Letter to the editor, from the editors

Please reference Vitamin C for additional ambiance:

Sometimes you start a blog your freshman year just for the hell of it. And sometimes, if you’re lucky, that blog grows in to one of the most important facets of your life, picking up over 50 additional writers along the way and garnering thousands of readers who, for some godforsaken reason, seem to enjoy our heinous publication.

Three years ago, I started Sherman Ave with the idea of making a site devoted to the culture of Evanston and Chicago. Peter Stein and Sir Edward Twattingworth III came along not much later, and took things to a whole new level. The next year brought a new generation of Aviators, including Chandler Dutton, who immediately became one of the site’s most important writers, editors, and leaders.

A Sherman Ave Dillo Day PSA

Written and Directed by Manua Hiki-Hiki, Starring Alabaster Chevrolet.

Thanks to all involved, and remember kids: You don’t have to drink to enjoy Dillo Day, but it sure helps.

Evanston in Your Mouth: Your Guide To Eating Out Around the Northwestern Campus

Dine so hard

Northern Evanston, home of Northwestern University, is a hub of diversity. From its upper-middle class homes, to its upper-middle class citizens, to its upper-middle class dogs in sweater vests – it is difficult to find a place with more cultural variance. Though the Evanston community is about as stereo-typically white as Drake’s Bar Mitzvah, it is actually home to a wide variety of restaurants.  In order to help the student body with its Evanston Dining Experience, Sherman Ave has developed a comprehensive guide to Evanston dining, categorized by mouthgasm rating:

ORAL ORGO

The restaurants in this category are less than enjoyable. The food is not necessarily bad, but like taking orgo, it will leave you bored, tired, and wanting to be drunk.

The 3 Facebook Atrocities That Old People Routinely Commit

I’ll be the first one to admit that I love Facebook.  I love Facebook in a manner that many wouldn’t describe as “platonic.”  I love intently scrolling down my newsfeed and discovering every minute detail of all the incredibly heinous people I know.  I love clicking through photo albums and practically becoming vicariously intoxicated through them.  I especially love defriending annoying people from my high school after they post the 30th consecutive status posting lyrics from a Rascal Flatts song.  However, a few years ago, my utopian virtual community was greatly endangered when my parents invited themselves into it.  Mom and Dad, I love you both very much, but here’s what it boils down to:  If you were alive when Nikita Khrushchev took office, you’re too old to understand the basic inner workings of social networks.  Thus, without further ado, I present:  The 3 Facebook Atrocities That Old People Routinely Commit.

"Wow, she's taking four at once!"

3. The Weird Profile Picture

I don’t know what it is about being born during the Eisenhower administration that makes the concept of a profile picture so difficult for older people to grasp, but it’s seriously becoming an issue. Part of the problem is that our nation’s soon-to-be social security recipients have managed to bastardize the sanctity of the profile picture in such a wide variety of ways.  The first infraction is the “Family Member” pic, in which a geriatric friend’s profile picture is a picture of his or her son, daughter, spouse, or something of the sort.  While this gesture is meant endearingly about 90% of the time (the other 10% is just old guys trying to make themselves seem younger so they can pick up cheap elderly floozies), it still adds confusion to the chaotic fuckshow that Facebook already is.  Another infraction of Prof-Pic etiquette is the “Doppelgänger” pic – an approach that gets old after about a week and only works if it’s a good doppelgänger.  (Side note:  I’m not putting an umlaut over the “a” in doppelgänger.  My computer is doing it for me.  I’m not that pretentious.  I also have a very serious personal aversion to umlauts.)  The doppelgänger approach is very proudly employed by my parents, or as strangers might know them, Lou Reed and Doris Day.  The third infraction is the “What the fuck” profile picture, in which the picture is something that literally could not make less sense.  Examples of this infraction include the planet Saturn, a garden hose, and a dead fish.

BUT YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T AT ALL.

