WTF is going on with Alison Gold’s ‘Chinese Food’ music video

0-0:11 I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. I THINK IT’S SOMETHING ABOUT NOODLES.

0:12-0:15 omg the noodles gave birth to a rainbow

A Sonnet for the Evanston City Council

Shall I compare thee to a bag of dicks?

Thou art more floppy; tougher to inflate:

Rough winds do shake the flaccid shafts like sticks,

And just one bag hath all too light a weight:

Sometime too short a baggèd dick may stand,

and often is the tan complexion dimm’d;

And many dicks do find themselves unmanned,

With pubic hairs so horribly untrimm’d;

But thy bag-dickery, it shall not fade,

Thy dicks are forged in all thy shitty pride;

With character as cunty as Dwayne Wade,

The strength of all thy dicks shall not subside.

A late-night mugging I will have in store;

if shuttles stop at Sherman/Noyes no more.

Italian Madness

Wait, that’s not the David!

I’ve begun to wonder what marks the difference between sanity and madness.

Sure, I’ve been reading Moby Dick off and on, you know, for pleasure.  And of course the diary of an Italian suicide that I’m studying doesn’t particularly pop with, let’s say, cheeriness.

Why Language Teachers are the Same as Stalkers

Why exactly do you need to know about all the body parts in a foreign language?

Does that sound crazy to you? Maybe, after I give you the low-down, you’ll be one step closer to realizing that Madame BumbleBrioche could possibly be looking into your windows at night. Don’t underestimate the power of the foreign language textbook. It acts so innocently until it jumps out of the bushes and asks you a multitude of questions. After a brief epiphany with a gorgeous gal named Katherine in class today, I’ve realized the truth. I’ve studied 6 languages in my life, and 4 of them perfectly apply to my theory that language teachers are identical to stalkers. (Latin is unfortunately a “dead” language, and the Thai I studied was merely survival vocabulary to get around the city and village and prostitutes).

Think about the questions these language textbooks ask you. I’m going to pull out a selection from my French textbook for you to evaluate:

What’s your name?
How old are you?
Where are you from?
Do you live in a dormitory or in a house?
What do you do?
What do you like to do?
What is your phone number?
When do you eat?
When do you study?
When do you go to sleep?
What do you want to do?
Who do you know?
Who are your parents?
Who’s in your family?
Who are your friends?
What did you do last weekend?
What is the weather like where you are?
What does your family do?
Were you alone last night?
Did you go out with friends last night?
Do you have a petit(e) ami(e)? (Boyfriend/Girlfriend)
What classes are you taking?
What is your schedule?
What do you do on the weekends?
Are you going out of town?
What are you doing this summer?
Do you like to travel?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO AFTER CLASS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO MY WHITE VAN WITH CANDY AND NO WINDOWS?

How do you say "I have candy and a gamecube in my van" in French?

Maybe not the last one so much, but I digress. So next time you open up your language textbook, question yourself and question your teacher. Are they looking for this information for a particular reason? Who knows who’s actually grading your tests. Oh yeah, it definitely helps your number skills to recite your phone number a couple of times. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

ALL I SEE ARE PEDOBEARS IN MY TEXTBOOK.

Happy learning languages!