Tag Archives: Major

Ermahgerd Recruitment: Your guide to translating and understanding Sorority Rush

9 Jan
Diversity!

Diversity!

Sorority recruitment is very chaotic. Sometimes it’s difficult to see clearly through the thick pink cloud of estrogen, and it can be hard to hear over the dull roar of WHAT’S YOUR WINTER BREAK WHAT DORM PWILD TELL ME ABOUT YOUR BOBB WHAT CLASSES HAVE NEW TRIER WHERE DO YOU ROOMMATE MY VALUES INCLUDE THE BAY AREA.

So that’s why I’ve got your back. Shit usually goes down something like this:

Continue reading

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

5 Jan
(via northwestern.edu)

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

Continue reading

Psych Major Loses 45 Friends in Quest for 30 Survey Responses

4 Dec

Blackwell, patiently awaiting her 30th respondent. (via vipdictionary.com)

EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University junior Psychology major Ramona Blackwell admitted in a press conference this morning that she has shattered 45 once-healthy friendships since she began seeking respondents for a survey last Monday. Continue reading

Graduating High School Senior Writes Hand-Written Love Letter to Crush

8 Aug
Lavecki included, along with the letter, the above photo of the sun rising over Lake Michigan, with the caption “one of us is the sun, one the city.”

Lavecki included, along with the letter, the above photo of the sun rising over Lake Michigan, with the caption “one of us is the sun, one the city.”

GROSSE POINTE, MI – With only a few weeks before he is set to begin a new life at college, recently graduated high school senior Michael Lavecki has decided to “go for broke” with his long time crush Jessica Peterson-Caruso – by writing for her a hand-scribed, deeply confessional letter, detailing the vast array of feelings he has and has had for her for the last four years of his life.

“After this, dude, things are gonna be totally different,” he commented. “After she reads this letter, she’s finally gonna realize that what she’s wanted has been in front of her all along.”

Continue reading

30 More Things That Go Through The Mind Of Every Northwestern Student (Almost) Every Day

30 Apr
Is it true that Morty once took Margaret Thatcher to a nice dinner and never called her back?

Is it true that Morty once took Margaret Thatcher to a nice dinner and never called her back?

Because 33 things that go through the mind of every Northwestern student (almost) every day just wasn’t enough.

1) OF ALL THE GIN JOINTS IN ALL THE WORLD WHY DID TISDAHL HAVE TO SHUT DOWN MINE.

2) No but it’s fine The Keg wasn’t that great I’ll just go somewhere else in Evanston OH MY GOD THERE IS NO WHERE ELSE.

3) TIIIIIISSSSSSSDAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

4) It’s April. Why the fuck do I need to wear a Northface in April.

5) If BK was a McDonalds I would be broke and fat.

Continue reading

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Use Facebook for Newly Admitted College Students

23 Apr
She did NOT just friend every member of the Class of 2017.

She did NOT just friend every member of the Class of 2017.

So you just got accepted into your dream college, or your “best fit school,” or your safety school, or the University of Chicago – congratulations! Now that you’ve gotten past this difficult step, there’s only one thing you have to remember: Every single person from these schools’ Facebook groups is watching your every move.

Yes, once you join “___________ University’s Class of 2017” Facebook group, there will be thousands of people going through your past, current, and future Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace (yeah, they find it), and Adult FriendFinder posts and pictures. In order to help you navigate this frightening new world, Sherman Ave has compiled a list of dos and don’ts that will provide some insight into how to act in the strange world of stalking.

Disclaimer: Sherman Ave cannot legally promise that these suggestions will help.

Continue reading

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Res College Power Rankings

27 Jul

Well camouflaged into the surrounding sorority habitat.

Residential Colleges at Northwestern are designed to enrich the intellectual, cultural, and social lives of their students by extending the learning environment from the classroom to extracurricular life. Essentially, a res college is a dorm filled with like-minded nerds and future friends you’ll spend the next couple of years drinking, arguing, and (for the truly venturous souls) hooking upwith.

Continue reading

How To Liven Up Your Summer

5 Jul

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you have spent more time walking around your house with your pants off than you ever imagined possible. It can all only mean one thing: summertime is here. Now, if you’re anything like me, spending six hours a day with your hand down your pants just isn’t cutting it (unfortunately, we’re not all thirteen and having your hand down your pants for hours is neither funny nor exciting anymore), so here are a few suggestions to make your summer more exciting.

Cats, meanwhile, seem to derive endless pleasure from sticking their tongue in their crotch.

1. Pick Up a New Hobby
Maybe you’ve always wanted to be a painter but have never had the time to work on your craft. Or maybe all of your Orgo homework has been interfering with your ability to build a replica model of the Northwestern Campus. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ve always wanted to test how long you could spend moaning in the massage chairs at Brookstone before a sales associate asks you to leave. No matter what your weird aspirations are, summer is the perfect time to explore them. Why spend all of your summer watching re-runs of Breaking Bad when you can start your own meth lab? (Note: Sherman Ave in no way supports or endorses the idea of starting a meth lab) From working on your guitar playing abilities so you can pick up that comm studies major that shot you down at the Keg during Reading Week, to teaching yourself Italian so you can pick up that comm studies major that shot you down at the Keg during Reading Week, to learning to breakdance so you can pick up that comm studies major who shot you down at the Keg during Reading Week – the possibilities are endless.

