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Tag Archives: Los Angeles

Team-by-team Predictions for the NFL in 2014

2 Jan

We all know how this season’s Super Bowl will go down. Bill Belichick, after using his rarely-confirmed-but-widely-assumed necromancy powers to revive Rob Gronkowski’s knee (and also hiring Nancy Kerrigan’s boyfriend to demolish Peyton Manning’s knee), will lead his team of diabolic henchmen to yet another Super Bowl appearance. Combining his black magic prowess with a well-used and peculiar gravitational phenomenon that occurs around Giselle Bundchen’s breasttaking breaths — did I get that right? — the Patriots will win the Super Bowl by 30 or 40 points over the opposing team, who could be basically anyone but the Eagles.

In the off-season and beyond, however, the picture is less clear. To help guide you through what should be a fascinating year in the NFL, here are our predictions for 2014. Continue reading

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Sherman Ave Interviews: Renee Engeln-Maddox (Part 1 of 2)

29 Sep

Earlier this summer, Sherman Ave editors Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III interviewed Psychology professor and Allison Hall live-in Renee Engeln-Maddox at Sherman Ave Headquarters.  If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, it’s because that’s what happens when we decide to wait to publish interviews for three months due to reasons.

Renee, shortly after releasing what a terrible, terrible mistake it was to agree to an interview with us.

Renee, shortly after realizing what a terrible, terrible mistake it was to agree to an interview with us.

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Packingham: We noticed you didn’t bring your dog to his interview… Is he gonna make it, or…?

Renee: He’s visiting Grandma right now, actually.

Twattingworth: Well, all of our questions were for him, soooo…

Renee: Oh, do you want me to leave? He doesn’t really know many words, though. Plus he would get dog hair all over your apartment.

Packingham: Probably not the worst thing this apartment has been through.

Twattingworth: This is actually the cleanest it’s looked in weeks.

Renee: This is… Um. You cleaned?

Twattingworth: A lot.

Renee [pointing to where we stashed the beer pong cups]: Meaning you stashed the beer pong cups in a row?

Twattingworth: Well that cup used to be over here.

Packingham: Do you watch Game of Thrones?

Renee: Mhm, I unfortunately got really excited about the new season and I yelled to my Psychopathology class, Continue reading

Sherman Ave Interviews: Morty Schapiro

6 Jun

The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview.  Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.

"I'm allergic to cats."

“I’m allergic to cats.”

Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?

Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?

Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.

Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.

Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?

Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.

Packingham: Like a Budweiser?

Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American Continue reading

Extra Shuttles to Run at USC as Temperatures Drop Below 70

30 Jan
Former USC football player O.J. Simpson, putting on gloves to protect him from the bitter cold.

Former USC football player O.J. Simpson, putting on gloves to protect himself from the bitter cold.

LOS ANGELES – Sources report that the University of Southern California student body received an e-mail from the school’s administration today announcing that extra campus shuttles will be running tomorrow, due to extreme weather conditions.

Since early last fall, meteorologists have been predicting that the Los Angeles metropolitan area would likely see the “coldest winter yet,” with temperatures dropping as low as 65°F, with even the possibility of some rain that’s almost cold enough to maybe seem like it could be snow if it were a lot colder.  The university’s president, C.L. Max Nikias, explained that the university had contracted the shuttles in November as a precautionary measure. Continue reading

Evanston in Your Mouth: Your Guide To Eating Out Around the Northwestern Campus

9 Jul

Dine so hard

Northern Evanston, home of Northwestern University, is a hub of diversity. From its upper-middle class homes, to its upper-middle class citizens, to its upper-middle class dogs in sweater vests – it is difficult to find a place with more cultural variance. Though the Evanston community is about as stereo-typically white as Drake’s Bar Mitzvah, it is actually home to a wide variety of restaurants.  In order to help the student body with its Evanston Dining Experience, Sherman Ave has developed a comprehensive guide to Evanston dining, categorized by mouthgasm rating:

ORAL ORGO

The restaurants in this category are less than enjoyable. The food is not necessarily bad, but like taking orgo, it will leave you bored, tired, and wanting to be drunk.

Continue reading

West Coast Report: Straight Outta Compton, it’s the Kids’ Choice Awards!

2 Apr

Sources inform us that the orange carpet was specifically engineered to match Speaker Boehner’s skin.

Being a student at USC has some big perks; chief among them is being able to attend the orange carpet (see what they did there??) for the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, that annual orgy of slime (or “undisclosed green liquid,” as subsequent research confirms it to be), aspiring basic-cable pop stars, and overly media-saturated tweens. Or, to put it more concisely, the cultural watershed of the year. Needless to say, I was front and center to live-tweet the shit out of the orange carpet scene and its pulsating star power.

