#GetFuckedBC

You never forget your first time.

Hello there.

Are you a BCS team from an automatic qualifier conference? Are you traveling to Evanston in the near future? Are you the Boston College Eagles!?

If so, then on behalf of the Northwestern Wildcat football program and the 250 or so bored students from the Greater Chicagoland area, we cordially invite you to get fucked.

First off, let us begin by complimenting the entire BC defense on how well your faces have recovered from the monstrous welt Kain Colter’s schlong gave you in last year’s season opener.* We’re mostly just impressed that you came back for more after that thorough 24-17 dicking.

Doesn’t the Catholic Church have some sort of policy against the bestiality you are about to endure at the mercy of Venric Mark and the Northwestern wide receiver corps? We always knew that Jesuits were pretty chill about that sort of thing, but still.

Regardless, it’s kind of rude for Notre Dame to seek an injunction against the HHS mandate just so Boston College football won’t be able to receive the sexual health care it will need after getting so totally fucked by NU this Saturday afternoon. It’s not like Notre Dame was going to need any help beating you guys anyway.

Speaking of sensitive religious topics, stop trying to inquisition us.

We know we were once called the Fighting Methodists and all, but nowadays most of our students are either Jewish, godless socialist Democrats, or Markwell. Fitzwizardry isn’t heresy, and with the exception of your defensive backs, nobody’s getting torched this Saturday. Give it a rest, and spend less time trying to impose canonical law with the arm of Chase Rettig and more time getting fucked.

The only thing more depressing than being the third best college accessible via the T will be Chi Chi Ariguzo’s physically and emotionally damaging defense. The only thing more unsettling than Frank Spaziani’s mustache will be how Ifaedi Odenigbo methodically destroys everything you hold holy — starting with Doug Flutie and ending with Tip O’Neill, Scott Brown, and Matt Ryan — in an assault that transcends the boundaries of time, space, and party politics.**

Simply put, Pat Fitzgerald the Fighting Methodists will fuck you worse than the sexual trinity Karl Rove administered to BC Law alum John Kerry in 2004.

Last week, we made a promise and came through. This week we are proud to make another such guarantee.

Get Fucked BC.
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*My second dick slapping joke in as many weeks. I’m gunning for the record set by Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf in the infamous summer of ’06.
**Seriously, are you guys good at doing anything else besides playing quarterback or serving in Congress?

To stay updated on this weekend’s #GetFuckedBC campaign, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook and look for the intoxicated heinouses shouting ‘Get Fucked BC’ Saturday afternoon at Ryan Field.

Why Markwell is a Man of Jellyfish

Hopefully you didn't confuse this with the ads for free lube during Sex Week.

April 18th is the day when everyone at NU realized that Markwell wasn’t some lame write-in for ASG AVP or another bizarre position that pretends to campaign but hardly matters because we only really care about the Prez. So what was this Markwell stuff? Why are people who look like the God Squad wearing shirts that make me think of the UF Gators or prisoners on highway detail?

Because apparently everyone is born a fuck up. I’m not even joking. That is (paraphrasing, but not straying at all from) what Markwell put on the site. Now I may not be religious like Chet Haze, and I can tell you that I consider myself at least a slightly religious person, but the idea of religion is like a Jellyfish. It’s nice to look at, nice to talk about even, but let that shit get close to you and you’ll get stung. Now don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of religious people. My own mother has a Master’s degree in Pastoral Ministries and I am personal friends with (COUNT ‘EM) 3 Bishops. So please, I’ve been pretty up close and personal with some Jellyfish.

My entire issue with Markwell isn’t the fact that he’s evangelizing. Seriously, go ahead if you feel like that’s your jive, but if Cru’s going to brand itself like this, they’re just going to get backlash like what they’ve experienced for the past day and a half. Honestly, Cru has been known to be excessively invasive, bordering at times on incredibly rude. I’d LOVE to see them order something at Burger King. I mean, please, couldn’t you find a better way of describing all of your friends and peers and professors than as jacked-up souls “intentionally rebel[ling] against God”? It’s just too much for me. We need some memes up in this shit for real, yo.

If you bring religion up at Northwestern like Cru did with the Markwell campaign, then prepare to get stung.

Instead of going on to refute Markwell any more than I already have — because others are doing a fine-ass job — I offer a few things we could do better than spend time worrying about this Markwell crap:

1. Vote for Dillo Day T-Shirts!
What other way can you better enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you’re going to get more heinous at Mayfest than the Markwell and Kony2012 campaigns put together?! There’s plenty of really good designs, from the nerdy Dillo Venn diagram design to a Tank with a mustachioed Dillo. Do people still write “mustachioed?” It’s a word. I swear.

2. Stalk Project Cookie!
Almost as heinous as the above, but a different flavor. You can stalk down that Cookie Monster-garbed student and snag plenty of delicious cookies to feed your emotional-eating problem. This Markwell stuff is so sad, I may buy them out! Come to my dorm you fools!!!!

3. Entertain a Prospie!
Have a wee little High School Senior come on over to your dorm and unleash the fury of a thousand NU sailing team members. I’ve been to La Casa. Shit is cray, guys. I almost had to drink the beer off the floor when I spilled it. Why not share that experience with a prospie that will either be horrified (the weak ones) or push you down to the dirty concrete themselves as they shotgun a PBR (the mighty, heinous ones).

God said to Abraham, "Go kill me a son. With automatic weaponry."

4. Desperately try to look up Pippa Middleton in her controversial outfit!
Nevermind, Sir T-Worth and the Packhammer are all over that, and judging by the glint in their eyes, I wouldn’t trust your chances of getting near that even if you survived the Hunger Games.

5. Join Pottermore!
Because why the fuck not? It’s worth it for McGonagall’s story and Markwell will probably call you a satanic Wiccan, which will be funny. Funny mostly because who says “Wiccan” anymore?

6. Read a Bible!
Look up all the parts in the King James Version that detail the best ways to pester passerby’s on street corners.