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Tag Archives: local

Local Man First to Notice Easter and 4/20 Are Same Day

19 Apr

SALINE, Mi. – According to sources, local man Evan McSweeny pointed out to a small group of his friends this afternoon that the holiday of Easter and the cult holiday of 4/20 occur on the same day in the year 2014 – April 20th.

“Yeah man, isn’t that nuts,” McSweeny reportedly commented to his friend group while giggling wildly. “Jesus is gonna be getting high off of God and shit, and off of some gnarly kush.” Continue reading

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Northwestern Shuttle Missing for Ten Days; Found in Lake Michigan

29 Mar
Pictured: the approximate search area for the missing bus.

Pictured: the approximate search area for the missing bus.

EVANSTON, IL – A bus along Sheridan containing a full load of zero passengers recently disappeared from campus. After ten days of intense lounging-about, authorities announced that they believe the bus was driven into Lake Michigan.

“Once we finally left the police station, we noticed the bus sized holes through Kellogg and the Main Library. Honestly, at first we assumed this was just the typical decrepit state of the campus buildings, but after following the trail through Einstein’s and Core 1N we noticed a bus-like-object face down in the lake” explained Head of Campus Police Ross Sweet.

Medill sophomore Tiffany Jenkinson pointed to the SGA’s failings: “If only we had spent our 10K on black box program for the buses, we would have more complete record of what exactly happened; the debris, tire tracks, and witnesses just can’t paint the same picture as an audio recording of the deafening silence as the empty bus plunged into the depths of Lake Michigan.”

Continue reading

Northwestern Student Not Sure What Jacket to Wear

14 Mar

EVANSTON, IL – As the temperatures finally increased above freezing, Northwestern students were faced with a new set of anxieties.

Sidewalks became moats as the 2 feet of snow from the heinous nightmare of a 5 month winter finally started to melt, allergies began to spread, and worst of all, the decision of what jacket to wear became increasingly difficult.

Weinberg Sophomore Ethan Hall spent 15 minutes alternating between Continue reading

Dance Marathon Participant Has Common Cold; All to be Infected

7 Mar
(via Vimeo)

(via Vimeo)

EVANSTON, IL – Weinberg freshman Stephen Linder has the common cold and will infect all participants in Northwestern’s Dance Marathon, which begins tonight. Linder has a sore throat and a runny nose, and everyone trapped inside the tent outside of Norris for 30 hours will eventually experience the same symptoms.

“Oh, boy, it’s going to be spreading like the plague in there,” said Tim McGuilicutty, MD Vice President for Medical Affairs at the Feinberg School of Medicine. Experts have confirmed that Linder will wipe his nose and then hi-five his friend, starting an uncontrollable transmission of disease that will reach every single dancer.

Officials confirmed that as they hit the second three-hour time block, dancers will begin to sniffle. By the fourth, they’ll have headaches; and by the tenth, they’ll be coughing violently.

“It’s going to be a cesspool of sweaty germs rubbing up against each other, like a human-sized petri dish,” said McGuilicutty.

To avoid infection, officials suggest not dancing. On a more positive note, doctors don’t expect to see any Saturday Night Fever during DM.

20 Things Northwestern Could Do with $10,000

5 Mar
(via nusports.com)

(via nusports.com)

Northwestern University recently sent out an email with the five ideas proposed for the ASG 10K initiative, a program that gives the student body an opportunity to invest $10,000 to improve life around campus. However, I, the esteemed Reverend Turlington, frankly don’t like any of the ideas very much at all. $10,000 on Christmas lights? Come on. Here are 20 better things NU could do with $10,000:

  1. Offer live entertainment in the dining halls
  2. Construct a statue of Frances Willard
  3. Found a Continue reading

22 Things I’ve Learned So Far This Winter

8 Feb
(via Northwestern)

(via Northwestern)

1. If it drops anything less than 12 inches of snow, I literally do not give a fuck. I don’t want to hear about it on the news, I don’t want 100 statuses commemorating it on facebook, it doesn’t matter. Oh it snowed 10 inches? Rad. That happened twice last week.

2. There is no point in shoveling driveways or cleaning off cars, because in 12 hours SHIT IS GOING TO BE COVERED ONCE AGAIN IN FUCKING SNOW.

3. It may be time to accept the fact that Continue reading

No One Sure Why They Went to The Deuce Last Night

7 Feb

EVANSTON – Faced with the throbbing psychological pain of a punishing 10 AM alarm on Friday morning, sources confirmed earlier today that not a single person on Northwestern University’s campus could provide an explanation of why they had gone to the Mark II Lounge the previous night.

Alternate slogan: "Ruining dreams since forever." (via mullensbarandgrill.com)

Alternate slogan: “Ruining dreams since forever.” (via mullensbarandgrill.com)

Most students reported that they wished fiery, bloody destruction on the Deuce and all of its owners, employees and patrons. Continue reading

Man Waiting by Mailbox for Check from Esurance

3 Feb
check-mailbox

Halloran, conveniently photographed as he was checking his mailbox from the inside of his mailbox.

Northville, MI – Local man Brian Halloran, 34, as of 8:37 AM today, has been anxiously waiting by the mailbox in front of his apartment complex, expecting to receive an immediately-cashable check from insurance company Esurance.

“They said on ad I get money,” Halloran remarked. “I like money.  I want money.  If I wait here, I get money.  Want money now.”

Esurance, a company that sells car insurance, made national waves when they ran an ad immediately following yesterday’s Super Bowl, promising to give away $1.5 million to a random twitter user, provided the user tweeted the hashtag “#EsuranceSave30.”

Halloran was one of the 25 million twitter accounts to do so, each of which tweeted the hashtag an average of two times, making the total number of #EsuranceSave30 tweets total 50,000,000.

“I win money,” he said to himself at 9:29, 10:16, 11:53, 1:44, 3:20, and 5:02 today. “Win money get happy.  Esurance and Jim Halpert give me money.  I like money now.”

Halloran’s odds to win the $1.5 million, which would most likely be less than half that amount when adjusted for taxes, are 0.00000002%.

Everyone Totally Notices That One Little Thing You’re Really Self-Conscious About

15 Jul

Um.

SEATTLE – A recent survey of everyone you know and hope to meet has revealed that every single person around you constantly acknowledges that one tiny fault that you’re really uncomfortable with.

Though you have hoped that nobody would pay attention to that one little thing you really hate about yourself, sources have confirmed that everyone you’ve ever met and will meet over the course of your entire life is constantly, and will constantly be, paying attention to that specific thing.

“It’s really the only thing that defines him as a person,” said your best friend who swore to never really pay attention to that minute detail that you hated every having to acknowledge. “How could I not notice? It’s disgusting and terrible and really makes him a person that everyone should criticize.” Continue reading

Cheer Bear of the “Care Bears” On The Loose After Vicious Rampage At Gay Pride Parade Over Rainbow Insignia

2 Jul

Killing machine.

CHICAGO – Sunday’s Gay Pride Parade took a colorfully deadly turn as Cheer Bear was on the rampage following a freakout over her famous Rainbow insignia. The incident took place immediately after the Puerto Rican Jewish Baptists Transgender float passed Belmont and Halsted in one of the peaks of the parade.

“Suddenly there was this pink blur in the middle of the street,” said Pride performer Julius McQueensta The Precious III, “And then we all saw this bear ripping down the floats and all of the rainbow flags. I thought it was part of the act until I noticed she was too fierce to not have any body glitter on her.” Continue reading