A Comprehensive Timeline of Your Lifetime Crushes

Preschool crush: You may not have realized it at the time, but you definitely had a crush on someone at preschool. Your preschool crush was the coolest boy in the class: the one whose mom let him wear his hat backwards on their walk to school and built the biggest block towers every single day. EVERY girl wanted to play with this kid. One time, all the girls probably formed a circle with the boy in the middle, joined hands and chanted his name in what appeared to adults as some sort of kiddie-satanic ritual: Dominick, Dominick, Dom-i-nick. He ate that shit up.

3^rd grade crush: Your third grade crush was the first boy you ever thought wasn’t completely gross. He was a total jock. He could

An Open Letter to My Newsfeed

(via guardianlv.com)

Dearest Newsfeed,

We’ve been through a lot together. You’ve seen me at my darkest hours. Those hours when the juices of procrastination were oozing out my every pore and my soul was the emaciated shell of an empty Red Bull can. You’ve been by my side for many excellent decisions, such as when I drunkenly chatted my middle-school boyfriend “just to say hey.” We even took Stats 202 together.

You get me. You know that when I say “hide from newsfeed,” it means I’m sick of seeing that kid’s damn face or hearing about that girl’s stupid day. You’ve molded to my desires like a memory-foam mattress. You know what statuses I’m going to “like,” because I do, in fact, like them. When my best friend adds a new photo, you make damn sure I see it.

You share with me

The Inferno: The Nine Circles of Valentine’s Day

Until recently, I had never been empathetic to the disease known as celebrating Valentine’s Day alone (symptoms of which include depression, overeating, and whining about February 14^th on any and all forms of social media). When you’ve ridden solo for nearly two decades’ worth of Valentine’s festivities, Singles Awareness Day eventually becomes a peaceful, practically meditative experience; instead of cry-sterbating and eating a tub of ice cream at my own personal pity party each year, I enjoyed a joyful day of solitude filled with a slew of rewarding personal activities (Okay, they’re the exact same activities as a pity party, minus the crying). While images of “love” and “happy couples” plagued me at work or school, I could safely journey home to escape any reminders of how depressingly sucky counter-culture it is to be single.

Never understood why Dante was such a big Static Shock fan (via toonbarn.com)

Well, that was until this year, for when I moved in with my roommate, I also unwittingly moved in with her boyfriend and all their couple-y bliss.

Luv Conquers @ll: The AIM Parlance between Two Star-Crossed 12-Year-Old Lovebirds

With Valentine’s Day approaching, instead of posting a “103 Reasons Why Being Single Is Awesome Justifications for Being Single and Hating Yourself” article, we thought we could revisit our flirtatious internet 6th grade selves on Valentine’s Day. What fun. Our archivists here at the Ave had to dig all the way past our now nonexistent dignity to The Awkward Ages, but we found the records. We found them, and after much deliberation we have determined that they must be published completely uncensored for the sake of journalistic integrity. Luckily, we also have documentation of BruneteBarbie14’s reactions to certain messages from s0cc3r_d00d.

s0cc3r_d00d: hey

Oh. My. God. He said hey. He’s so cute when he IMs me hey. What do I say? Be cool, be cool.

BruneteBarbie14: hey

s0cc3r_d00d: wats up

The Inner Monologue of a Girl Watching the The Fault In Our Stars Trailer

I don’t even know why I come to class at this point. I’m not going to pay attention. I’m pretty sure I learned this in high school. This is just stupid.

UGH Facebook is so BORING right now. C’mon people, give me something to look at.

Jeez, if this kid posts ONE MORE status about how cool his internship is, I’m going to find a way to make sure that shit doesn’t lead to a job after college. Because clearly, I have that kind of power.

Oh look, that bitch from high school gained weight. Poor girl. NOT. Haha, karma’s a bitch.

Okay maybe I’ll go look at twi—

The Fault In Our Stars Official Trailer? What?! WHAAAAAT?! I need to watch this.

