Sherman Ave Interviews: Justin Barbin

If you’ve been to a Northwestern sorority’s formal (ANY sorority), or if you’ve just creepily stalked pictures from any given formal, then you definitely know the name Justin Barbin.  A photographer/entrepreneur/all-around awesome dude, Barbin graduated from Northwestern in 2011, and, after moving back to his hometown of Houston, began to dabble in his longtime hobby of photography.  Flash forward to 3 years later, and Barbin is one of the best-known names at Northwestern – not only for his skills as a photographer, but for his personality, his style, and having a name that is eerily similar to that of Justin Bieber.  Barbin was nice enough to take time out of his very busy schedule to sit down with Sherman Ave travesties Ross Packingham, Prince Giblets, and Felicity Jenkins, and allowed them to ask him a few questions about himself, his passion, and a lot of stupid shit.  Mostly just stupid shit. 

Ross Packingham: So we’ll start with a few questions about your background–

Justin Barbin: Like ethnicity, or…?

Packingham: That isn’t what we had in mind.

Felicity Jenkins: But feel free to answer that as well.

Packingham: So from my understanding, you just popped out of your mother’s womb with a Nikon DSLR in hand.

Barbin: Canon.

Packingham: That’s embarrassing, I didn’t do my research. And there are so many pictures online with the camera. Anyway, is that why she hated you?

The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

Sometimes, one PBR just isn’t enough for a night in the stacks.

1.     Michael Cera: Nursing your first natty

Hey. You’re in the corner? Oh wow, I’m in the corner too. Wow, yeah. This corner is really hopping. [Silence]. Are you having fun in this corner? Yeah. Yeah, me too. I really like this song.

Hey, so this is probably gonna come off kinda weird but I thought I’d say a couple run-on sentences in a breathy detached voice about how pretty your eyelashes looked when that dude who looks like Tori Spelling stumbled into the wall and turned the light switch on for a second and I’m sorta hoping if I tell you this I’ll get laid cause you think I’m cute. I mean I’m not like trying to tell you you’re attractive but I’m not trying to tell you you’re not or anything, I guess if it’s okay that I think you’re really attractive then yeah that’s how I meant it. Oh. Oh, yeah. You have a boyfriend. You know, I think I need another drink.

An Open Letter to Disney: You’ve Given Us Back Topanga and Eve, Now Please Give Us Some Tanners

Dear Disney:  

There is no such thing as the perfect woman.

In recent days, we as college students facing down the stresses of life and such (JK I’m in the School of Comm) and yearning for a simpler time have been treated by you to a treasure trove of nostalgia-inducing revivals guaranteed to warm even the coldest pop-culture heart.  First, it was confirmed that Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel, better known as Corey and Topanga, the couple at the heart of Boy Meets World who make any other romantic pair just seem weak and unnecessary by comparison, agreed to return to play the parents (yeah that’s right, you’re all old now, bitches) in the Disney Channel spinoff series Girl Meets World.  Then, out of nowhere, Heinous Incarnate Tyra Banks agreed to return as Eve in a SEQUEL to her 2000 doll-come-to-life epic, Life-Size, a film which many would consider to be the greatest DCOM of all time (a solid case could be made for Get a Clue or My Date With the President’s Daughter , among others.  Like all of them).  Finally, everyone’s favorite former Disney star, Lindsay Lohan, reinvigorated her career with her star turn on Lifetime’s Liz And Dick!  Oops never mind on that last one it was a fiasco sorry Lindz better luck next time.

A Guide to the Top Celebrities Endorsements for Mitt Romney

If you’re anything like me, you simply have to wait for celebrity validation before going ahead with major life decisions, which is why I own nine George Foreman grills and six bottles of Spirit: Antonio Banderas cologne.  Thus, come election season, I stand proudly with those beautiful, mythical dipshits that are the undecided voters until I receive word from my favorite stars on who should be the leader of this great land.  As Gretchen Wieners and Cady Heron once discussed:

Gretchen: I mean, you wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looked good on you.

Cady: I wouldn’t?

Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it’s the same with presidents.  Like, you may think you like someone, but YOU COULD BE WRONG.

As we are all bound by, like, the rules of feminism to Gretchen’s code, I saved you the trouble of researching celeb endorsements to help you make an informed decision.  The results were shocking.  I may have thought that I liked Obama, but based on this list, I WAS WRONG.  Without further adieu, your guide to the top celebrity endorsements that are guaranteed to make Willard Mitt Romney the next President:

Is it because Mitt has class and you don’t?