“But I don’t follow @rkearney892 on Twitter!” you all may say.

To which I reply, “Fear not! The night’s events shall be recapped in article form lest you miss the chance to live vicariously through my celeb-filled existence!”

For those of you who have lost touch with the Nick universe as time passed (read: every one of you here), you may have a tough time adjusting to some of the changes that I discovered. For example, Rosie O’Donnell is no longer considered a kosher host for a children’s awards show! I know, right?! Also, the A-Teens were not nominated in a single category this year. Apparently kids have moved on. Go figure. You will be relieved to know, however, that the same sense of whimsy and vapid tweeny-bopper culture is as potent as ever. But I digress. Without further adieu, the play-by-play of the KCA2012 Orange Carpet:

The evening got off the ground on a fairly slow note, at least for the 19 year-old males in the crowd of gawkers (read: me and only me). While the kiddies around me chanted eagerly for BTR! BTR! (that’s Big Time Rush, a Nick-manufactured pop group) to arrive, they were temporarily satisfied by the presence of someone named “Ariana.” You may say to yourself, “who the fuck is Ariana and why is every girl shrieking ‘we love you Ariana!’” And I answer, not sure, but the Internets tell me that she is a cast member on the popular show Victorious, starring the very lovely Victoria Justice (more on her later). But then shit got real. Cody Simpson, that’s right, the Cody Simpson, AKA the Australian Bieber, graced the carpet, looking charming as ever. Swoon. With the frequency of obscure (or thrilling, depending on what millennium you were born in) Nick cast members arriving getting faster and faster, Phase Two of the orange carpet experience was ready to launch.

Sherman Ave couldn’t afford to send a photographer out to L.A., so a phone pic of One Direction will have to suffice

And what a violent phase it was! Like some Tea Party Patriots rockin’ their tri-corner hats and waving their oh-so-clever “Stop Obamunism” signs, these bitches were whipped into a frenzy. They booed the shit out of the riders the decrepit L.A. public school buses for blocking the view; they whipped out their totes adorbs homemade signs professing their love for [insert pop star here], blocking everyone’s views; and they started shrieking. Oh, did they start shrieking. By the time One Direction(look it up) showed up in their classy British car as if they were the Beatles’ grandkids, the fine line between rapture and riot was growing ever-fuzzier. What would happen with this rowdy bunch of tykes???

Thankfully, they got the worst out of their system following the big entrance of 1D (That’s One Direction, and not “Wendy,” as I initially thought they were chanting). And the arrivals just kept getting better. Miranda Cosgrove, surprisingly bashful! Jeanette McCurdy, taking pictures back at the audience! Victoria Justice, as classy and down-to-earth as you’ve no doubt assumed she’d be! And the show was even kind enough to invite Allyson Stoner, whose career peaked kissing baby Taylor Lautner in Cheaper by the Dozen 2, and Jesse McCartney, bless his heart, whose entrance may have been the finest example of *crickets chirping* in modern times. Poor guy. Jesse’s extinguished flame aside, though, things could not be going more perfectly at the orange carpet.

Then disaster struck.

Perhaps out of pity for my followers, God stepped in and sapped my phone of all power. That’s right, at the single most important live-tweeting moment of my career, I was rendered impotent. I mean, how could my awesome celeb sightings possibly be legitimate if they weren’t showed off to everyone I know?? They couldn’t.

Making the situation even more heinous (you’re welcome, Sherman Ave) was the sheer caliber of the stars that showed up while I was off the grid. Katy Perry in a shitty blue dye job! Heidi Klum, sans Seal! Josh Hutcherson, AKA Peeta from the Hunger Games, savoring the attention like a mofo! Nick Cannon and Chris Rock (da fuck?)! Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, in an entrance that gave me a total Spidey-gasm! The spawn of Smith, Jaden and Willow, with the trademark family swag! And the High Priestesses of teendom themselves, Selena Muthafuckin Gomez and Ashley Tisdale, best friends as you always dreamed they’d be! How oh how could the world know that I saw all of these people??

The closest Brother Jürgen will ever get to Victoria Justice

Thankfully the good sirs at Sherman Avepicked up on my musings, and offered me the chance to share them with the whole Wildcat world. And you are all very lucky that they did. So that’s the story of my Kids’ Choice 2012 Orange Carpet excursion. You have now gotten to live the star-studded, slime-filled life vicariously through me. I would express my hope that this enhanced your KCA experience, but real talk, you’re all like 20 and it was a Saturday night. So I know weren’t watching. But thanks to me, you didn’t even have to!

And for that, you’re welcome.

Ryan Kearney