Pope Francis I: “New Church Album Will Rock”

A shirtless Pope Francis, on tour supporting his album White Smoke Rising.

VATICAN — The recently elected Pope Francis I announced that the Catholic Church’s forthcoming album will have “more of a New Testament element.”

The heavyweights of Christ’s gospel and godfathers of the Christian genre are looking to release tracks later this year, but will not deviate far from the mantra that made them one of the millennia’s most followed acts.

Luis Antonio Tagle, the Archibishop of Manila and synth player in the Church, said, “When we were working on Benedict XVI, we got caught up in a lot of great experimental stuff.  It was a much softer period.  Our next papacy is going to be good and it’s going to sound great when played loud!”

Why Language Teachers are the Same as Stalkers

Why exactly do you need to know about all the body parts in a foreign language?

Does that sound crazy to you? Maybe, after I give you the low-down, you’ll be one step closer to realizing that Madame BumbleBrioche could possibly be looking into your windows at night. Don’t underestimate the power of the foreign language textbook. It acts so innocently until it jumps out of the bushes and asks you a multitude of questions. After a brief epiphany with a gorgeous gal named Katherine in class today, I’ve realized the truth. I’ve studied 6 languages in my life, and 4 of them perfectly apply to my theory that language teachers are identical to stalkers. (Latin is unfortunately a “dead” language, and the Thai I studied was merely survival vocabulary to get around the city and village and prostitutes).

Think about the questions these language textbooks ask you. I’m going to pull out a selection from my French textbook for you to evaluate:

What’s your name?
How old are you?
Where are you from?
Do you live in a dormitory or in a house?
What do you do?
What do you like to do?
What is your phone number?
When do you eat?
When do you study?
When do you go to sleep?
What do you want to do?
Who do you know?
Who are your parents?
Who’s in your family?
Who are your friends?
What did you do last weekend?
What is the weather like where you are?
What does your family do?
Were you alone last night?
Did you go out with friends last night?
Do you have a petit(e) ami(e)? (Boyfriend/Girlfriend)
What classes are you taking?
What is your schedule?
What do you do on the weekends?
Are you going out of town?
What are you doing this summer?
Do you like to travel?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO AFTER CLASS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO MY WHITE VAN WITH CANDY AND NO WINDOWS?

How do you say "I have candy and a gamecube in my van" in French?

Maybe not the last one so much, but I digress. So next time you open up your language textbook, question yourself and question your teacher. Are they looking for this information for a particular reason? Who knows who’s actually grading your tests. Oh yeah, it definitely helps your number skills to recite your phone number a couple of times. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

ALL I SEE ARE PEDOBEARS IN MY TEXTBOOK.

Happy learning languages!