Student Beats 2048; Everybody Cares

via forums.toucharcade.com

EVANSTON, IL – The entirety of Core in University Library broke into vivacious applause late last night after Weinberg Sophomore Jeff Hudson completed the viral online game 2048 during a nine-hour study break. According to those within the library, everybody cared, a lot. No really, they emphasized, literally everybody gave a shit that someone moved tiles around on a screen long enough to form a slightly different tile.

Asked for comment, Hudson replied that

Guy in Library Eating Chips Very Loudly

EVANSTON, Il – While studying for your Economics 310-1 final this afternoon in the References section of University Library, reports have confirmed that the guy using the desk directly next to yours has begun to eat a small bag of potato chips, making a significant amount of chewing noises in the process.

The guy, who you do not know and have never seen before, has removed a bag of Lay’s Baked Sour Cream and Onion potato chips from his backpack, and is now opening them, crinkling the paper-thin bag in the process.  He is proceeding, according to reports, to eat each chip not only loudly and vigorously, but slowly; which, you notice, only adds to the distinctly audible and somewhat unsettling sounds of mastication the guy is creating.  The numerous reports also state that

An Interpretation of a Northwestern Tour

Remember green things?  (via Northwestern)

SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.

Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!

Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!

Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!

Interpretation:

Student Who Spent Friday Night in Library Unaware That “These Are the Days”

The student in question, enjoying the best years of his life.

EVANSTON, IL – Reports from Mudd Library have confirmed that the engineer hard at work this past Friday night has not yet figured out that his college years will, by default, be remembered as the highlight of his youth.  The student is reportedly oblivious to the fact that in 20 years his middle-aged self will frequently reminisce about his years in college, murmuring to himself, “Those were the days,” while he gazes wistfully out the window of his office building.

The aging senior manager will then resignedly sigh as he rests his head on his hand and recalls how he used to toss the ol’ Frisbee with “the guys” on the quad before a weekend of “hittin’ the sauce”, an activity that made up less than .001% of his college career.

Through continued monitoring of the situation, it was confirmed that

The Best Places To Take A Shit On Campus

“Everybody poops, you are not alone”- Radiohead

Up until going abroad a few months ago (in a place with not-so-great toilets, as it were), I had a really hard time dropping a deuce anywhere but home. It wasn’t that I couldn’t; in a high stress, emergency scenario, I was perfectly capable of using a public toilet. But it was never a comfortable experience, and despite my recent maturation, pooping in a public place is still something of a trying experience for me.

It may well be that I am alone in struggling to drop trou in public restrooms. I have a hard time believing that I am #foreveralone, but even if we say for the sake of argument that I am, I’m still sure that everyone, I mean virtually EVERY man, woman, child, and other, prefers to poop in comfortable circumstances. It’s why dogs prefer the grass to the sidewalk, why cats prefer anywhere but the litter box to the litter box (wait no that’s because cats are total dicks nevermind).

An Open Letter to the Main Library Facilities Management

Hey guys,

Let me start out by saying that I know y’all have a tough job. I get it, homies. Main Library is a large, confusing building and also one of the ugliest things ever conceived by the human mind. And, as far as I can tell, the facilities management staff has zero employees. So I understand that you have kind of a tall mountain to climb in your quest to, you know, do your job.

But Jesus CHRIST guys. I don’t know that I’ve been witness to so much rampant incompetence and obvious lack of hustle since I saw JerShon Cobb wearing a “Lazy but Talented” shirt in Plex dining hall[1]. And I think maybe we need to talk about it.

12 Reasons Why Going to School Somewhere Cold is Awesome

1. Never having to slather your body in the ectoplasmic goo known as sunscreen

2. When you inevitably put on Freshman 15, no one will notice

This woman actually weighs 190 lbs

The Pursuit of a Nook: One Freshman’s Attempt to Study in the Library

I did not leave Allison yesterday. I suppose this happens to the best of us. Saturday night’s debauchery and barefooted BK run left me with a slight headache and a load of academic responsibility for Sunday. Most of the time was spent in my room reading Shakespeare, and researching the Kanye West v. Jimmy Kimmel feud (#NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK).

I was essentially a troll, with my dark room representing the underside of a bridge. I didn’t even take advantage of free food in downtown Evanston because I didn’t want to put socks on.

Everyone knows Brutalist architecture inspires learning.

Today is a new day. I am wearing real person clothes, I am financially obligated to go to other buildings for classes, and I decided to explore the library in the hopes of getting some shit done. The shit being, but not limited to 1) finding a study area I can call my own 2) beginning a journalism paper and 3) wasting time before dinner and the inescapable gravity of the Allison dining hall.

Luckily, one of those would be accomplished as long as I didn’t choke on my own insignificance and die. And so I walked into the library with a friend, and the following journey began:

A Non-Engineer’s Guide to Camping Out in Tech

It’s a Friday afternoon, you need to get some work done before you go to that theater party tonight and you’re tired of Main Library because that building looks like an alien spaceship ate 700 bags of Ready Mix concrete and took a 3-hour shit right on the Lakefill’s backyard.

So you figure now is as good a time as any to check out the dungeon where Dick Cheney sucks the blood out of goats Tech.

Allow me to inform you that you have fucked up now.

After 4 minutes and 35 seconds of trying

30 More Things That Go Through The Mind Of Every Northwestern Student (Almost) Every Day

Is it true that Morty once took Margaret Thatcher to a nice dinner and never called her back?

Because 33 things that go through the mind of every Northwestern student (almost) every day just wasn’t enough.

1) OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS IN ALL THE WORLD WHY DID TISDAHL HAVE TO SHUT DOWN MINE.

2) No but it’s fine The Keg wasn’t that great I’ll just go somewhere else in Evanston OH MY GOD THERE IS NO WHERE ELSE.

3) TIIIIIISSSSSSSDAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

4) It’s April. Why the fuck do I need to wear a Northface in April.

5) If BK was a McDonalds I would be broke and fat.