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Tag Archives: Mark Wahlberg

“Her” “Really Changed Me” Says Friend Who Won’t Shut Up about “Her”

19 Jan

EVANSTON, IL – At 6:50 PM Saturday, your friend saw the film Her, and, since his time of viewing the movie, has, quite literally, not stopped talking to you about how you need to see it.

Her Spike Jonze Love Story

(via zukuheler.sourceforge.net)

“No, dude, you don’t understand, it’s very powerful,” your friend remarked to you late Saturday evening. “It’s honestly the most intimate love story I think I’ve ever seen.  Like, maybe more so than Eternal Sunshine.  No, I’m serious.”

Her, written and directed by the same guy who co-created a show where coke addicts willingly got kicked in the crotch for your entertainment, is, as far as you can tell, about a guy who falls in love with his iPhone.  You also noticed that the chick who played Mark Wahlberg’s wife in The Fighter is in it, and, you postulate, she’s probably pretty good in whatever role she’s playing.

The film has received acclaim critically, commercially, and from your friend, who just this morning texted you, reminding you to, if you have the chance, see it as soon as you possibly can.

“It changed me dude you won’t regret it,” your friend said over text message. “I know you like deep movies so I don’t see why you wouldn’t like this one.”

This marks the third year in a row your friend has incessantly pestered you to see a film he really really likes around Oscar season.  Last year, at his unrelenting behest, you saw Les Misérables, a movie that is approximately 8 hours long and features musical numbers sang by the guy from Gladiator; and the year before last year, he obsessively bothered you about Midnight in Paris, a movie directed by a 78-year old man who is married to his stepdaughter.

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Sherman Ave’s Ideal Celebrity-narrated Children’s Books

2 May

Shit I’m high.

There’s nothing like college to remind you that your childhood is dead and gone.[1] A lot of people spend their time fighting this realization like I fight the societal norm of wearing pants when I go to Confession. To counter-balance the horrifyingly disenchanting reality of adult life, college students often blend their adult pleasures with their childhood loves, like getting high while watching Disney Channel original movies, drinking gin at playgrounds, or documenting which absurdly sexualized cartoon characters were your favorite. For me, though, there’s no better way to come to grips with reality than by having a very real, very adult celebrity read me a classic bedtime story.

But the truth is, you can only hear Christopher Walken analyze Where the Wild Things Are so many times before you start playing Russian Roulette in Vietnamese cockfighting dens. Similarly, I’m not exactly sold on Samuel L. Jackson’s reading of Go the Fuck to Sleep. It’s like he’s simultaneously trying to entertain me and NOT entertain me, which coincidentally sums up SLJ’s performance in the Star Wars prequel trilogy. And Drew Bledsoe’s promising It’s Not Going to Get Any Better When You Grow Up is another reminder of the many ways I’ve disappointed my father (not being an athlete, not getting into Yale, not closing the garage door that one time he asked me to- NO WONDER YOU NEVER HUG ME DADDY.)

We need more celebrities to step out of their comfort zones and read us children’s stories while hinting at adult themes. Northwestern alumn Stephen Colbert just wrote his own children’s book, I Am a Pole (and So Can You!),[2]so the children’s book market is obviously about to hit a bubble. But we don’t want the Morgan Freemans and Liam Neesons of the entertainment world reading to us — their voices are so smooth and tender that they’d put us to sleep. As young adults fighting responsibility and normalcy, we’re probably going to be smoking crack and arranging cross-dresser strip poker while we listen to these audiobooks. With those circumstances in mind, I present to you these children’s book/celebrity mash-ups.

And then there was a high speed car chase that somehow managed to make Mini Coopers look cool.

Go Dog Go, as read by Mark Wahlberg
Go Dog Go is a great book for those just beginning to read, so Marky Mark, who failed to graduate high school, is a perfect fit. Ideally, Mr. Wahlberg will avoid a tangent about how he would’ve prevented 9/11. Mark’s ability as an actor will complement his description of Go Dog Go’s illustrations: “And ah, here’s a feckin’, ah, feckin’ blue dawg, drivin’ a cah, how tha fuck’s he do that? He’s a dawg! And oh hey there red dog, whadda you up to? Say hi to your bitch of a motha fo’ me, okay? And why the fack are all these dogs in a tree? They don’t got no thumbs, how tha fack do they climb a fackin’ ladduh?[3]

The Very Hungry Caterpillar, as read by Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga has made herself the spokesperson for the disenfranchised, so a story about a morbidly obese insect that transforms into a narcissistic and self-absorbed glory hog is right up her alley. ‘Baby, you were born to eat that apple! And that pie. And that buffalo chicken sandwich… Just be you! You’re on the edge of glory gluttony!”

The Giving Tree, as read by Woody Allen
The author’s familiarity with Mr. Allen stems from watching the first 20 minutes of Midnight in Paris as well as several impersonations of the famed director-cum-statutory rapist. The man seems to be wracked by guilt, so a story about a boy who takes literally EVERYTHING from his best friend without saying thank you, and then dismembers his friend, and then sits on his friend because he can’t figure out what more harm he can do to his friend, is PERFECT for ol’ Woody.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, as read by Robert Downey Jr.
Who better than Iron Man to read a story about a series of escalating dares, about living on the edge, about pressing the envelope and doing coke off said envelope and using that envelope to flag down strippers? No one. Fuck Charlie Sheen. “And then the mouse asked for “milk” to go with that “cookie,” if you know what I mean. And then the cops came to the mouse’s house with a warrant, and then the mouse turned out to be really fucking high, and then the mouse got his shit together and became really cool. The end.”

