28 Thoughts That Go Through Everyone’s Head While Waiting for a Delayed Flight

“HEY GUYS WHO WANTS A SLICE OF THIS DICK PIE” – Chicago O’Hare International Aiport

1. “Maybe this delay won’t be so bad. Maybe it’s a chance to kick back and relax for a while.”

2. “Are those payphones over there? Who the hell still uses those?”

3. “Anyone who wears a Hollister shirt and Hollister sweatpants at the same time should stop existing immediately.”

4. “Wait, is that my flight that’s boarding?”

5. “HAHAHA NOPE MY FLIGHT DOESN’T BOARD FOR 3 MORE HOURS.”

The Top 16 Biggest Reasons

1. Because that stock photo is not going to write a clever caption for itself.

2. Because cancer is not something you can joke about.

3. Because Ice Cube’s feature film Are We There Yet? (2005) is this generation’s seminal social commentary, setting an example for future discussions on the ramifications of divorce for young children as well as discussions on American race relations, using its title to pose the rhetorical question of whether we have reached, or perhaps if we shall ever reach, a post-racial America.

71 Things That Make PTI’s Day

You know who she is: PTI is one of the most recognizable administrators on campus. But do you know what really makes her tick? Why she gets up in the morning? How she works up the energy to kick you off campus for sneezing in discussion section?

The 5 Frat Guys You Can’t Avoid

1.  John Smith?

You know his face because he’s always around. He also calls you by name, asks you how you are and how that history test went the other day. You can’t be totally sure, but you may have met him during Welcome Week freshman year. Just smile and nod when he approaches because let’s be honest you don’t know his name. Was it John? Matthew? Mark? Maybe Luke? Okay now you’re just naming biblical figures. Just smile and nod.

Him? Who?

15 Reasons Why You Don’t Need No Man

1. You are a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to validate her self-worth.
   

   All hail the queen.

2. Your best friends will never think anyone is good enough for you (and they’re probably right).
   

   Your girls: Always there when you need ’em.

3. This is a thing.

15 Reasons Why You’re Skipping Class Today

WELP

1. Searching for that grade-A Miley sideboob on Google Images

2. It’s kind of cold and you have a blanket on and yeah Steve, we all know it’s only like a five minute walk to class and we’re here to go to school but would you just shut the fuck up and let me lay in bed

3. Just discovered Parks and Rec on Netflix

4. Seemingly nice guy you met at a frat party on Saturday still has you tied-up in his basement

5. Refusing to go to class until government shutdown is over

6. I don’t know, masturbating? Some people just have other things to do

7. It’s your mom’s birthday and you’ve always been a huge disappointment to her and the rest of the family, so why not really rub it in?

8. Can’t seem to find the best way to punch that hooker in the face in GTA V

9. Broke down and tried all three of Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos last night and you just need to take a little time to think about what you’re doing with your life because things really aren’t looking good. Things rarely do after spending 7 hours on a toilet

10. Cocaine addiction is a full-time job.

11. Class doesn’t allow laptops and Buzzfeed posted 23096 new puppy gif articles you need to look at

12. Just can’t take another second of listening to that bitch Marie rant about how much she hates the patriarchy and the inherent unfairness of society in the MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN PHYSICS LECTURE, OF ALL PLACES

13. You’re a theater major doing method acting for your one-man-show about a guy who just hates going to class

14. You’re just fucking fed up, ya know? Like, why are we in school anyhow? This whole thing is stupid.

15. Because fuck you, that’s why

10 Reasons New York Fashion Week is Really, Really Drunk

We know they’re lightweights, but come ON. Here’s why we suspect NYFW is sloshed out of its mind.

1. Because hoodie weather is PERFECT for a sleeveless crossword puzzle.

22-Across is more than just a waist measurement.

2. Because He-Man wore white after Labor Day.

Seriously though, fucking come on

3. Because someone took inspiration from my brother on Desperately-Need-To-Do-Laundry Day.

99 Things You Could Do Instead of Laundry

Okay but this is a great picture.

1. Eat cheese.

2. Pluck your eyebrows.

3. Get a pet rock.

4. Boil some spaghetti and use it as pet rock hair.

5. Put your spaghetti-wigged pet rock on someone’s porch. Ring the bell and run away.

6. Wait until it’s dark out. Turn on the lights, roll up your shades, and perform for the passersby outside your window.

7. Go to a restaurant by yourself.

8. GET OFF MY LAWN.

9. Clean all of the dirt out from the spaces between the keys on your laptop.

10. Eat cheese.

3 Images From 90’s Cartoons That Prove We Are The Most F*cked Up Generation In History

Everyone claims that their generation had the best of everything. My parents claim that they had the best music (they didn’t), and my grandparents claim they had the best wartime draft (they did). However, one thing the 90’s can definitely stake a claim to is the most disturbing cartoon. Seriously, just about every cartoon that aired in the 90’s could have single-handedly created an entire generation of unbalanced psychotics. In fact, I am fairly sure they did. 

