12 Brutally Honest Responses to Give to an Acquaintance Who Asks You “How’s It Going?”

It’s spring bitches! Warm weather is here now and people are starting to interact outside again. Anonymity is a thing of the past; no longer can you trudge up Sheridan in your puffy coat and blanket-sized scarf, blending in with the rest of the amorphous blobs in backpacks.

The newfound warmth is fantastic, but it definitely comes with some baggage. For instance, when you’re walking into the wind, your t-shirt might cling to your stomach and reveal the small gut that you weren’t so motivated to work off in the winter. If you’re a girl, maybe you have to shave your legs more often than you did in those cold winter months. The worst side-effect of the nice weather, by far, is that people will be able to recognize you and they will be more prone to try to engage you in a social manner.

Inevitably, you’ll make eye contact with a loose acquaintance at some point when you’re walking to class or hanging out at the Lakefill. Because you go to Northwestern, both of you will probably be awkward as fuck and not know what to do. However, if you’re extremely unlucky, your acquaintance might try to be normal and wave to you or ask you “what’s up?” or “how’s it going?”  This would be a nightmare, because

The First 13 Ways I Found Out I Wasn’t Normal

(via hangingoutpost.blogspot.com)

1. I enjoy eating alone. With my headphones on. With the song “November Rain” by Guns N’ Roses playing. On repeat. On full volume.

2. When a friend tries to start a conversation with me, my first thought is “This is not how life is supposed to go down. I am supposed to start talking to you. MAKE YOUR FACE STOP SAYING WORDS!” Then I run out of the dining hall because I need to google “how to talk to friends” in order to figure out what I did wrong.

3. When I take a shower, I like to cut off large chunks of my hair because it just doesn’t feel right on my head. Then when people ask if I got a haircut,

7 Reasons Yoga Is the Worst

The Alpine Yogagoat, in its natural habitat. (via izismile.com)

Every year or so, I try yoga again.

It takes me about a year to forget exactly how fucking much I hate yoga. Over that year, my friends have peppered our conversations with fantastical stories of their “relaxing!” and “stress-relieving!” yoga sessions. Then there’s a moment in which I watch some betch’s yoga ass walk by and I start thinking about how cool it would be to Instagram photos of myself standing on my head in scenic locations, if I ever went to scenic locations, if I even had an Instagram. And I find myself with an hour to spare, shamelessly Googling “yoga for beginners” alone in my bedroom.

It takes me an hour to remember exactly how fucking much I hate yoga.

1. “Now breathe.”

You condescending prick, I don’t need to be reminded to breathe. I’m sitting here laying on my back. There’s nothing else to do except

The Five Types of People in Your March Madness Pool

Type #6: The Guy Who Is Leader of the Free World

March Madness is back and everyone cares about College Basketball again for one month. Watching is more fun when something is on the line, though, and millions of people bought in to NCAA bracket pools this year. Most of them won’t win, but almost all of them “basically should have won, except they changed this one thing at the last minute.” Not every participant is the same, though, and there are a few groups that they fit into:

5 Truths I Foresee in the 2014 MLB Season

(via hexanine.com)

Guys, the baseball season is a few short days from beginning. And we here at the Ave would be remiss if we didn’t give you all the predictions you need to be one step ahead of the average baseball fan this year. Considering that I have the great gift of being able to see into the future when it comes to baseball (and only baseball, actually. It’s kind of a shitty gift), I want to present to you five things that no other season preview will tell you.

50 Column Headlines You Wouldn’t be Surprised to See in The Daily

• 

  (via Twitter)

  Johnson: Cars Have Wheels

• Johnson: Radiators Helpful In Winter

• Johnson: Rolly Chairs More Mobile Than Normal Chairs

• Johnson: Staplers More Useful With Staples Than Without

• Johnson: TV Good Way To Watch Moving Pictures

• Johnson: Losing Keys Creates Problems

• Johnson: Jaywalking Can Occasionally Be Dangerous

• Johnson: Russia Might Be The Largest Country In The World

• Johnson: It’s Warmer When The Sun Is Out

• Johnson: Lake Michigan Probably Larger Than Lagoon On Campus

• Johnson: For Theater Majors,

18 “DM” Alternatives

(via Vimeo)

Dance Marathon.  If you’re reading this, you’re not doing it.*  Welcome to the eerily apocalyptic Northwestern campus mid-DM.  The only difference is that the people who constantly update their profile pictures and statuses are the ones who are gone, and as long as you don’t check Instagram you won’t see the stream of sweat and grime – until the Facebook albums go up.  Not doing DM is great because all the people you don’t like on campus are in one big tent for a whole day, and you just get to run around!

I have faith in you, charity-less Ave readers.  So our R&D team here came up with some alternative DMs for you to do over the next day instead:

Drunk Marathon – See here.

Derive Math – For the engineers/smarties out there, now’s the time to really see if Newton had his shit figured out.  I also highly recommend looking into the Lagrange Multiplier Theory, a personal favorite.

Do Mushrooms –

20 Things Northwestern Could Do with $10,000

(via nusports.com)

Northwestern University recently sent out an email with the five ideas proposed for the ASG 10K initiative, a program that gives the student body an opportunity to invest $10,000 to improve life around campus. However, I, the esteemed Reverend Turlington, frankly don’t like any of the ideas very much at all. $10,000 on Christmas lights? Come on. Here are 20 better things NU could do with $10,000:

1. Offer live entertainment in the dining halls
2. Construct a statue of Frances Willard
3. Found a

8 Historical Speech Titles Rebranded to Maximize Internet Popularity

1. Original title: The Gettysburg Address – Abraham Lincoln, 1863

Why it sucks: If I had to guess the content of this speech based solely on the title, I’d assume Abraham Lincoln gave a reading of the Gettysburg, PA phonebook.

New title:

An Analysis of the Top 10 Booty Call Texts of All Time

“Would I like to put my pee-pee in your hoo-hah? Yes please!” (via shutterstock.com)

Ah, winter in Evanston. I can’t think of a more romantic time and place to be. You probably met a bunch of new people during fall quarter when it was possible to go outside and be social without getting frostbite and dying in a ditch by the side of the road. Odds are, you banged some of those people. That’s pretty rad, dude. Congrats.

But then the frigid death grip of winter tightens its hold around all of our lives, and we’re forced to meet certain base human requirements with people whose numbers are in our phone. Of course, I’m talking about The Booty Call.

So how does one make sure they’re accurately conveying, in piss drunk-text form, the kind of wanton lust that so strikes us in these situations? It can be difficult to navigate, so I’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of the 10 most classic booty call texts of all time, complete with an analysis of each. Happy hunting.