Freshman Launches “March Through Her Arch” To Convince Prospies To Commit To NU

Earlier this week, freshman Hailey Sutten reported an estimated 2000 male students from the class of 2018 have pledged to apply to Northwestern early decision due to  her sexual generosity. Sutten, a Biology major with a focus in anatomy, created the prospective student program March through Her Arch earlier this month in hopes of recruiting students who are aroused, yet curious, at the idea of attending Northwestern.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Wildcat Welcome Week

Prepare to develop a complex love-hate relationship with the color purple.

First of all, I would like to preface this article by stating that all of you incoming freshmen are lucky bastards. Wildcat Welcome Week is easily one of the greatest weeks in college (I see you, Halloweek). It is literally a week of debauchery and a few early morning events that the University believes will deter you from drinking. Wildcat Welcome Week will be your first taste of true college freedom and tons of upperclassmen will be on campus with nothing to do but twirl their thumbs and do their best to corrupt the shit out of you.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Making Friends

I see 2,000 future friends

One of the best aspects of the college experience is how many fascinating people you meet and subsequently engage in raucous shenanigans with. A good collection of bffles can be an essential asset in all of the tasks that you will face during your freshman year, from drunkenly yelling at buoys in Lake Michigan to figuring out how to torrent The Lion King 1 1/2 without getting caught.

At first, making friends with complete strangers in a strange, strange land replete with fraternities, an all-night Burger King, and theater students can seem like a frightening challenge. But that’s no cause for alarm. Everybody is in the same boat as you, and upon completion of your freshman year you will be astounded by how many cool friends you have made and how many mysterious names still remain in your phone’s contacts — the forgotten identities of all your over-eager peers who decided to try and befriend you due to your proximity to one another at March through the Arch. Just remember that friendships grow organically and cannot be forced, unless, of course, you follow our sage wisdom on how to meet new friends.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Hooking Up

That girl from your Intro to Microeconomics discussion section won't ever stand a chance

We all want action, but few know of a sure-fire way to find it. At college, the ability to suavely convince a random hottie to engage in romantic activities with scant emotional attachment involved can be an extraordinarily difficult, yet exceptionally valuable, skill to hone. Like snowflakes or the Kardashians, no two hookups are alike, from random slampieces to that one girl you’ve been lurking ever since the March through the Arch, so it’s important to be a paragon of subtlety while working your moves. Here at Sherman Ave, we are pretentious enough to think that we’ve seen it all when it comes to romance, and have compiled a fast and easy guide on how to get with that fast and easy special someone.