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Tag Archives: Lincoln

8 Historical Speech Titles Rebranded to Maximize Internet Popularity

21 Feb

1. Original title: The Gettysburg Address – Abraham Lincoln, 1863Abraham_Lincoln_seated,_Feb_9,_1864

Why it sucks: If I had to guess the content of this speech based solely on the title, I’d assume Abraham Lincoln gave a reading of the Gettysburg, PA phonebook.

New title: Continue reading

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A Very Brief Guide to the Oscars: Best Actor Category

24 Feb
Fucking JACKSON gets on the twenty and all I get is the five dollar bill!?

Fucking JACKSON gets on the twenty and all I get is the five dollar bill!?

Part 2 of Sherman Ave’s last-minute attempt to spread misinformation on all things Oscars in order to emerge victorious in our Oscar pool.

The 2013 Academy Award category for Best Actor in a Leading Role offers four renowned actors the prestigious opportunity to lose to Daniel Day-Lewis. When the world’s foremost statistical witchdoctor says that DDL has about as much of a chance of losing this Oscar as Obama had of losing Vermont, Joaquin Phoenix might want to pursue other avenues for success. Maybe a rapping career? At least this takes the pressure off George Clooney to lose the Oscar for Best Actor until next year.

Anyway, the nominees to lose to the Last Mohican are:

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#GetFuckedIllini

23 Nov

Fitz, representing the sexual domination to come.

Dear Illini,
Get Fucked.

Tomorrow is a momentous day for the State of Illinois. No, to our knowledge Oprah won’t be returning her show to Chicago. And no, Rockford will not be ceded to Wisconsin. This Saturday marks something far more special: Northwestern’s physical and mental obliteration of the Illinois Fighting Illini for the vaunted Land of Lincoln Trophy.

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10 Gaffes Worse Than Todd Akin’s “Legitimate Rape” Comments

22 Aug

I’ve never met Todd Akin, but from listening to him speak in a seven second clip I’m going to go ahead and say that he’s a bad, bad, bad, bad person:

What you may be surprised to find out, however, is that Akin’s “legitimate rape” interview was far from the largest gaffe in American history. In fact, there have been at least ten worse statements by prominent politicians over the years:

10) George W. Bush: “Of course I don’t care about black people.”

After Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans in 2005, the Bush administration’s slow response was ridiculed by many prominent public figures and minority advocates. Also Kanye West. Ye thought that a telethon for the victims of the disaster would be the perfect time to point out that he believed that George Bush didn’t care about black people.

But the true gaffe was made days later when Bush was asked about the accusation in an interview. “Of course I don’t care about black people,” he said. “They’re different from me, ya know? And they never even vote for me. This can’t be, like, a surprise, right?” The interview set off a firestorm among the liberal media with their liberal agenda and liberal viewpoints who somehow interpreted the comments to mean that President Bush had intentionally crafted policies that failed to help the African American community.

9) John Hancock: “I thought that whole Declaration bit was a right good joke we were all having at his Majesty’s expense.”

His biopic was slammed for historical inaccuracies.

When John Hancock signed his name to the Declaration of Independence, he remarked to the room that he had signed it big enough for old King George to read it without having to put his glasses on. They all had a nice laugh. Except, Hancock apparently was confused about the entire stituation, believing his statement to be just a smaller joke in a larger prank about declaring independence from the world’s most powerful empire.

The gaffe came years later as Hancock was being billed for a presidential run. His place as a Declaration-signer made him one of the top candidates of 1806 when he sat down for an interview with People magazine.

“Well I certainly never thought I’d be here,” Hancock said. “I remember when Tom and George were first talking about declaring independence and we all had a laugh about the idea then went off to take some land away from Indians so that we could create West Virginia. That worked out, huh? Anyway, I thought that whole Declaration bit was a right good joke we were all having at his Majesty’s expense. Never in a million years thought we’d revolt. After all, we were paying absurdly low tax rates compared to other colonies and we had extraordinary new religious and cultural freedoms. It was just a bunch of whiny bitches who started the whole thing, tbh.”

8) Thomas Jefferson: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Their sex tape nearly won an Oscar.

When Thomas Jefferson’s wife Martha confronted him about a half-black slave child living on their plantation who kept writing lengthy Constitutions to govern the land, Jefferson famously declared that “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Not once have I sent for Sally Hemmings to come to our bedroom while you were out and made sweet, sweet love to her in our marriage bed.”

Moments later, Martha brought Sally Hemmings into the room who quickly announced that if Mr. Jefferson was going to ask for more of the sexi timez, he would have to acknowledge the children he had fathered with her from their many, many instances of intercourse. Jefferson was immediately impeached by the House of Representatives.

7) Joe Biden: “I only took the job assuming Obama would be dead by now.”

Joe Biden has made a career out of gaffes, but when Barbara Walters asked him if ever thought about running for president in 2016, Biden sent shockwaves across the Beltway. “Obviously, I only took the job assuming Obama would be dead by now,” he responded. “The odds of the guy surviving this far are gastrointestinal. There’s terrorists and racists and have you seen Contagion? Good God, the odds that any of us are alive. So anyway, yes I fully expected to be President by now.”
Obama took the gaffe in stride, instructing his staff to hold Biden down and give him forty-four lashes, as is the standard procedure in the White House.