2. Get In Shape
For anyone who has ever been shot down by a comm studies major at the Keg (it was once dance, Julie! ONE DANCE!), you know it is important to be in your best shape to get through your daily life – and summer is the perfect time to work on that physique of yours. Unfortunately, when everyone returns to Northwestern, there will still be a month and a half until all warmth and life leaves Northwestern for its annual five-moth vacation – which means everyone will be forced to wear normal clothing. Yes, unless you want to look like that awkward kid wearing a t-shirt in the pool, you will have to go over a month without being able to don the traditional, body-blurring Northwestern attire.

Ross Packingham’s baby picture

3. Find Some Summer Lovin’
Summer is all about having fun and exploring, so why not have fun by exploring the body of a stranger? Now, Sherman Ave is in no way condoning putting your tongue in the mouth of a random stranger, because that mouth could very well be Ross Packingham’s – and that wouldn’t be fun for anyone. Despite the alarming possibility of this horrendous event, you should not feel hesitant to go out and get yourself some of that summer lovin’. This is especially true if you are going on vacation abroad – because nothing exemplifies immersing yourself in a foreign country like immersing yourself in one of their foreign tongues. Remember everyone: this is your last opportunity to hook-up with a state school student for at least three months – so take advantage of it.

4. Stalk the Northwestern Class of 2016
Did you know that there’s a Facebook group where current Northwestern students are not only allowed, but encouraged, to interact with the incoming Northwestern freshman? Did you know you can post horrible, horrible things in that group? You can. Have a few more self-gratification jokes you forgot to tell before everyone stopped caring? The incoming freshmen will find them hilarious. Maybe you never get enough likes on your status. Post it in the NU Class of 2016 – Get Involved group and the incoming freshmen will be so blown away by your intelligence, wit, and maturity that they will all like it. Remember: all incoming freshmen are naïve and suggestible – so be careful to not blow your one opportunity to take advantage of that.

Aw, somebody’s got a serious case of the fluff!

5. Read Sherman Ave
Maybe you enjoyed this article. Maybe you hate horses. Maybe you should call me …MAYBE! But whether any of those things is true for you, you can find something you enjoy on sherman-ave.com because we all share a common bond – a love of swearing, Morty – and penguins. In the end, isn’t that what this life is all about? Penguins, those adorable little bastards.

Translating Northwestern Listserv and Group Posts

17 Jan

Oh thank God, 20 more messages about the vomit in the bathroom!

If you go to Northwestern University, you are undoubtedly subscribed to a number of listservs and are identified as a member of many Northwestern-themed groups. Every day, you’re flooded with numerous emails and posts that you don’t give a second thought about. However, the majority of the posts do not mean what they appear to say. Since we at Sherman Ave are very concerned about maintaining an informed student body, we’ve compiled a guide to the most frequent listserv and group posts you’ll encounter at Northwestern.

Lost Items

Sample Post: “Hey guys, I lost my wallet and wildcard somewhere in the frat quad last night. I’m not sure where I dropped them, but I think I lost them somewhere around there. If anyone finds them, please let me know. Thx!”

Meaning: “I lost my self-respect and dignity somewhere in the Beta House last night. However, since my possessions are probably damaged beyond repair, I guess I’d be able to settle for being able to pay for meals to make up for all the food I ‘lost’ on the steps of Bobb.”

Interviews

Sample Post: “Hey, I’m a Journalism Major and I’m looking to interview someone who does [insert interest here] or has [insert problem here] for my enterprise story. If someone does [insert interest here] or has [insert problem here], please contact me. Thanks for the help guys!”

Meaning: “I really don’t have many friends because I spend most of my time learning grammar and worrying about Medill. I’m really excited to talk to anyone about anything. I don’t have great communication skills so scripted conversations are the only ways I can talk to anyone. Someone please talk to me…Please….PLEASE!!!!”

Selling Things

Sample Post: “I’m selling all of my books from Macro, Chem, and EDC last quarter. Contact me if interested. I’m very flexible on price.”

Meaning: “I’m dropping my real major for sociology. Last quarter was hell and I can’t stand to have these fucking books staring me in the face every time I get back “The Family and Society.” Will somebody please take them away? Maybe for a dollar? 50 cents? JUST FUCKING TAKE THEM!!!!!”

Funny Posts

Sample Post: “I came to Northwestern for the sports teams. We’re, like, SOOOOO GOOD at football lol.”

Meaning: “I’m not very good at coming up with funny things normally, but when I think of something, I need to share it with everyone I can. You should totes like my post and validate my self-worth.”