2.  The Oblivious Comment

The only thing worse than old people being socially oblivious on their own Facebook pages is when their unawareness inevitably encroaches onto your Facebook page.  Old people have a tendency to make the most awkward and unfitting comments on statuses, wall posts, and pictures.  For example, I recently posted a link to Manua Hiki-Hiki’s Small Penis Rule article on my Facebook page, seeing as the central tenet of the Sherman Ave code is that shameless self-promotion is a must.  My step-father wasted no time in commenting: “Somehow, without even reading the byline, Pete, I knew this was you.”  Yep.  A small penis joke made at my expense.  By my step-father.  If that isn’t heinous, I’ve truly lost my grip on reality.  (On the bright side, a few years ago when he thought it would be appropriate to imply that one of my statuses was about masturbation, he at least had the good sense to message me his atrociously unfunny joke instead of posting it for the world to see.)  What’s even funnier is when older folks comment on a picture and fail to pick up on the fact that everyone in the picture is unreasonably intoxicated.  Comments like “Sitting down in the middle of Sheridan is unsafe!” or “Why are those cups arranged in a triangle?” never fail to bring unprecedented levels of discomfort to Facebook albums.

1.  Sincerity

A prime example of the atrocities that Facebook begets.

I honestly don’t understand what isn’t clear about this fact: Facebook is not about sincerity.  Facebook is not about congratulating people on achievements, expressing genuine interest in their lives, or sharing legitimate ideas.  It’s called Facebook, not Church Fucking Picnic.  Facebook is a never-ending competition to be the most obnoxious person you can be.  Facebook is about recording videos of someone sitting next to you in lecture and posting it to their wall.  Facebook is about finding a picture of a young Sir Twattingworth III and posting it on the walls of 35 friends.  Facebook is about posting the link to a Sporcle quiz on a friend’s wall to implicitly indicate that you aced the quiz and will subsequently power-trip about it.  Facebook is about finding your way into the Notre Dame Class of 2015 Facebook group and ruining it.  And as long as gerontology study subjects fail to realize the unthinkable heinousness of Facebook, they will be forever tainting it (lol) with their old person sincerity and awkwardness.

Places You Shouldn’t Meet a Girl

Continuing yesterday’s romantic advice of Manua Hiki-Hiki, Professor J. Reginald Vandernips offers some suggestions for inadvisable places to meet a future paramour.

Currently plotting the best way to get you to buy her a drink

You met her at the Keg.
Now, no one is criticizing you for lacerating some girl’s uvula on a beer and Long Island Iced Tea soaked particle board floor last Saturday. In fact, it would be a social infraction if you had actually bought her a cheap drink. But no matter, at that point you had already hopped the fence, swaggered in as if you weren’t a depraved freshman, and maybe gotten her digits (They still call them digits… right?). However, after your forgotten night of passion, you may have woken up with a text that said something along the lines of, “Lykeee, yah.less D@te!!!” Far be it from me to interpret such a heinous message, but it looks like you might have missed your chance for some shenanigans. When that broad wakes up, she’s not gonna want to relive that night again with you, and even if you look as douchey as you can possibly make yourself (Read: Chet Haze), she’s going to use every drunken night as an attempt to oppress the thought of you. Bottom line: Keg-Girls will abuse you like you abused her inebriation.

You met her at an Occupy Wall Street rally
Don’t even fucking touch that unless you want your genitalia pepper-sprayed.

You met her in an Intro class
Chances are she’s either a desperate sophomore or a sleazy freshman. At most, test them through a series of hardcore study sessions in the African stacks or the reference section; otherwise you’ll be listing Catullus poems, Kafka references, and economic models that relate to your downward-spiraling romance.

You met her in high school
Good luck.

The Pippa Middleton of the U.S. Coast Guard

You met her at the nearby Coast Guard base
Firstly, what the fuck were you doing trolling that part of town? You have some issues, but more than that, why are you creating a relationship with a timeline? Obviously they’re gonna ship out soon. Maybe you want a uniformed hookup buddy. I can respect that. But odds are, you’re gonna be dealing with some drunkard that had too much fun at a Chicago bar and just wants a good man cushion to drool on in a dorm before heading back to the base. Let that ship sail man. (Pun totally intended)

You met her in the library. She has a Starbucks latte in a reusable mug, a Mac, and four colored highlighters.
You just met the number one dominatrix on this campus and by the end of one night, you never want to hear the words feather, tickle, riding crop, and sex in the same sentence. Most likely you’ll have to put that bitch in a pentagram and say some demonic prayer to get rid of her.

