Why Lost Sucks

(Disclaimer: I speak as a former ferocious Lost fan. I scrutinized every episode, followed every backstory and knew every subplot. I was one of those fuckers that posted on Lostpedia).

Wait, this ISN’T an open audition for Survivor Season 27?

There are two types of people in this world: those who watched Lost and those who didn’t. If you are a part of the former group, then from the years 2004-2009 you led a life of blissful ignorance, un-perturbed by the nonsensical words of John Locke and the heavy breathing of Matthew Fox. If you are a member of the latter group, then my condolences. You most likely spent the better part of 6 years trying to understand that crazy island. But all that it amounted to was many hours spent watching unshaven, un-showered (yet improbably attractive) castaways as they tracked boars, fiddled with radios, killed “Others,” got locked in cages, and had dirty jungle sex. It was all a waste. Because in the end, Lost made NO. FUCKING. SENSE.

Let me break it down for you.

1. The Smoke Monster
Seriously, FUCK THE WHAT. The thing made sounds like Jurassic Park mixed with violent parrot sex. It… killed people? It was John Locke? It wasn’t actually John Locke? It was the Man in Black? MAN IN BLACK WHY U NO WILL SMITH?

Actually, it’s a storytelling device that kills off characters after the actors get DUIs. (Sorry, Mr. Eko. That shit sux.)

2. WHO. ARE. THE. OTHERS?
Attention to the writers of Lost: if you introduce a cool-ass new premise, follow up on it. There’s another group of people on the island who have been there doing shit since the 1950s? Hey, that’s cool! You know what would have been even cooler? IF YOU HAD EXPLAINED WHAT THE OTHERS WERE DOING THERE, OR HOW THEY GOT THERE, OR WHAT THE FUCK THE POINT OF THEM EVEN WAS.

3. The Scalp of John Locke
In Locke’s flashbacks, he boasts a head of luscious brown locks. But on the island, he is as bald as the day is long. I’ve sat down and done the math (don’t you judge). Those flashbacks weren’t that long before the crash. The poor bastard went from Farrah Fawcett to Mr. Clean faster than he could say 4,8,15,16,23,42. It makes no sense.

Which brings me to my next point…

4. THE NUMBERS
I just…I don’t…I can’t…why. I mean, I can’t even put my confusion into an eloquent paragraph. Why those numbers? Why in that order? What do they mean? Where did they come from? Why not a different sequence? Why not 69 69 69 69 69 69?

5. Sawyer 2.0: The genteel hero
This isn’t a mystery. I’m just upset about the hottest badass on television turning into Mr. Rogers. In the beginning, Sawyer was all “son of a bitch. No one understands me, I’m tortured, I’m smoldering.” But then motherfucker fell in love with Juliet, and he turned into a softie. No more angry stares, no more sexist remarks, no more racist nicknames, no more klepto tendencies. Instead, Sawyer becomes the gang’s hero, their fearless leader (read: an annoying little bitch). Didn’t we already have Jack for that?

6. That Dude Richard
You know, that guy who wears eyeliner and doesn’t age. I don’t know what the deal with that is. I think it’s just one of those things that you have to accept. Like how it’s possible for Santa to travel all around the world in one night. Or why higher education is so ungodly expensive. Or why Chet Haze exists.

7. None of this matters anyway because the characters were in purgatory all along
Wow, seriously? Great. Awesome. The show ends and nothing is answered. The island was actually a weird, alternate-sideways-purgatory universe. COOL.

YOLO

I think the writers thought that they had come up with an elegant solution. They got to evoke faith and come up with neat resolutions for all of the characters (THEY’RE DEAD). They also waived their obligation to answer any of the mysteries. YOU CAN’T PULL ONE OVER ME, CARLTON CUSE AND DAMON LINDELOF! I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR SHITTY-ASS COP OUT ENDING.

Anyone can write a show, book, or movie that is full of mysteries. It’s explaining the mysteries in a sensible and logical way that takes talent. Lost writers, you fail.

Whatevs, I’m over it. Fringe, anyone?

Who to follow/like on Twitter/Facebook

This kid likes Sherman Ave. And somebody called Kate Upton.

Let’s assume, for a second, that you’re heinous. I know, I know: You? You’d never be heinous! Heinous is a bad thing! Like classes that don’t allow laptops or the fact that Tim Pawlenty was so drastically overlooked in the rational-fest that is the GOP primary! But based on the fact that you’re reading this honorable website, I’m gonna say you might be heinous.

And, if you’re as heinous as I imagine, then you may be thinking to yourself, “Ugh I totes feel like I don’t rully follow enough awesome people on social media!” Have no fear: Sir T-Worth is here to ruin the Internet with a nice little list of the best accounts to like or follow on Facebook or Twitter.

Sherman Ave
Why the hell haven’t you liked and followed us yet? We’re fucking hilarious. Do it now.

