the remaining shreds of his humor. But this year’s NBA lockout ranks among the more important and entertaining labor wars in U.S. history, pitting millionaires against mega-millionaires in one of the most asinine power struggles since Congress appointed a joint committee to reduce the debt.

Now, with the NBPA rejecting David Stern’s ultimatum and sending negotiations into a “nuclear winter,” the 2011-2012 NBA season is in more danger than an intoxicated Freshman girl in the 3rd floor of SAE. Besides not having to pay $55 for nosebleed seats to watch the Bulls play the Timberwolves in one of the least inspired athletic performances since Shaq in Kazaam, here are the pros and cons of losing this year’s entire NBA season to the lockout.

PROS

Do you see a ring on this finger?

LeBron James Goes Another Season without a Ring
With a quarter of the season cancelled so far and the rest of the season in jeopardy, it seems likely that the Whore of Akron will be blue balled for yet another year. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of King James barnstorming with All-Stars in high school gymnasiums is an awesome idea. I just hope that the players spring for trained CPR professionals to be on hand for when LeBron chokes in the fourth quarter.

Increased Focus on College Basketball
Without pro basketball, we can all devote more attention to the real games. Not that watching the Toronto Raptors play the Oklahoma City Thunder isn’t fascinating, but I’d much rather watch student athletes give it their all night after night than watch Blake Griffin dunk on the Trail Blazers. And when it comes to the playoffs, Virginia Commonwealth beating Kansas offers far more suspense and drama than the Celtics beating the Knicks in four straight games.

The Fall of David Stern
Who knew that a miniscule white man could be so goddamn overbearing? The same commissioner who instituted a dress code to make players look less “urban” has managed to lose both control over the owners and the trust of the players with his negotiating tactics that make Stalin look like Neville Chamberlain on estrogen. The smugly arrogant man did great things for basketball, but his days seem numbered.

Wait, they ACTUALLY call travelling over here!?

Turkish Basketball
With the signing of All-Star Deron Williams, Beşiktaş Milangaz immediately became a Turkish Basketball League powerhouse. With the possible addition of Kevin Love, Carlos Boozer, and Luol Deng, the Fighting Black Eagles have a chance to be the 1995-1996 Chicago Bulls of the EuroChallenge. And nothing beats watching 8,000 screaming Turks watching a basketball game.

CONS

Increased Focus on Northwestern Basketball
More time to devote to college basketball means more time to devote to Northwestern basketball, which means more time to suffer from heartbreaking embarrassment. Seeing as the Wildcats have yet to reach the NCAA Tournament, and hasn’t even finished above fourth place in the Big Ten since the Tet Offensive, the odds seem a bit stacked against us. Although it certainly does feel good to dominate the Texas-Pan American Broncos, even an NIT win would feel pretty good.

Thank goodness we still have the Puppy Bowl

ESPN Programming Post-Super Bowl
ESPN’s programming after the Super Bowl and March Madness can get pretty dire before baseball season starts up again even in non-lockout years. But without basketball highlights, SportsCenter won’t have anything to discuss besides the top 100 greatest chessboxers of all time, while ESPN broadcasts nothing but Cheese Chasing and arena football at night.

No Derrick Rose
Probably one of the most tragic aspects of the lockout is that it prevents us from watching Derrick Rose lead the Bulls with his lightning-quick crossover and fearlessness in the key. The MVP is the pointguard of Thibodeau’s dreams, and has been key to the the Bulls’ recent success. If I miss out on the opportunity to watch Rose because a lot of rich men want to be richer, I might punch the nearest kitten.

A much simpler time in basketball history

Loss of Greed and Theatricality
The NBA has a stunning lack for both, and both the players and the managers have displayed their inordinate desire to get more than they need (or deserve), and to try and look good while they do it. No American sports league has ever had a higher average salary. It’s difficult to side with either party while they bicker over how much they should profit from Tomahawk jams and jersey sales, cancelling games and fucking over not just the fans, but every NBA arena employee trying to support their families by selling $9 bottles of Miller Genuine Draft to season ticket holders.