You met her at Whole foods as she was perusing the patchouli aisle.
Well, chances are you’ll have some crazy drug-induced-euphoric tantric sex, but other than that, the earthen crust that has taken root in your hair is starting to breed, and you’re not sure that the infestation is something even Morty can demolish with a few McCormick fellows.

And you thought "stagflation" only referred to economic growth...

You met her at Kellogg
You might have to pay for sex on a regular basis and suffer through economic diatribes and a lackluster emotional exchange. In fact, you might wonder if she even has a soul. If she’s thinking of a future in investment banking, it’s a lost cause.

You met her in the SPAC showers
Think about that sentence for just a moment. See why that’s a bad idea?

BUT DON’T WORRY! There are plenty of places to meet young women to date. Unfortunately, those places don’t exist on the NU campus, regardless of how pretty or effeminate those maidens might be. You’ll just have to suck it up and nurse yourself to sleep with one of those Asian girl body pillows and sugar plum dreams of Eleanor Kinkervoss.

Five Things Not To Do While Making Out

Avoid Canadian rioters at all cost.

So it’s a Saturday night. You’ve been nursing many-a-can of PBR over the course of the night. You see a lovely looking potential lover across the Keg dance floor right behind the stripper pole. They shoot you an inviting stare with their glazed eyes. This is it: You’re about to engage in a forgettable night of passion with your sweetheart and only your 200 closest friends, acquaintances, and Keg bouncers looking on. Here are some things to avoid in order to make sure your venture into the mouth of another person goes swimmingly.

5. Attempt to Check Your Phone
Judging by the fact that you’re reading about making out online, chances are you do not have anyone deep inside your mouth very often. So because this is a very rare occasion, you should probably take some time to appreciate it and maybe stay off your phone for a few minutes (because God knows how long this person is going to tolerate you slipping your tongue towards their esophagus). I know that you’re excited to get that text from your mom about the new Zelda game arriving — and you should be, it’s bomb as fuck; however, you can probably wait until after you’ve completed your mastication of another human being’s mouth before you find out when you’ll be able to fight the Demon Lord, Ghirahim.

Mind if I suck your neck until small blood vessels burst under your skin?

4. Maul Your Significant Other’s Neck
Since we’re on the subject of consumption, I must advise that you control your primal urges and do not eat your partner’s neck. Maybe you watch a lot of Twilight(in which case, you may want to evaluate how you spend your time before you make any physical contact with another human being again), or maybe you just thought it was a good idea to experiment with bear mating rituals. Either way, stop. After their heinous encounter with you, people should not question if your lover has been viciously mauled by a carnivorous animal. I know you might be hungry, and her neck may smell good, but please don’t unhinge your jaw and latch onto her. You’re doing both of you a favor.

3. Moan
A make-out session is no time to unleash the walrus groan you’ve been practicing. There’s no bigger turn-off than releasing a passionate whimper or wanton squeal on an unsuspecting person. Save those noises for your self-gratification time when nobody else has to hear them — except for everyone around you in the SPAC showers.

2. Get Handsy
Listen guys, I know you’re excited. You’re kissing a real girl with real boobs and everything. Your parents are very proud of you, as am I. Now saying that, keep your goddamn hands to yourself. Since you first discovered those magical things attached to the front of the females body, you’ve probably desired nothing more than to go to Boobtown. However, Boobtown is a gated-neighborhood and you’re only allowed in by invitation — so just calm yourself and enjoy the fact that a person with those mystical possessions has let you anywhere near them.

"Oh boy, I sure hope you look this good when I'm sober!"

1. Talk
This goes for all people. There is only one thing that can ruin a perfectly good drunken hook-up: words coming out of your mouth. Nobody cares that this is your first time making out with someone on top of a hay bale, or that your ex-boyfriend never once looked you in the eyes when you kissed. You keep those sad little details to yourself. Remember, you are nothing more than a body with a mouth to your partner in primal satisfaction. Your feelings and thoughts mean as much to them as Rebecca Black’s new songs mean to the situation in Libya (I still love you RB).

Follow this advice and you too can have a beautifully heinous night of animalistic pleasure.