An ode to Northwestern memes

In the great Northwestern University student tradition of never doing anything original ever, we have succeeded in completely ripping off funny Madison students and made our very own Facebook group for Northwestern-themed memes. And even before Madison made their group, Sherman Ave’s very own Evander Jones and Ross Packingham engaged in a daylong meme duel on Facebook, laying waste to the timelines around them with their brutal label-based humor bludgeons. If you were Facebook friends with them and missed out on these two wunderkinds making memes of each other and generally raping newsfeeds everywhere, I feel bad for you. It would be akin to taking Professor Bailey’s Human Sexuality class and skipping the optional after-class discussions.

But even though it’s not original, Northwestern Memes is awesome. I mean, nobody cares if you’re copying someone else as long as you do it better, and we are definitely doing it better. My complete and utter lack of interest in Madison has prevented me from even perusing their meme group, but I can’t imagine it being anywhere as good as Northwestern Memes.

I love memes. Who doesn’t? They’re hilarious. In our modern ADD society, they offer quick, digestible little nuggets of insight and satire about our modern culture. They are the Internet at its greatest, smartest, and funniest. Sometimes they even reference such awesome things as Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings, which if you haven’t seen or read Lord of the Rings then you probably aren’t a Nerdwestern Northwestern student.

As a result, I love Northwestern Memes. I’m going to break down why I love Northwestern Memes into a list for you. Here’s why:

1. My last three articles have been thousand-word slogfests about coffee and/or Newt Gingrich, and I’m sure you’re all tired of it.
2. Sherman Ave is even better at doing lists than we are at making YouTube videos that get 10,000 hits in two days, so this is pretty much guaranteed to be awesome.
3. I want to write an easily digestible reflection on the easily digestible nature of memes.

See? Wasn’t that an awesome little list? Wasn’t it easily readable? Yes it was. Everybody loves lists, just like everybody loves memes. So without further ado, here’s a list of why I love Northwestern Memes:

Some of Them are Funny
Since Northwestern is full of people who are smart and aware of trends, some students have significant experience with memes, and it shows. Some of these memes would be genuinely funny even by the standards of the greater Internet, just as there are some students here who would be considered hot at any college. Just not many. Which leads me to my second reason for loving Northwestern Memes…

Some of Them are Spectacularly Unfunny
Yes! Hoo ha! Most people posting pics to this group are clearly making memes for the first time. Thus, we find ourselves faced with people who don’t understand memes, people who don’t understand specific memes, people who are just not funny, and people who are kind of funny but are fitting long-winded jokes onto a small meme template. It’s always fun to watch people fail. This is why everyone loves this year’s GOP presidential race.* What’s that? I sound like a condescending hipster? Well, I’m not the only one…

Meme Haughtiness
Some people hate hipsters. I love them. I find them hilarious, especially when the thing they’re being hipster about is silly and meaningless. Like say, the ability to make memes. Some of the very first posts in Northwestern Memes were warnings about how we were in for a flood of bad memes. And we kind of were…but it was still hilarious that people decided to lord their knowledge of the Internet as if it made them intellectually superior.**

It’s All a Giant Conspiracy
Turns out that all these “___ Memes” groups were started by one guy as an advertisement for an all-encompassing “Campus Memes” website he’s making. It’s a conspiracy! As if you didn’t already have enough reasons to love Northwestern Memes, here’s another: it has something in common with the assassination of JFK!

Ah, yes. But as much as I love Northwestern Memes, I do have one suggestion for improvement. Two words: more fucksaws. The memes are coming a mile a minute now, so maybe one slipped by me, but I have yet to see a single meme mention a single fucksaw. What’s the deal, Northwestern? Jokes about Asians are funny enough, but “I’m tired of talking about fucksaws” was probably the last line cut from the “Shit Nobody Says” video. I know the Keg is gone and Lodge is closed and stuff, but c’mon guys. Fucksaws, I tell you.

Other than that, keep on tracking.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Sorry, I just couldn’t stop myself from referencing it. I’m done now though. I promise.
**Morson alert!