6) Herman Cain: “We should institute my 9-9-9 plan.”

Herman Cain once ran for President. He once led the Republican field. And then he unveiled his platform. “We should institute my 9-9-9 plan,” Cain said. “It would b a good idea.”

Cain’s lead immediately vanished as voters realized that he truly believed in the idea of a 9% income tax, a 9% national sales tax and a 9% business transaction tax. Then ladies said he groped all up on them. But mostly it was the whole 9-9-9 deal.

5) Ronald Reagan: “The orgies have really livened up my meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.”

Sometimes, after an orgy, I think to myself, “That was SO Reagan.” Other times, I’m like, “That was not very Reagan.”

Ronald Reagan’s distinction as a symbol of cultural conservatism and a return to family values collapsed in 1986 when he let slip in an interview that his weekly meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff were actually excuses for lengthy orgies. “The orgies have really livened up my meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff,” the septuagenarian Republican admitted. “Before it was all, ‘The Soviets have missiles located in yada yada yada.’ Now it’s much more about who’s receiving my missile.”

The nation was of course heartbroken when Nancy Reagan immediately died of  massive cardiac arrest as she sat next to her husband during the interview.

4) Abraham Lincoln: “Let’s make all the Southerners slaves. You know, for the economy’s sake.”

Much of Abraham Lincoln’s life and legacy were defined by his heroic crusade to save the Union and end American slavery. More of his legacy, however, was defined by his stunning plan to force all white Southerners to be slaves in the aftermath of the Civil War.

“As our friends in Virginia have pointed out, slaves were an integral part of our economy,” Lincoln said in his 1866 State of the Union address. “So let’s make all the Southerners slaves. You know, for the economy’s sake. Someone’s gotta work the fields, amirite??” And so it was that the Second Civil War began.

3) John F. Kennedy: “I had nothing to do with that Cuban Missile business, that was all Bobby. I was too busy stickin’ it to Marilyn Monroe in the Oval Office, which is all I ever do even though I have a gorgeous and intelligent wife.”

To be fair to John Kennedy, this gaffe was never intended for public consumption. Kennedy believed he was writing his thrice-daily letter to his mother updating her on his activities, when he accidentally wrote the address for the Republican National Committee instead.

The GOP went public with the letter days letter, including this sensational tidbit: “This job is really easy, as long as I just spend all my time making smooshy with anything that moves. I mean, I had nothing to do with that Cuban Missile business, that was all Bobby. I was too busy stickin’ it to Marilyn Monroe in the Oval Office, which is all I ever do even though I have a gorgeous and intelligent wife.”

Public reaction to the leaked letter was mixed, with approximately half of the country calling for his public assassination in Dallas, and the other half swooning over his good looks and Boston accent.

2) Kathleen Sebelius: “It’s not really a death panel if it’s just me.”

As Sarah Palin and other Republicans took aim at health care reform in 2009 over what they perceived to be “death panels,” Health and Human Services Secretary Sebelius attempted to allay the concerns by declaring there would be no death panels.

Scandal hit, however, when she followed the declaration with, “It’s not really a death panel if it’s just me. It’s more off a Death Chairwoman. Or a Death Dictator. But yes, the bottom line is I will arbitrarily be killing six seniors a day.” Following the comments, Rush Limbaugh ate Sebelius alive on the radio in a widely derided publicity stunt.

1) Franklin Roosevelt: “Let’s settle the war with a footrace: me against Hitler.”

A traitor to his class? Sure. A quitter? Never.

Likely the worst gaffe of all time, Roosevelt’s challenge of a race to decide the war nearly doomed humanity.

It was during one of Roosevelt’s famous fireside chats in 1941 that he accidentally blurted out, “Let’s settle the war with a  footrace: me against Hitler… I used to be quite the runner, mind you, so I think I can show that fatass Fuhrer a thing or tw- Oh fuck. Shit shit shit no fuck no shit fuck ass face no fuck shit hell dammit fuck.”

Fortunately, in the pre-Twitter.com era, the White House was able to quietly bribe the entire nation never to mention it again, and those who refused to accept the bribe were casually shipped off to internment camps.

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Other Things David Stern Should Veto

12 Dec

The most hated white man in the league since Toni Kukoc

When sports journalists heard about the NBA Commissioner’s probably ill-advised decision to veto a trade that would’ve sent New Orleans point guard Chris Paul to the Lakers, they practically pooped themselves with rage, railing about the end of the NBA with an apocalyptic despair that would’ve made Harold Camping proud. When I heard about the NBA’s decision, all I could think about was the goodness that could be accomplished by extending David Stern’s veto power, trigger-happy finger, and ‘screw it, I don’t care if I ruin the seasons of three teams’ attitude into other walks of life. Here are the fruits of that aforementioned thinking:

1. Rick Perry’s Presidential Campaign
Here at Sherman Ave we love Rick Perry. Oh wait, no we fucking don’t. No one in their right minds could ever stand to be in the same room, much less vote for, that intolerable shitmuffin. It now seems utterly ridiculous that people as intelligent as Mike Murphy actually thought that Perry could win the Republican nomination. Well, they were about as wrong as Custer’s last words. If only David Stern had stepped forward in August to stop this embarrassing shitshow of a campaign from ever launching.