“Her” “Really Changed Me” Says Friend Who Won’t Shut Up about “Her”

EVANSTON, IL – At 6:50 PM Saturday, your friend saw the film Her, and, since his time of viewing the movie, has, quite literally, not stopped talking to you about how you need to see it.

(via zukuheler.sourceforge.net)

“No, dude, you don’t understand, it’s very powerful,” your friend remarked to you late Saturday evening. “It’s honestly the most intimate love story I think I’ve ever seen.  Like, maybe more so than Eternal Sunshine.  No, I’m serious.”

Her, written and directed by the same guy who co-created a show where coke addicts willingly got kicked in the crotch for your entertainment, is, as far as you can tell, about a guy who falls in love with his iPhone.  You also noticed that the chick who played Mark Wahlberg’s wife in The Fighter is in it, and, you postulate, she’s probably pretty good in whatever role she’s playing.

The film has received acclaim critically, commercially, and from your friend, who just this morning texted you, reminding you to, if you have the chance, see it as soon as you possibly can.

“It changed me dude you won’t regret it,” your friend said over text message. “I know you like deep movies so I don’t see why you wouldn’t like this one.”

This marks the third year in a row your friend has incessantly pestered you to see a film he really really likes around Oscar season.  Last year, at his unrelenting behest, you saw Les Misérables, a movie that is approximately 8 hours long and features musical numbers sang by the guy from Gladiator; and the year before last year, he obsessively bothered you about Midnight in Paris, a movie directed by a 78-year old man who is married to his stepdaughter.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Norris University Center

Bonus: Norris can double as a Soviet bunker circa 1977!

Rumor has it that Northwestern is full of nerds, but I bet you’re thinking that the class of 2017 is gonna be different. “We’ll socialize!” you say, “We’ll never set foot in the library!”, “We’ll skip office hours to go to impromptu jam sessions on the lakefill!”

Ah, how grand it is to be young and naive. I bet you also think that, during all of your so-called ‘free time,’ you’ll spend hours laughing and being merry with friends in the student union, pausing from your leisure only to accept a beer from your waiter, or to play with one of the freely roaming puppies.

I’m here to burst your bubble and tell you that Norris is nothing like the heavenly place you have been dreaming about.

Places You Can and Can’t Meet Potential Love Interests at Northwestern

Maybe you’re a freshman looking for your first shot at college love, or maybe you’re a McCormick senior looking to kiss a girl for the first time – in either case, it’s difficult finding the right place on campus where you can meet a potential romantic partner. However, in efforts to increase the sad amounts of love and lovin’ on the Northwestern campus, Sherman Ave has put together a guide to which Northwestern locations are love-friendly.

Deering Library

Nope.

Graduating High School Senior Writes Hand-Written Love Letter to Crush

Lavecki included, along with the letter, the above photo of the sun rising over Lake Michigan, with the caption “one of us is the sun, one the city.”

GROSSE POINTE, MI – With only a few weeks before he is set to begin a new life at college, recently graduated high school senior Michael Lavecki has decided to “go for broke” with his long time crush Jessica Peterson-Caruso – by writing for her a hand-scribed, deeply confessional letter, detailing the vast array of feelings he has and has had for her for the last four years of his life.

“After this, dude, things are gonna be totally different,” he commented. “After she reads this letter, she’s finally gonna realize that what she’s wanted has been in front of her all along.”

The Six People You Drunk Dialed on Dillo

Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day…

So you survived Dillo. Congrats.

But you should check the call log on your phone once you dig it out of the lakefill mud. You blackout-called a ton of people:

1. Your mom
She was out gardening on such a nice Saturday when she got a call from her least favorite child:

“Hi honey, how is your day?”
“It’s not just a day, mom. It’s fucking DILLO DAY”
“Did you say it’s Dildo Day?”
“No mom it’s Dillo, don’t you hear Danny Brown playing?”

Your mom listened, horrified at the screeching coming through her receiver, but thankfully your bad service made Danny Brown sound somewhat tolerable.