The 5 Least Smangable First Ladies in American History

With no official duties, salary, or elected position, the First Lady of the United States is first and foremost the hostess, or ho-stess, of the White House. Nevertheless, the First Lady of the United States plays an important role in the Executive Branch, handling everything from official ceremonies of state to the Senate Majority Whip, if you know what I mean (looking at you, Lady Bird Johnson). Sometimes, Presidents’ wives will even be entrusted to handle such politically divisive issues as child obesity and literacy, at least when the Vice President is too busy.

Yet for all of America’s Mrs. Presidentress’ accomplishments as powerful women, celebrities, activists, and interlopers, some of the First Ladies in the annals of history were just downright dogs. What follows is the list of the top five First Ladies that not even JFK would bang.*

Florence “The Machine” Harding

5. Florence Harding
Popularly referred to as The Duchess, Florence “Flo Rida” Harding was quoted as saying, “I know what’s best for the President. I put him in the White house. He does well when he listens to me and poorly when he does not.” Although the circumstances of President Harding’s sudden and untimely 1923 death remain unclear, rumor has it that Warren’s balls had been irreparably busted by his wife. That’s what you get, after all, when you ask your wife for some Teapot Dome after a long day of corruption work in the Oval Office.

4. Ida McKinley
What else can you expect from a woman who’s main devotion in life was crocheting slippers? After losing two daughters in childbirth and a devoted husband to an assassination, Ida most certainly was not DTF. The epilepsy didn’t help either.

Not terribly interested in her husband’s “Old Rough and Ready”

3. Margaret Taylor
Described by others as “a fat, motherly looking woman,” Margaret Taylor’s physical appearance wasn’t nearly as bad as her demeanor. After praying for her husband Zachary to lose the Presidential election of 1848, and still smarting from Free Soil candidate Martin Van Buren’s political smear campaign that Zachary Taylor’s wife “Haveth a Total Butterface,” the First Lady spent much of her time cloistered in the second floor of the Presidential mansion, composing erotic fan fiction about the exploits of Whig Senator Daniel Webster. She did, however, once accidentally walk in on Millard Fillmore’s “personal time” in the mural room, an event that subsequently ruined all men for the First Lady.

2. Pat Nixon
Surprisingly, Pat Nixon never really caught on to the whole “deepthroat” thing.

Surprisingly, “Mary Todd Lincoln” is only the third least appropriate name of a First Lady to shout out during coitus.

1. Mary Todd Lincoln
Mary Todd was crazy. Not the good kind of crazy — the kind of crazy that results in Abe trying to explain away how he was found blindfolded and handcuffed to William Seward in the base of the Washington Monument — but rather the “I had to endure a marriage through the most stressful period in American history and witness my husband’s assassination and I buried my son Tad and I’m addicted to chloral hydrate and I think there’s a wandering Jew trying to steal my purse and now I’m pretty sure my son Robert is trying to kill me” kind of crazy. Abe Lincoln may have been the Rail Splitter, but he certainly wasn’t going to tap that any more than necessary.

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*LOL JFK

9 Historically-Inspired Pornos That Never Made It

The document is also famous for requiring King John to adhere to a predetermined safe word

9. Magnum Carta
In a shocking display of civic and sexual liberty, a group of well-endowed barons fight against the tyranny of King John “Softsword” of England by proclaiming their freedom from arbitrary sexual mores. A merry jaunt throughout the English countryside ensues, including a “jousting” match with King Arthur over Guinevere, an ill-fated run in with the Duke of Cunterbury, and an intense search for the Holy Grail of Virility in a nunnery. This historical work is sure to probe the annals of history with by transporting the audience back to the days before body-shaving became an accepted social practice.