His dreams were crushed by David Stern. M. Night Shyamalan's should be, too.

2. M. Night Shyamalan’s ability to make movies
So The Sixth Sense was maybe kind of okay. But I dare anyone to make it through The Happening without puking in a biological attempt to reject the atrocity from staying with you. Shyamalan made only one or two movies that could ever be considered ‘good,’ and everything since then has been so unbearably atrocious that Shaymalan should be prevented from ever tainting our eyes with such heinousness again. Unfortunately, the good people at Disney (and by “good people” I of course mean “stupid fucktards”) just keep signing off on his movies. Let’s get Stern in there to crush them the way he crushed Chris Paul’s dreams.

3. No Shave November
I’ll be honest, this year I tried doing No Shave November for the entire month, to see once and for all if I could really grow a beard. I can’t. And I’ve got news for everyone else who has tried it: you can’t either. You do look like an atrocious hobo, though. Congrats. Scumbag Steve would be horrified by your hygiene. Now let’s please agree to never do No Shave November again.

4. New Rebecca Black songs

Rosa Parks' personal hero

Katy Perry has no regrets — only love — about going all the way tonight. I have the same feelings about Rebecca Black’s “Friday.” Yes, it’s horrible, and yes, it probably shouldn’t exist, and yes, it speaks to some very heinous problems at the base of our modern society, but god damn is it funny. I’m glad it exists, and those two weeks where everyone in America absolutely refused to talk about anything else were just awesome. I feel bad for the hypothetical children I may or may not give birth to in the future because they will never have the experience of waiting at midnight for the release of Harry Potter books or movies, and I feel bad for them because they will never have the experience of going to school on March 18, 2011 (the Friday after the song came out) when everyone everywhere was singing “It’s Friday, Friday, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY.” For two weeks it was fun to laugh, at the insipid songwriting, at the random rap verse that doesn’t make sense, at the problems with modern celebrity culture, but then those two weeks were over and we all moved on. DIDN’T WE?????

Apparently not. Apparently the ARK Music Factory thought that when 268,000 people disliked the “Friday” video, that meant “we love this, give us more please.” I hate to be the one to break this to you, Patrice Wilson, but when 268,000 people disliked the “Friday” video, it means they didn’t like it. At first, Rebecca Black was sad and kind of funny. Now she’s just sad.

5. Bill O’Reilly’s book about Lincoln
The only thing more ridiculous than the sentence “Bill O’Reilly wrote a book about the Lincoln assassination” is the sentence “Bill O’Reilly wrote a book about the Lincoln assassination that wasn’t true.” Yes. We live in a fucked up world. And while I think we have all accustomed ourselves to Fox News’s ridiculous excuse for news coverage, we don’t need them fucking up history as well. That’s Ross Packingham’s favorite subject!

6. “Ultimatum” by Jeph Loeb
If you’re a normal person, then it probably doesn’t mean anything to you when I say that Jeph Loeb fucked up the Ultimate Universe, but he did, and it is an intolerable atrocity.

Something doesn't seem right...

Quick nut graf: shortly after the dawn of the new millennium, Marvel Comics attempted to reinvigorate interest in their brand by creating an offshoot label, dubbed the Ultimate Universe, where they relaunched characters like Spider-Man and the X-Men as if their 40 year history didn’t exist, and the characters had been created in the year 2000. It worked. The stories were great, and their modern reworking of occasionally anachronistic Sixties concepts had a huge influence on Marvel’s later movie adaptations.

But in the year 2008, Marvel executives handed the creative reins of the Ultimate Universe to Jeph Loeb. It seemed like a sensible decision, as Loeb had won acclaim writing Batman at DC Comics. But whereas Loeb had done well on Batman with a strategy of utilizing Batman’s colorful cast and intriguing antihero sensibility, his plan for Ultimate Marvel was a little more like “destroy everything and kill every character.” His miniseries “Ultimatum” was basically a giant shit all over the Ultimate Universe, whose comics had helped spike my interest in the medium and which I still give to people who mention an interest in comic books, and I can no more forgive him for that than Eddie Murphy can forgive SNL for making one joke about him once.

And most importantly…

My First Quarter Grades
More important than any of the other things combined. I must admit, I got so caught up in college heinousness this quarter that I didn’t exactly get Will Hunting grades. Sure, it’s not like I stayed up past 2 am sequestered in the library every night of reading week preparing for my Ancient Philosophy final, but if Stern could have some words with Morty re: my grades, that would be dandier than Sebastian Flyte.

If that isn’t a convincing reason for giving David Stern a time machine and being done with it, I don’t know what is.