2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

New Locations for The Keg of Evanston

Can you fit stripper poles into Cozy Noodles?

Now that the initial shock of TKOE’s liquor license being revoked has mostly passed, the owners are probably thinking about what they should do with their lives. While fifty-cent wing Wednesdays does sound appealing, I don’t think that The Keg is going to be surviving on their lunch menu. Accordingly to the rulebook, The Keg isn’t allowed to reapply for a liquor license.

Except that all they need to do is just move to a new location and get a shiny new license! Problem solved. You just got pre-lawed. But where should the Keg’s new location be?? I have saved them the trouble of a popcorn fueled brainstorm session and narrowed it down to the four best locations to continue their crusade against Overlord Tisdahl.

Sheil Catholic Center
I’ve only been to this mysterious place once when I tagged along with the notoriously upstanding Sir Edward Twattingworth III as he gave blood. This establishment has the uneasiness of a midwestern retirement home and the excitement of Sigma Nu on a Saturday night. The clear solution to this problem is obviously big cups, popcorn, Dan Persa, and general debauchery.

Tisdahl’s Office
So Elizabeth Tisdahl, the mayor of what was formerly known as “heavanston” pre-keg shutdown, is a raging ho-bag. When Morty wanted to give every student a puppy, she stole all of his purple attire and threatened to bleach it until he cancelled all puppy-related plans. She is every iPhone bandit. She has a poster of Richard Nixon in her office. She was behind Community getting cancelled. TKOE might as well occupy Betsy’s lifeless office and add a little pizazz to her awful, popcorn-less existence.

Dance Marathon
There’s no better combination than promiscuity and charity.

That's not honey mustard on the floor...

Burger King
Count Von Tisdahl might as well have also revoked BK’s food license since without the Keg, Burger King is just that place next to Beck’s that always smells like gluttony and regret. I wonder if the owners of the most profitable Burger King in the US of A know what has just happened to their lovely establishment. Are people even going to go to BK anymore without The Keg? What will be the fate of the sassy security guard? The only way to answer these questions is obviously for The Keg to just move into BK and become a haven for overall heinousness. Can I get a shot and a big cup with those chicken fries?

Hitler Reacts to Evanston Revoking the Keg’s Liquor License

The views expressed in this video by Hitler do not accurately reflect the opinions of Sherman Ave and its writers. Still, we’ll miss the Keg.

NOTE: If this video goes viral, we will buy a puppy for every minor who was cited with underage drinking this year.

Produced by Sherman Ave, written by Evander Jones.

Reflections on The Keg, The Afterlife, and Mayor Tisdahl’s Raging Bitchhood

First of all, I apologize in advance for the inevitably scatter-brained nature of this post.  I’m a bit emotional right now, and I also have class in 45 minutes.  Mostly it’s the emotions.  I haven’t been this emotional since the United States won the Olympics always.  So I suppose I’ll start this solemn reflection by thinking about today’s events.

It was about 2:20pm on a surprisingly warm Monday afternoon when I found out that The Keg had its liquor license revoked.  At first, I didn’t really want to believe it; could this really happen?  Do we really live in a world where institutions who blatantly serve alcohol to minors receive retribution for their actions?  I immediately was overcome with an all-encompassing sense of crushing sadness, and a vast emptiness set in my stomach.  It was like the first time I watched Bambi’s mom get shot, but instead of some stupid fucking mammal falling victim to Darwinism, it was something much worse.  You see, it was much more than The Keg’s liquor license that was revoked today.  The hopes and dreams of an entire generation were also revoked.