Advertisements
Tag Archives: marathon

Confused Persian Army Shows Up For Dance Marathon

6 Mar
Darius, adding some personal flair to the 30-hour dance.

Darius, adding some personal flair to the 30-hour dance.

EVANSTON – 600 triremes arrived on the shores of Lake Michigan earlier today, carrying 200,000 noticeably disoriented Persian soldiers fit for battle.

Darius the Great, who leads the army, has yearned to subjugate the Greek mainland since crushing the Ionian Revolt in 494 BC.  Upon landing his personal trireme on South Beach at approximately 2:25 this afternoon, he confidently stepped off his vessel and commanded his massive army to set up camp.

“This is where we shall go to war!” he shouted to his soldiers in his native tongue of Elamite.  “The Athenian swine shall shed their blood here, and we shall claims their lands as ours!  We shall rape their women and burn their houses!”

After attempting to inspire his men with visions of grandeur and bellicosity, Darius reportedly took a moment to survey his surroundings. Continue reading

Advertisements

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Wildcat Welcome Week

14 Sep

Prepare to develop a complex love-hate relationship with the color purple.

First of all, I would like to preface this article by stating that all of you incoming freshmen are lucky bastards. Wildcat Welcome Week is easily one of the greatest weeks in college (I see you, Halloweek). It is literally a week of debauchery and a few early morning events that the University believes will deter you from drinking. Wildcat Welcome Week will be your first taste of true college freedom and tons of upperclassmen will be on campus with nothing to do but twirl their thumbs and do their best to corrupt the shit out of you.

Continue reading