Lindsay Lohan

My gurl LiLo, Cady Heron herself, apparently took Gretchen’s rules to heart when she announced last month that she would be supporting Romney, stating “I think unemployment is very important for now.”  Ugh, if only that kooky communist Obama wasn’t in the White House these past four years, Lindz wouldn’t be so unemployed all of the time!!  Wait, what’s that?  She’s been to rehab five times and may or may not be a klepto or a crackhead (say crack again CRACK)?  Nope, that can’t be it.  THNX 4 DENYING US MORE LINDSAY, OBAMACARE!

Chuck Norris

The king of direct-to-video action movies and subject of a million jokes that weren’t even funny in middle school when literally no one is actually funny, Chuck Norris, is a staunch conservative who released this video in support of Mitt, warning that a second term of Obama would usher in “1,000 years of darkness.”  I hadn’t considered just how serious the old “Once you go black…” rule was until Chuck put it this way, but now that I’m aware, there’s no going back.  Scary stuff indeed. Romney 2012!

Did anybody tell Meat Loaf that his career is over?

Meat Loaf

From the time that I first LOLed at his name in preschool (but it’s a FOOD!!), I have been a big fan of Mr. Loaf’s work.  Hence, I was overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of Meat and Mitt sharing a stage in Ohio and belting “America the Beautiful” like they were the writers at the Ave plus Morty and it was TSwift.  I was even more swayed by the Loaf’s endorsement speech: “The other night when President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over.’  I have never heard such a thing in my life.”  Meat is ON TARGET here, I mean when will the liberal media stop covering for Obama and shed some light on the past 21 years of the Cold War that we haven’t been paying attention to?? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??

Kid Rock

Like many Americans, I wondered how Kid could ever outdo himself after making a sex tape with four groupies and Scott Stapp from Creed (but actually this happened look it up. The story not the video. Well whatever you want actually no judgment from the Ave). Luckily, Mr. Rock (Kid, not Chris) was able to replace Stapp with another guy who scores off the charts with the nation’s white douchebags, Paul Ryan, and the result was this amazing, amazing piece of memorabilia (hint hint I’m open to early Christmas presents).

Jenna Jameson

Many Republicans have tried and failed to develop a cohesive message that will appeal to the American people, but porn icon Jenna Jameson nailed it (UP-TOP!) in her August endorsement of Romney, declaring, “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.”  There are any number of sexual puns that could be made here, but I feel that “Jenna Jameson endorses Romney” pretty much speaks for itself.  Also, who knew that Jenna Jameson had some Republican in her, amirite?  Ok done now.

As you can see, we have some real heavyweights behind the Romney-Ryan ticket this year.  When you combine the sheer wattage of star power that I have listed above with other such prestigious Romney endorsers as Hulk Hogan, Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood and his Chair, The Naked Cowboy from Times Square, Dionne from Clueless, and Chachi from Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, the choice is clear, America.  When you all step into that voting booth, keep these endorsements in mind.  They represent all that we can achieve in Mitt Romney’s America.  And give credit to Mitt for assembling the jankiest, most mesmerizing, and most heinous batch of trainwrecks that any one man has ever attracted.  He has certainly proven himself worthy of their support.  Now go forth and vote, America.  You do NOT want to let any of these stars down.  Especially Lindsay, she is in a very fragile place in her life.  Seriously someone help her.

-Charleston Nippleberry

May Heinous First-Round Results: Busch-Light Division

Anne Sullivan helps Helen Keller tap her first keg.

Helen Keller/Sun-Tzu vs. Hammurabi/John J. Audubon
Winner: Helen Keller/Sun-Tzu
Sun-Tzu’s extensive knowledge of strategy really helped bring his team to victory in this game.  Somehow, he was able to effectively rerack the cups in a way that his teammate, who we all know familiarly as “the deaf and blind chick we like to laugh at,” could sink three cups.  Moreover, their opponents proved not to be especially formidable.  Hammurabi spent most of the game just braiding his beard like he was Gimli the goddamn dwarf, and Audubon merely reinforced the well-known stereotype that ornithologists are not, in fact, beer pong all-stars.  Keller and Sun-Tzu had no trouble gliding to a three-cup victory.

“Rollbacks, bitch!”

WIlliam Henry Harrison/Queen Victoria vs. Friedrich Nietzsche/Genghis Khan
Winner: Friedrich Nietzsche/Genghis Khan
Although WHH curled up with a blanket in  a corner for a “nap” in the first 5 minutes and never returned (probably for the best), the game heated up quickly. Victoria alone was quite a match for Nietzsche and Khan, but soon the sexual tension became too much to handle. As Victoria and Khan took to each other like Lindsay Lohan to ruining her life, right there on the table, Nietzsche managed to finish the game by himself. Not 100% ‘legal’, strictly speaking, but are you really gonna argue with a man who has swords for arms and an iron dick? Or Nietzsche?

Yeltsin goes up for a high-five from Prime Minister Grey, following one of the few shots they made.