The Little Engine That Could, as read by Carly Rae Jespen
Ms. Jespen’s life is so fraught with uncertainty, her dramatic reading of this classic would feel incredibly organic and emotional.

The Polar Express, as read by Tom Hanks Chet Haze
Mr. Hanks is a little too hung up playing World War II with his buddy Stephen Spielberg, but his prodigal son is a perfect fit to read the book that inspired the movie that starred his father in like, seventeen simultaneous leading roles. Knowing Chet via his twitter feed, The Polar Express would likely become The Bang Bus to Miami, complete with shirtless pics and metaphysical discussions about materialism.

You’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!

Oh The Places You’ll Go, as read by Nicolas Cage.
Just think about it.

Author’s note: Toni Morrison was asked to read The Kissing Hand but refused because the story involves raccoons. THAS RAYCESS. Additionally, Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro offered to read their co-authored story The Day Daddy Came Home Covered in Blood, but their submitted audiotape consisted only of the two Goodfellas actors saying “How am I funny?” and “You talkin’ to me?”


[1] Immediately after writing this sentence, the author broke down crying, clutching his blankie and Fuzzy Wuzzy bear. He only hopes you do the same.

[2] The author first interpreted this title as a racial slight against people from Poland, which fits well with Northwestern’s history of respect for diversity.

[3] If this interpretation of a Bostonian accent offends you, perhaps you should go watch the fackin’ Sawx game instead.

7 Movies That (sadly) Never Came to Fruition

6 Apr

As everybody knows, Hollywood is a restless hotbed of individual creativity. Unfortunately, some of the works of genius created by screenwriters never get turned into movies, a tragedy of the highest proportions. After extensive research, we have recently unearthed seven different scripts for movies that never quite made it to the box office, even though they totally should have.

7. Soul Patch

"That's the last flavor your chin will ever savor"

Apache Indian Harry Smoothface, tormented by the hair-owing realities of the modern world, finally has had enough. In order to wreak his revenge on American society (specifically targeting jazz musicians and TAs), Smoothface brutally scalps the soul patches from every victim he encounters. Starring Will Sampson (Chief Bromden from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest), this movie would totally have grabbed you by the hair on your chinny-chin-chin. Screenplay written by Dan Wonk and Calvin Streit, the same creative masterminds behind the thriller Death Perception, an action movie about the adventures of a one-eyed hitman for the mafia. Also keep a look out for Soul Patch‘s sequel, Soul Patch 2: Back on the Patch.

6. Casablumpkin

"I'll make it easier for you. Go ahead and shoot. You'll be doing me a favor."

1 man. 1 consenting woman. 1 toilet. What better way to start the beginning of a beautiful friendship? Set for filming in the early 50s, the thriller Casablumpkin combined action and romance to have you on the edge of your seat all night.

5. PROFESSOR BAILEY or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Fucksaw
Kubrick’s dark comedy exploring the absurd circumstances leading up to that catastrophic event. Set in black and white, the film would star comedic icon Peter Sellers, who would play the roles of Professor Bailey, President Schapiro, Faith Kroll, appalled student #2, Sean Lavery, and the drilldo. Unfortunately, Kubrick decided at the last minute that Professor Bailey wasn’t nearly twisted enough, and proceeded to make the lighthearted romp A Clockwork Orange instead.

"Hell is other people."

4. Crime and Punishment
Production for this Michael Bay film, starring Mark Wahlberg as an impoverished BU student and Matt Damon as a corrupt Boston Cop, had nearly began until Bay found out that the script had already been written by some Russian asshole. Unfazed, Bay is reportedly in talks with French screenwriter Sartre for the naming rights to his next blockbuster film, No Exit, a film starring Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, and Bruce Willis as three wrongfully convicted felons trying to escape the Louisiana prison “L’enfer.”

Don't fuck with this suffragist

3. Breaking Baaaaaaaad
Smart and sexy international spy Frances Willard must infiltrate the stronghold of the evil Shepard Residential College and foil their nefarious plot for campus-wide domination. Guest starring Master Morson, Eleanor, CSOs Patrick and Joel, Katia Bowers, Taiyo Sogawa, Gabe Bergado, and Katie Chilton as Willard’s hearty gang of affable misfits who transform into one cohesive unit over the course of the film.

2. The Room II: Revenge of Johnny
Johnny’s ghost returns to San Francisco to torment all those who wronged him during his lifetime. Lisa is attacked with animated spoons, that one random drug dealer is brought to justice, and Mark learns football. The sequel died in pre-production due to concerns voiced by writer, director, producer, and main actor Tommy Wiseau that the plot was “too straightforward and logical.”

This flag means so much to so many people

1. Alpha Delta
Acclaimed director Alexander Waldman’s planned documentary delves into the layers of mystery surrounding the world’s most prestigious frority, in an attempt to determine how it evolved from a loose coalition of Northwestern friends into a social group that places its members in some of the most high-profile positions around the world. Learn more about its shadowy founders and leaders, and be shocked by the revelation of which contemporary figures belong to this badass institution (including a Congressman caught in the throes of a sex scandal, 3 New York Knicks cheerleaders, a professor at Harvard, 2 convicted art thiefs, and one People’s Sexiest Man 3 times running).