Pros and Cons of Being Alive in the 21st Century

As the New Year approaches, we should think about what it means to be living in the 21st century. We are living in a time of unprecedented food production, medical standards, and genital enlargement. Yes, those are the three things I would brag about if I were talking to a buckle-hatted pilgrim. But although we have luxuries, there are things we missed out on in the timeline of our planet. In the following article, I will reflect on that for which we should be grateful for and that with which we should be forever disappointed.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Attend Class

In the vast reaches of time preceding your arrival to Northwestern Heinousversity, your mind is probably racing with questions.  What is it like living in a dorm?  How will the food be?  How long is it appropriate to know someone before showing him or her my third nipple?   What about my fourth one?   With so many concerns about adapting to the college lifestyle, you may be forgetting about one minor detail of attending Northwestern: the classes.  But don’t worry – we are here to answer your questions about how to effectively have the learning times.

The Art of the #YOLO

This is probably, like, the third worst thing Drake has ever done.

Have you heard? No? That’s odd, I was under the impression that everyone had heard. Heard what? Heard, of course, that YOLOBOTCHEZZZZ.

That’s right, for those of you who aren’t sure how many times people* live I’m here with some breaking news: You Only Live Once. Stunning. I know. Now take a deep breath. It’ll probably all be ok.

See, YOLO is actually a great thing. It’s not a statement acknowledging death, it’s a fully hashtaggable catchphrase that will help you live your life to the fullest and most atrocious extent, because of the YOLOOOOOO. So stop dreading death and start getting wild.

YOLO is the perfect excuse to do all those things you were always too confused about mortality to do.  Always meant to shit off the top of Swift? #YOLO. Wanna skinny dip in SPAC at three in the afternoon during a swim meet? #YOLOLOLOL. Been dying to do 14 handle pulls in a two-hour span? Call the ambulance, it’s time to #YOLO! That girl’s a 3.5 and you just did 14 handle pulls? Go for it bro, because of the #YOLO.

By now I’m sure many of you are thinking that perhaps YOLO is just an excuse to make terrible decisions without thinking about the consequences. Aaaaanyway.

But what really elevates YOLO from a heinous catchphrase to a heinous lifestyle is its applicability to any situation. While we’ve already mentioned some truly hei-hei examples above, YOLO is much more versatile than the typical Wednesday I described.  It can be used if you’re taking a test (The answer’s “B” four times in a row because YOLO, duhhh), if you’re grocery shopping (Nineteen cans of SPAM, yayyy #YOLO), or even if you’re playing a casual game of golf out on the-links-golf-course-Masters-Bubba-Watson-Tiger-putting place (If you hit a bad shot, throw the club in the water and then you’ll be YOLOing). Where some phrases are useful every once in a while, YOLO will always make sense as long as you don’t think about it.

In fact, if you look back through history it becomes clear that mankind has always had YOLO imbedded in its brain on a subconscious level. How else do you explain Caesar’s constant power-grabbing? The dude was YOLOing like a mofo. Hitler deciding to invade Russia? “Yeah, I know this war is going well for us and no one has ever successfully taken Russia by land, but YOLO amirite?!?!” And rumor has it that when someone suggested checking the Hindenburg for flammability near sparks, the engineers said “Niemals, ich muss YOLO.”

Sir Twattingworth with his biddies, Charity and Henrietta.

And we see it in modern times as well. Carly Rae Jepsen is perhaps our current goddess of YOLOcity, casually giving out her digitz as if this was her only life. Sure, she JUST met him. And yes, this is batshit crazy. But hey, those numbers connect you to her telephone, so perhaps an attempt at communication is in order. YOLO.

So I hope by now you’ve come to understand what YOLO truly means. It doesn’t mean, “Gee, life is precious and I should spend it in a meaningful way.” No no, silly fucker. It means, “Let’s see how much regrettable stuff I can do in the 26 years I have on earth.”

Now go out into the world. Go forth in love and peace. Meet your fellow man with the wind at your back and the knowledge that no matter what mistakes you make, you can always blame it on the power of #YOLO.

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*Two exceptions

10 Reasons Why You Should Apply to be a Writer for Sherman Ave

Everything the sun touches will be yours

10. You want to get involved on campus.
Sherman Ave is a great way to get involved, because… well…
…okay, there’s a reason this is number ten. But it sure is a hell of a lot better way to get involved here at Northwestern than joining a group of peppy undergrads who sing a capella covers of Yellowcard.

9. You aren’t currently a writer on Sherman Ave.
Realistically, you aren’t content with that. Join us, and we will imbue your life with meaning and satisfaction.

Ross Packingham as a child

8. The lifestyle.
Drugs, sex, and rock and roll. Except it would be more aptly described as alcohol, alcohol, and Bruce Springsteen. C’mon, all the cool kids are doing it. So is some twat named Evander Jones.

7. You love Morty.
We love Morty. Is that not enough? Just think about the man’s silky, silvery beard and how much you’d love to write articles about it.

6. Pseudonyms.
Everyone secretly yearns for a secret identity. As a writer on Sherman Ave, you’ll get the chance to not only have a secret identity, but to have a secret identity that offends at least 85% of the global population.

Warning: All new Sherman Ave writers must first pledge their undying love and allegiance to Pippa before they can start writing

5. You’re unnecessarily attracted to Pippa Middleton.
Join the club, champ.

4. It’s free.
We live in a world where nearly everything costs money – barring, of course, happiness. And while money can’t buy happiness, being a writer on Sherman Ave can bring you relative happiness from the heinousness and despair you thrust upon others. And if that’s not enough to warm the cockles of your frigid heart, just think of all the slampieces you’ll bag as a writer for this blog (unless, of course, you first have to explain to her that you are the true identity of somebody named “Sir Edward Twattingworth III”).

3. You went to Lyons Township High School.
We don’t know what it is about that place, but they manage to crank out more atrocious individuals than Octo-Mom would if she were boinking Fred Phelps.

2. You came to our informational meeting.
It was at Burger King at 1 o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. You wore a three-piece suit with a keyboard tie. We were visibly intoxicated. Don’t even try telling us you were just there for the food.

A graphical representation of the Sherman Ave community

1. The people.
Sherman Ave is an excellent group of people, who will do everything from drunkenly showing up to a house party dressed as John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe to beaning you in the cranium with freshly-picked apples. The people who aren’t us want to be us. And the people who don’t want to be us are probably from one of the following countries: Latvia, New Zealand, Iceland, Uruguay, Brazil, Kyrgyzstan, São Tomé and Príncipe, France, or Costa Rica.