Your Friend From High School (@FriendFromHS)
This is probably the best parody account on the internet. Seamlessly weaving heinousness, ignorance, terrific spelling, unthinkable abbreves, plotlines and alcoholism into 140 character tidbits, FriendFromHS captures the essence of every townie. You’ll be treated (or tweeted!!! GET IT?!!?) to such joys as “WHY DOES EVER BARTENDA OR HIGH SCHOOL COACH I SLEEP WIT HAVE A WIFE?!?! uggggh #happyvd” and get to know her newly born twins, Caylee and JonBenet. This is potentially our pinnacle as a species.

Not Buster Olney (@Tripping_Olney)
If you love sports or comedy or ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney, look no further. TrippingOlney is the one account that successfully takes a sober, vanilla sports reporter and accurately puts him on LSD. Tweets like “WHY’D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? TO AVOID BEING SIGNED BY THE METS” provide a welcome respite from all the other incredibly serious accounts on this list. And you know it’s funny because he tweets in ALL CAPS.

Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden)
Sweet sultry seamstress of sexual synergy! America’s favorite underage future-sex-tape-star has never been one to hold back, be it in her choice of husband, affinity for flirting with pumpkins, or on Twitter. Stodden, who rose to fame for her, um, “mature” looks and marriage to former LOST star and 51-year-old Doug Hutchison at the age of 16, uses Twitter as her personal release for all that lusty, lusty lust she has pent up. She also uses an unthinkable amount of alliteration. Which is cool. But guys, she’s 17. Is this whole situation legal?

Did you seriously just tweet about how you became the mayor of the Norris Crepe Station?

Jed Bartlet(@Pres_Bartlet)
If you’re a West Wing fan, this is 2 e-z. But even if you’re not it’s well worth your time to follow the “fictional” president from the show. Bartlet’s tweets have the ability to appear as snappy 140-character one-liners, yet often make a valid point in a witty, concise way. The account’s creators stay true to the show’s character and stick both to his politics and style. But be warned: Bartlet was a Democrat (and perhaps the greatest president we’ve ever had) and his tweets follow suit. Santorum-huggers may want to stay away.

Facebook
OMG like it on Facebook, it’s so meta! Meta on meta on meta. Everything’s meta, I love being meta. I have no idea what meta means.

Newt Gingrich Ideas (@GingrichIdeas)
Newt Gingrich loves thinking of stuff. He loves thinking of himself as President, he loves thinking of divorcing his wife for a younger version, he loves thinking of the moon, and he loves thinking of ideas. This account has a direct link to Newt’s brain and such brilliant ideas as “Kittens.” or “Trick a Muslim into eating pork so I can steal his powers” or “Show up at the Grammys in a wig and accept all of Adele’s awards.” If we get enough people to follow this account, the Republican primary voters might remember he exists again!

George Takei
Guys he’s so funny. Like literally, who could have foreseen that Lt. Sulu would end up this balla? His Facebook page has seriously become my one-stop shop for all things random, funny, inappropriate, poignant, and in favor of marriage equality. He’s the definition of the old guy who knows how to use Facebook and he’s done a great job of establishing a personal relationship with his fans through caption contests and personal posts. We must reward this kind of behavior. Like him immediately.

Northwestern Girl (@NrthwesternGrl)
She just gets us. Northwestern Girl takes all of NU’s subtle habits, phrases, and tendencies and combines them into the epitome of an overachieving sorostitute who casually lives in Norris. Her knowledge of what makes NU students tick is at once enviable and horrifying, and tweets such as “We should totally do that. Let’s go during reading week!” and “When are you getting to Evanston slash when are we getting together???? FREAKING OUT” will leave you giggling alone in your room because you have no friends.

Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson)
Rainn Wilson’s Twitter picture is currently Jeremy Lin. That’s pretty all you need to know about this account. Wilson, who plays Dwight on the popular American version of the British smash hit comedy “The Office” airing Thursday nights on NBC even though Steve Carrell left, tackles comedy, politics, and everything weird on this account. Perhaps the best way to summarize Wilson’s eclectic Tweeting style is through this one: “They keep switching T-Mobile girls & thinking we won’t notice. Like Bewitched.”

Jenna Marbles (@Jenna_Marbles)
She’s taught us how to do The Face. She’s filled us in on how to trick people into thinking you’re good looking. She let us know what the ladiez do in the car. But now, everyone’s favorite YouTube

It's no Dmitri, but it'll get the job done.

comedian/likely stripper is dispensing her knowledge on the Twitters. Marbles fills her page with tidbits of heinous to keep us informed on how to like the white girl trash lifestyle 24/7. Anecdotes like “I just did the walk of shame from my living room to my bedroom” and “Couple of shots of tequila deep. Anyone else? Just me? Cool. *cries about life*” let you know that she’s the real deal, too.

Burnett’s (@_Burnetts)
This parody account highlights the lowlights of consuming perhaps the fifth worst vodka known to man. Tweets range from follower-submitted Burnett’s horror stories to polite encouragement that comes in handy when you’re reconsidering your life choices. Usually hilarious, _Burnett’s lets us remember that there are other heinouses out there in the world, if only you know where to look. One note of caution: sometimes this shit is too real.