Ross Packingham replenishes his beer fund by scalping CSO tickets

Extra Tickets

Sample Post: “Me and a friend bought 5 tickets to [insert event here], but the other people can’t go. If you’re interested in coming, please message me asap. Thanks!!!”

Meaning: “My one friend and I bought extra tickets to [insert event here] because we really aren’t good at making friends, but we figured nobody could resists free stuff, so someone would have to be our friends. We thought about just paying people to be our friends, but we thought that was going too far. But yeah, everyone should TOTALLY come and be our friends!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ xoxo”

Hopefully this guide has helped you to understand the inner-workings of the minds of your fellow students.

7 Things You Miss About Being at Northwestern

14 Dec

Right now you’re probably sitting at home and staring at Facebook. You’re probably praying to the Almighty Tim Tebow that your life becomes more exciting. You miss Northwestern and you know it. Here are some of the likely reasons why you’re missing NU.

You don't understand. It's hot cookie bar.

7. The Cold
Now I’m going to be honest here: I don’t like cold weather. I’m not a fan of my boys retreating back into my body like the French during, well, any war ever. However, now that I’m away from the freezing helltrap known as Northwestern, I realize I do miss the cold. “Why?” You may ask. Well, to answer your question, Mr. Theoretical Man Who Talks to his Computer, the frozen domain known as Evanston provides us with two things: 1. The appearance of social skills; and 2. The chance to whine incessantly. Because nobody likes the cold, the vast majority of your conversations at Northwestern may be about how fucking cold it is – and though it would be unacceptable anywhere else to spend so much time talking about the weather, it’s okay here. Also, the biting cold lets you complain and swear as much as you want. Hell, if you wanted, you could walk outside and scream “Fucking Shit Bitch Damnit!” and have a simple “man it’s cold out” excuse to forgive your horrible language.

6. The Dorm Food
We’ve all got a secret fat person hiding inside of us (mine’s Israel Kamakawiwo’ole). When you’re home in front of your family, you must hide this fat person for fear of terrifying your parents and siblings; however, in the dining halls of Northwestern, you can let that fat person run wild. With chicken tenders every day, grilled cheese always on the menu, and ice cream galore, you can indulge your disgusting gluttonous desires each and every day at Northwestern (not to be confused with your other awful desires).

5. The Classes
You’re at Northwestern – embrace your inner geek. You love that you’re struggling to get a C in Orgo. You want to discuss Nietzsche every day. And each time you go to Russian Lit, Morson gives you a mini orgasm. You’re at Northwestern for a reason, and that reason likely isn’t your amazing rapping prowess…we can’t all be Chet Haze.

4. Gratuitous Hook-Ups
You’re disgusting. I mean, you are a sick group of horny little nerds. But that’s okay – it’s part of why we love you. However, since you’re no longer at Northwestern, your game probably isn’t doing quite as well as normal. Saying “I wish I was DNA Helicase, that way I could unzip your jeans” just probably isn’t flying with that General Studies major from the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater the way it worked with that “cute” girl from your bioethics class. I know you’re trying to convince yourself that your “self-help” is just as good as any vodka-induced adventures you’ve had at NU, but you know it’s just not the same.

You don't even want to see the stock-image for "self-gratification"

3. Fucksaw and Self-Gratification Jokes
Do you want to know how many times I’ve wanted to make a comment about fucksaws and masturbating in the showers in the three days I’ve been home? A LOT. Do you know how many times I haven’t been able to? TOO FUCKING MANY. And do you know how often I’ve accidentally mentioned self-gratification in front of MY MOTHER? Once….AND THAT’S ONE TIME TOO MANY. Without being able to talk about fucksaws, waxing the dolphin, or the cold weather – I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT ANYMORE. Since coming home, I feel like I may have to learn how to converse like a normal human being again, and I’m not ready to do that – and you probably aren’t either.

2. The Diversity of Thought
Unless you’re Rick Perry (in which case, please kindly go die in the most painful way possible), you’re probably a fan of tolerance and diversity. Northwestern provides more diversity of thought and belief than any place within 500 miles of my hometown. Though you may be fortunate enough to live in a place with rational people, the only thing my state has chosen to move forward on is reviving Pre-Civil War era policies. I appreciate Northwestern so much for how accepting it is of all people, and it’s something that you should miss and cherish as well.

1. Your Friends
I’m sure you have a ton of great friends back home. I’m grateful every day for the fantastic people I know in my hometown. But that being said, I still miss the hell out of everyone at Northwestern. Only at Northwestern will you have friends that are stumbling outside the Keg one day and then intensely developing a Chemical Engineering program the next. Your friends at NU are always there to help you stand up, and they’re certainly there when you’re falling down (you alcoholic, you). These are some of the best, most ridiculous people you will ever meet – and you’re probably suffering a little every moment you’re away from them.

There are so many reasons why you think you hate Northwestern, but you know you love and miss it there. So tough it out NU. You can make it. Soon enough you’ll be back at school just in time to freeze and die with the best student body on the planet.