We’ve been through a lot together. You’ve seen me at my darkest hours. Those hours when the juices of procrastination were oozing out my every pore and my soul was the emaciated shell of an empty Red Bull can. You’ve been by my side for many excellent decisions, such as when I drunkenly chatted my middle-school boyfriend “just to say hey.” We even took Stats 202 together.
You get me. You know that when I say “hide from newsfeed,” it means I’m sick of seeing that kid’s damn face or hearing about that girl’s stupid day. You’ve molded to my desires like a memory-foam mattress. You know what statuses I’m going to “like,” because I do, in fact, like them. When my best friend adds a new photo, you make damn sure I see it.
My mom asks me, every fortnight or so, what I’m doing next fall. Of course, she knows what I know, which is that I don’t know. She asks anyway. Everyone asks all the time if I know what I’m doing next fall. Isn’t it enough that I’m about to graduate? No. It’s never enough. Doing the college is never enough.
But everyone else seems to have something to do, and it’s that time of year when everyone is announcing to everyone else that they’re just so talented that they’ve managed to secure that job or internship that had really long odds. Like, a Midwesterner-getting-into-Yale long odds. Fuck Yale.
For most people, http://www.facebook.com is a happy place. It’s a calm place. A place where they’re in control. Let’s change that. By ruining Facebook. Here’s how:
Let's burn this motherfucker down.
1. Report Things
Do you realize how easy it is to report things on The Book? You can just click the little X in the upper right-hand corner of a post and easily mark it as spam or—EVEN BETTER!— send an automated message to the poster saying that you don’t like it. It’s a fucking blast. This is especially useful if your friends are all heinouses and thus everything they post is heinous. Just report it. Report it all. Fill their inbox with enough messages that say you found their posts objectionable to make them feel the pain you felt when you were forced to bear witness to their awfulness and testimonials regarding your mother’s sexual transgressions. But one warning: This one time my friend did this too much and Facebook apparently automatically removed the friend he was reporting. So only do this if, like most people, you have no interest in maintaining any friendships. And honestly, that applies to this whole list.
2. Like an Entire Wall-to-Wall
Friendship pages. Learn them. Love them. Go to you and your friend’s friendship page and click on “Wall Posts.” Then go ahead and just like all the posts. Every single one. If you’re a normal, rational human being, then this should theoretically not take very long and is a pretty quick way to ruin Facebook. If you’re like me and Ross Packingham, it can take 90 minutes to get through two months of shit. If this describes you, plz reconsider your life choices and seek a lot of therapy.
3. Find Attrotro Pics of People
You know what people love? People love when you find terrible photos of them and put said photos on their wall for all of the webiverse to see. Especially pictures of them posing provocatively on a stripper pole that then get memed and receive dozens of likes even after they delete it from their frickin’ wall. Yeah. People eat that shit up. But the crucial part here is not to bother going through tagged photos. If the person you’re cyberbullying has any shame they’ll have detagged all their fugly pictures (and if they don’t have any shame, finding their disgusting old pictures won’t embarrass them). Instead, find some of the earlier albums they’re tagged in; these tend to have the most heinous of the victim’s pics.
How Sir Twattingworth relaxes after a long day of heinousing.
4. POAK WAR
Shut up, this is still cool. This is one of the few ways you can ruin Facebook second-by-second. While most things you do on Da Book take a moment or two to update, if the person you’re having a poke war with is online, then this can be an up-to-the-second heinousfest. You can literally just sit there hitting “poke back” over and over and over and over and over and over again until Mark Zuckerberg’s hologram comes out of the computer screen and strangles you to death.
5. Constantly Change the Picture for an Event You Created
WE GET NOTIFICATIONS EVERY TIME YOU DO THIS. SOMETIMES MORE THAN ONE. I log on, thinking “Oh wow, 28 notifications in three minutes! I am so popular and the people love me!” It is absolutely heartbreaking to realize that two of those notifications are from someone changing the picture for some massive event and that only 26 separate people felt the need to write on my wall in a three-minute span. The people love me.