Malcolm X/Mao Zedong vs. Boris Yeltsin/Earl Grey
Winner: Malcolm X/Mao Zedong
Between Boris Yeltsin’s debilitating neurological disorder and Earl Grey’s refusal to drink piss-warm beer, the two were a very stoppable duo. What Malcolm X and Mao Zedong lacked in raw skill and compatible political ideologies they made up for in moral fiber. When Mao got discouraged after missing his fourth shot, Malcolm turned to him and shouted words of empowerment. “YOU ARE STRONG. YOU DESERVE TO WIN THIS.” And goddammit Mao turned it around. There was one sticky moment after Boris shot with his elbows over the table. Malcolm demanded that his team be awarded a three cup advance for Boris’ heinous transgression. Their offensively apathetic opponents were happy to oblige. Malcolm X and Mao Zedong shall proceed to round two.

We’re not sure if this is Neville Chamberlain or if it’s an ill-fated crossbreed of George Clooney and John Cleese.

J. Edgar Hoover/Cleopatra vs. General George Custer/Neville Chamberlain
Winner: J. Edgar Hoover/Cleopatra
This was one of the closest games of the first round, heading into a tense round of overtime before Hoover and Cleopatra emerged victorious.  Hoover and Cleopatra were a pretty cohesive team, which was evident when they chest-bumped after every cup they made.  General Custer made a pretty respectable showing, making 6 cups in regulation and 2 cups in overtime, but he was dragged down by Chamberlain, who is consistently ranked among history’s top 10 pussies.  When it was time for the rebuttal shot in regulation, Custer had to talk Chamberlain out of simply offering the Sudetenland to Hoover and Cleopatra in exchange for a tie.  However, the game was full of good sportsmanship, even amidst the overwhelming discomfort that ensued when Hoover celebrated by donning Cleopatra’s dress.

20 People Who Accomplished More Than Me Before They Were 20

This cupcake symbolizes the defeat of teenage pregnancy

So this weekend I turned 20. The celebration was excellent, and the weekend was replete with friends, family, Lupe Fiasco, inexplicable football victories, a seemingly insurmountable stockpile of baked goods, and innumerable abuses of new Sherman Ave writers-to-be. But at some point during the frivolities, somewhere in between heinifying the Shakespeare Gardens and shouting Taylor Martinez-related obscenities on the El, I was struck by the realization that I had suddenly graduated from being merely a teenager into the vaunted world of the 20-something.

Now, I’d like to think that I fit into the 20-something club quite nicely. I publish self-indulgent blog posts, live in dire fear of missing a party, and am woefully unemployed. I vote Democrat and laugh at the word “clitoromegaly.” I buy records on vinyl, wear flannel, and spend an obscene proportion of my income at either BK or EV1, which suits me just fine. I fervently and irrationally believe that Steve Kerr was one of the most important guards in NBA history, and will be a drain on society in general for the next five years or so. Needless to say, I play a good deal of Sporcle and Civilization IV.

This 20-something is a Starbucks barista and staff writer for Thought Catalog

Besides being a great excuse to drink Andre and treat my friends as dutiful subjects to the Birthday Boy for a day, turning 20 is also a good milestone to size up the accomplishments and failures of my life. Even if I never played first base for the White Sox or fronted a touring rock n roll band, I’d like to think I’ve accomplished a fair deal, including roadtripping to LA and founding the most atrocious blog known to the greater Chicagoland area. But no matter what I’ve done, here are the 20 people who accomplished so much more than I could ever dream of before they were even able to legally drink in Japan.

1. Beyoncé’s Unborn Baby
That fetus was still only 5 months old when it garnered 8,868 tweets a minute at the MTV Music Video Awards. To be honest, the only time I can ever hope to gain that much recognition in social media is if Ross Packingham mentions me in one of his status updates. The progeny of Ms. Knowles and Mr. Z will almost certainly emerge from the womb with more talent, beauty, and hedge fund investments than five generations of Rees’ will be able to amass. If this kid doesn’t have a hit single by the time she’s 7, Amy Winehouse will turn over in her grave.

Jesus getting hammered, like a proper 20-something

2. Jesus
Although by the time he was 20 the God the Son incarnated hadn’t quite gotten around to teaching the word of God, performing miracles, or founding the Church, he was at least gainfully employed, which is much better than I can say for myself. You can rest assured that the Messiah was a really fucking good carpenter, as evidenced by his prominent position on Wikipedia’s “Notable Carpenters” list.

3. Harry Potter
Defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Check. Graduate school? Check. Bang a butterface ginger? Check. The kid did it all, which is even more impressive considering that he never once succumbed to the distraction of working alongside Emma Watson.

I'm going to grow up to do WHAT???