8. Battle of Assterlitz
In this no-holes barred epic sparring match between three emperors, Napoleon proves that it’s not size that matters, but how you use it. Making up for his diminutive height with excessive girth, Napoleon (a.k.a. “The Dicka from Corsica”) dominates Alexander I before introducing the liberal French concept of mutual oral sex to Central Europe and instituting the Napoleonic Bro-Code over all his subjects. Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy would later chronicle the event in his famed 1400-page historical novel War and Peace and Splooge

Armstrong sexiling Aldrin from the lunar module

7. Full Moon Landing
The year 1969 just got even better. Famed astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin decide to take their American thrusters up to the moon to try and go where no man has ever gone before. After “planting their flag” in extra-terrestrial terrain, the two men then troll for martian babes in their lunar rover, eventually finding three sisters named the Sirens of Titan to engage in some of the most captivating zero-gravity zallywhacking caught on tape. Conspiracy theorists still claim that Armstrong’s landing was faked, but Full Moon Landing‘s point-of-view evidence is hard to ignore.

6. Pythagoras and the Love Triangle
Two Athenian women. One Greek philosopher. Triangles have never been so scintillating and geometry has never been cooler, as Pythagoras learns how to solve one of the most complex dilemmas of all time with just a simple right angle.

And you thought that today's porn stars had weird facial hair

5. Pickett’s Large!
July 3, 1863 was a day that shook America, as thousands of sexually frustrated women from both sides of the Mason-Dixon line marched uphill across a mile-long plain in pursuit of charming, pretty-boy Confederate general George Pickett’s notoriously gargantuan package. A ferocious battle ensued, as the hungry hordes fought amongst themselves viciously for the commander’s famed freakstick. After a sweltering afternoon full of girl-on-girl action, the victor of the bi-curious competition would ruefully be Mary Todd Lincoln, renowned leg-spreader. Years later, her only reflections on the experience would be: “Well, he certainly wasn’t a Little Round Top!”

4. Gang of Six
Balancing the budget has never been sexier as these six senators are forced to put aside their partisan differences in order to raise the roof (and the debt ceiling) with their clout. In the craziest sex act Congress has witnessed since Speaker of the House Boehner fellated every member of the Tea Party in 2010, Sen. Sexby Chambliss (R, GA) and Sen. Tricky-Dick Durbin (D, IL) spearhead a mind-boggling orgy of budget cuts and tax-raising that leaves Sen. Kent Cumrad (D, ND) shrieking in ecstasy and Sen. Tom Cobourn (R, OK) laying in the corner covered in body fluid and defaulted U.S. government bonds. Directed by Harry Reid and produced by President Obama, this masterpiece has received rave reviews that suggest it might be the best American political porno since Ronald Rumpleforeskin Invades Grenada: Operation Urgent Fury.

She was also in flagrant violation of Charles VII's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy

3. Joan of Arc: The Maid of Orlèans
Claiming divine guidance, Joan attempts to throw off the shackles of English rule by sleeping with as many English soldiers as possible to convince them of France’s sexual superiority. Originally force to disguise herself as a man, a task she excels at, Joan miraculously lifts the siege of Orlèans with a simple lift of her skirt. After a role-play incident involving a witch’s costume goes terribly awry, however, she is burned at the stake for heresy. She was later exonerated, and named the patron saint of the French and trannies everywhere.

2. The Boobonic Plague
14th Century Europe gets rocked by the greatest disease ever witnessed. When Europe’s female population is exposed to this infection, they experience surprisingly large growth in the chest area and ravenous sexual desire, nearly overwhelming the male population and spreading the disease like wildfire. Bawdier than one of Chaucer’s wet dreams and starring Brooklyn Decker and Pamela Anderson as two serfs desperately searching for a cure before their backs break, this film tells the tale of how one epidemic forever changed the face, and breasts, of Europe.

Bet 7th Grade Social Studies never taught you about Revere's whip fetish

1. One If By Rear, Two If By Mouth
The British are cumming! Since a young age, we’ve been told all about Paul Revere’s heroic journey through the American colonies to warn his fellow countrymen of the approaching British, but we’ve never had as much exposure to the other aspect of his legend – his insatiable sexual appetite. In this classic, Revere tours the Original 13, regaling his female compatriots with his glorious meat-staff and giving a whole new meaning to “Paul Revere’s ride.” Don’t miss the plot twist at the end of the story, as Revere joins forces with his old wingman William Dawes to double the level of pre-revolutionary plowing.

–Evander Jones and Ross Packingham