6. Check In at All of the Places
Holy living mother of poop, I’m so absolutely fascinated by your lunch date at Panera! There with three whole friends? YEAH, THAT’S NO 26 WALL POSTS BIATCH. If you check in everywhere you go (or even like 1/10th of the places you go) I can absolutely guarantee that I wish ill upon those close to you. You’re ruining Facebook, the undisputed pinnacle of mankind’s existence. I won’t stand for this anymore. You have one hour.
You may have heard of Rick Perry. He’s a candidate for president running in the Republican Party. He used to be George Bush’s pet lieutenant governor in Texas and was reportedly scarred by separation anxiety after Georgie Boy left him for Washington.
He also owned a shooting ranch. He decided the name of that ranch should probably have the most racially offensive word his limited vocabulary could think of.
Here’s another fun fact: Rick Perry is not going to be president. However, he released today a super cool new campaign ad that will make you all love him. Here it is:
Without further ado, I present the Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever:
1. The Title
Strong? That’s a weird way to spell “Blatant Hail Mary for the Evangelical Vote in Iowa.”
2. “I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian.”
Yeah, well thanks to assholes like you, the rest of us are. It’s because of homophobes like this that other Christians have to spend all day explaining that we like the parts of the Bible about “luhhing thy neighbor” and “blessed are the poor” and “eternal salvation” more than the dietary restrictions or instructions on selling thine daughters into slavery. Like, seriously, stop it. I’m sick of explaining that 1% of the Christians own 90% of the bigotry.
3. “You don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong.”
It’s literally like he views religion as some sort of item on a checklist. You sat in a pew on a particular day of the week? FORGET WHAT YOU BELIEVE OR DO, YOU ARE NOW A CHRISTIAN CONGRATS WE’RE ALL SO PROUD OF YOU.
4. “There’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military”
Yeah I just doubled up on a line. What of it? That’s how fucking heinous this piece of horseshit ad is. Now then, there is almost nothing that angers me more than people demanding that all them gays be kept out of the military. While I have never served in the military, I’m pretty fucking sure that when you’re running into a hail of gunfire there is almost nothing as irrelevant as which type of genitalia you prefer in and around your mouth.
5. “But our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school”
Bro. I went to public school. We celebrated the living shit out of Christmas. So much Christmas. So little not Christmas. Now go change your underwear, take your pills and get back in your cage.
But in terms of school prayer, Rickie Bobby Redux hit the nail on the head. I’d sit in school all day just bursting at the seams to pray! But every time I tried, that dadgum Obamer would run in lock me up at the Guantanamo Bay just for thinking of it. It’s an outrage! Thank goodness there’s a candidate who finally had the guts to make school prayer an issue in a presidential election. Stupid Titmonger.
6. The fact that he stops walking up the hill after like three steps
Just going for a casual three-step stroll? Cool brah. I hope you’re happy with your life choices.
7. “I’ll end Obama’s war on religion”
No no, silly. That’s “Obama’s war on bin Laden” that you’re thinking of. And newsflash: YEEEEAAAHHHHH WE GOT HIMMMMMM. VICTORYYYYYY.
8. That his staff forgot to turn off the ability to like/dislike this video
As of my most recent viewing, 97.71% of those who responded disliked the video. Literally. 46,000 dislikes to 1,000 likes. You couldn’t get 97.71% of Americans to agree on how much they hate something if it was a contest between Casey Anthony and Adele.
9. His hair is so nice
Ugh. I’m gonna be bald by the time I’m forty. Fuck Rick Perry.
Wait, I was supposed to come up with ten things I hated? But I only have nine… Uhhh… What was that tenth one again? We had the uh… There was the… the… title and the uh… the war on religion… and uh… I can’t. The tenth one. Oops.
Sherman Ave 