4. Michael Jackson
Despite being born in the eternal hellhole of Gary, Indiana, MJ quickly rose to prominence. At the age of eight, a time when I was mostly concerned about training my Bulbasaur and watching The Bachelor when my Mom wasn’t home, the kid was opening for stripteases with the Jackson 5. If the vocal talent wasn’t enough, he also sported the greatest afro any prepubescent boy ever possessed.

5. Koko the Gorilla
It took me nearly two years to master elementary Spanish, but this adorable ape mastered American Sign Language and English in a few short years. She also had a kitten, and apparently assaulted more women than Herman Cain, both of which prove her superiority to me.

Morty as a child

6. Morton “Morty” Owen Schapiro
The man could grow a full grown beard in first grade in the same time it took me to read a page of Good Night Moon. But for a more complete examination of his exploits in the early years of this man’s life, I suggest you reference Chloe Woodhouse’s expose on the legend himself.

7. Macaulay Culkin
This kid was uglier than what I imagine Steve Buscemi to have looked like as a child, and yet he was still fucking boss. Not only did he single-handedly defeat Joe Pesci in the highest grossing comedy of all time, he also got to live the life of the richest boy in the world as the son of the founder of Rich Industries. The icing on the cake: Mila Kunis.

She also accomplished scaring the living shit out of me as a child

8. Matilda
So smart she could develop telekinetic abilities with the unused part of her brain, she was able to defeat Miss Trunchbull and form a happy, loving family with Miss Honey all before graduating elementary school. Although I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her for the nightmares I suffered after watching the chokey scene.

9. Willow Smith
This video has over 64 million views. The most popular video I ever starred in was of me doing the “Single Ladies” dance in my senior year econ class. Either there’s something wrong with America, or I just got my ass handed to me by a 10-year-old. Or both.

He also managed to get arrested before me.

10. Bill Gates
By the end of sophomore year, the nerd had set a record for the fastest algorithm produced in his Harvard combinatorics class that stood for 30 years. Then he founded Microsoft. By the end of my sophomore year, I intend to have decided upon a concentration and get Sherman Ave to generate enough revenue to pay for beer.

11. Jane Austen
The woman had written most of Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice before she turned 20. Not that I really care about the morals, scandals, and marriages of the early 19th Century landed gentry of England, but I’d just about die if Colin Firth ever portrayed one of my characters. Just saying, he’d make a great Sir Edward Twattingworth III.

12. Peter the Great
Dude was 10 when he became Tsar. During his reign he transformed Russia from a freezing, backward, and destitute rural society into a 5,000,000-square-mile freezing, backward, and destitute society. All while suffering from epilepsy.

Despite a lack of physical presence, he still dominated in the paint.

13. Air Bud
That golden retriever probably scored more points in one season than I did in my entire rec league basketball career. Second only to Michael Jordan’s role in Space Jam for convincing kids that they were better than basketball than they actually were, the only downside of Air Bud was the experience of overwhelming disappointment when you own dog couldn’t drain a three-pointer.

14. Lindsay Lohan
Herbie: Fully Loaded aside, The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, and Mean Girls are some of the greatest acting performances I’ve seen in my lifetime. I’m pretty sure most guys my age have harbored a life-long crush on her ever since she valiantly challenged herself to a fencing match.

15. Michelangelo
Probably one of the best artists in Florence by the age of 14. No big deal.

16. Eliàn Gonzàlez
Not only did Gonzàlez cross from Cuba into American waters in an aluminum boat with a faulty motor, he also survived a sea storm while floating on nothing more than an inner tube. He also accomplished more in politics than any MTV Rock the Vote campaign ever has, quite possibly costing Al Gore the 2000 presidential election.

17. Madeline
The girl got her appendix removed and acted like it was no big deal. She also survived a fall off a bridge into the Seine River and ran away to join a group of traveling gypsies before she learned long division. That’s all there is; there isn’t any more.

18. Beethoven
Sure, as a child his father made young Ludwig stand at they keyboard until he cried. But it all worked out, right? He was seven at the time of his first public performance, and was publishing original compositions before most kids his age had mastered the art of five-paragraph essays.

Adorable

19 and 20 (tie). Eng Seng Ng and Cheng Yen Ng
Eng Seng Ng is a 19-year-old grad student at Stanford. Most people that age are busy playing National Treasure drinking games and sleeping through 11:00 am discussion sections, not completing their master’s in mechanical engineering at the top school in the country. Ng’s sister Chenny is just as amazing. The renowned master of the Hoedown Throwdown, Chenny is also an internationally-acclaimed practitioner of all things heinous, not to mention the most adorable member of Sherman Ave.

Honorable Mentions:
Adele, Kain Colter, Sasha Obama, George Harrison, LeBron James, Achilles, and Charlie Young.